Some DJ Humor

[kenl]

>DJs ARE EXPERT MIND READERS
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>When requesting a song from the DJ, just say "play my song", or "it goes
>something like this" then hum a few bars! We have a chip implanted in our
>heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron
>who
>ever walked into a bar & all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be
>vague,
>we love the challenge.
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>If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.
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>DJs know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be
>... it helps jog the memory.
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>If a DJ tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either
>forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try
>singing
>a few words for the DJ. Any words.
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>It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per
>set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated
>hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as
>well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best
>way to jog a DJ's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of
>"Personal Friend Of The DJ."
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>DJs are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really prepare for their
>shows.They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do
>once they arrive. A DJ's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so
>don't let them off the hook easily.Your request is all that matters.
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>If a trance DJ had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next DJ that
>follows will automatically know every trance tune the previous DJ ever
>played, even if the current DJ is a house or jungle DJ. It's the law.
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>Feel free to yell Tupac or Biggie!! to a DJ that plays strictly house for
>example.
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>IMPORTANT
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>When an DJ leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in
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>both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head
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>securely so they cannot pull away.This will be taken as an invitation to a
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>friendly & playful game of tug of
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>war between their head and your hands.
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>Don't give up! Hang on until the DJ submits.
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>DJs are protected by their equipment, & only play the game
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>when tricked into coming out from behind their turntables. Though difficult
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>to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're
>especially
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>vulnerable during mixing songs.
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>TALKING WITH THE DJ
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>The best time to discuss anything with the DJ in any meaningful way is when
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>he is in the mix. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny
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>voice from the
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>megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. DJs are expert lip
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>readers too. If a DJ does not reply to your question or comment
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>during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in
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>order to read your lips.
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>Simply continue to scream your request & be sure to over emphasize the
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>words with your lips. This helps immensely.Don't be fooled.
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>DJs have the innate ability to answer questions & mix at the same
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>time. If the DJ doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless
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>of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely
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>ignoring you.
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>If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
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>HELPING THE DJ
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>If you inform the DJ that you are a DJ, the DJ will appreciate your
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>help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on
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>stage. Simply feel free to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the
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>drunker you are, the better you sound.
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>Keep in mind that nothing assists the DJ more than
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>outrageous dancing, or a tambourine played out of tempo.
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>Try the congas, they love the challenge. The DJ always needs the help &
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>will take this as a compliment.
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>BONUS TIP
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>As a last resort, wait until the DJ takes a break and then get on stage
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>and start playing their records. They love this. Even if you are
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>ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have
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>successfully completed your audition. The club owner will call you
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>immediately
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>the following day to offer you a position.
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>See you at the next gig ...