[therunner]

To Whom it May Concern,

I would like to take this opportunity to apply for a Crossing Guard position with the City of San Ramon Public Schools.

I like Crossing Guards and want to become one. I have crossed the street thousands of times, and have never once been struck by a car. In fact, no one who has ever crossed the street with me has been seriously injured. Wait a second, check that. My aunt fell off the curb one time when we were crossing the street and turned her ankle pretty badly. She got really pissed but it wasn't my fault at all. She kept saying, "Why didn't you tell me that the curb was so big." And I was like, "Hey, sorry, Aunt Frieda, but I was under the assumption that someone of your advanced age might look at the curb before they cross the frigging street." Since the chances of having any elderly women in elementary school is very small, I don't believe that this unfortunate incident should be entered into my official application as Crossing Guard.

I was always pretty pissed that I wasn't chosen for the safety patrol in school. I always looked both ways when I crossed the street, and I would never run in front of moving vehicles, especially with scissors. But they picked frigging Teresa McKinney instead and then I had to listen to her order me around all year. But I'd like to put all that behind me, as long as Teresa McKinney doesn't come to my corner when I'm crossing children across the street because I might call her a mother fucker if I see her.

I have never been ordered by a judge to stay away from children and I love wearing fluorescent orange sashes. If I were a Crossing Guard, I would pretend that I was Mayor McCheese from McDonald's and then everyone would love me and want to be my friend. I could pretend that the Hamburglar was running across the street with a sack full of delicious Fish Filets and the only way he could get away would be if I was unable to direct a large group of school age children across the street in an orderly and timely fashion. I would make everyone get in line and sing "Bingo Was His Namo" before I would let them cross the street. I would make them call me "Mayor McCheese" too, and I would chase them all over the place if they wouldn't listen. After they all got in line, we would march across the street like Russian soldiers and no cars could drive on the street until I was done because I would have big sign that said "STOP". I would be like, "Excuse me, Mr. Man, but don't you see my sign" when people started honking at me if our songs and marches across the street took too long.

The story of Mayor McCheese the Crossing Guard would spread throughout the land. Children of all ages would know my name and travel from miles around to see me sing happy songs and trot around in my sash. They would fear me too, because I will reign down with great vengeance upon my enemies, spreading pestilence and plagues. I will shoot fireballs from my eyes and scorch the earth they walk on, all in the name of pedestrian safety.

Do I sound like the type of person you would like directing groups of children across dangerous intersections near your school? I hope so. Please feel free to contact me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Your Future Crossing Guard
"Therunner"