young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both." Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo. Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test? A: Saliva. Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept. Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players? A: It saves time in the long run. Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four. Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? A: About three decibels. Q: What is another term for trombone? A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator. Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A: A bad oboist can kill you. Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? A: So they can park in the handicapped zones when they forget their Special tags. Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q: Why do people play trombone? A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. Q: How does a violist's brain cell die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? A: A music critic. Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen? A: Put it in a viola case. Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a Chainsaw? A: You can tune a Chainsaw. Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche." Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Q: Why are harps like elderly parents? A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway? A: Seven - if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly. Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon. Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike? A: Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out Of range. Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant? A: Eleven pounds. Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning? A: They rarely strike the same spot twice. Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can Do that!" Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so." Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek? A: Some conductors actually read Greek. Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend. Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom. Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting Orchestra Player to become a soloist. Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it Again. Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong Pitch. Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed? Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door? A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in. Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison? A: Hand them charts a half-step apart. Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead Trombonist in the road? A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A vocalist. Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer? A: Place a sheet of music in front of him. Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard? A: Stop laughing and shoot again. Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!! Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Not You, ME!! Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor? A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn. Q: What do all great conductors have in common? A: They're all dead. Q: What's the definition of optimism? A: A bass trombonist with a DOUBLE trigger attachment AND a beeper. Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player? A: Back up and make SURE. Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car? A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? A: Yell "don't do it!" and hurry to cut the rope. Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player? A: His amp. Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune? A: Shoot two of them. Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band? OR a conductor and an orchestra? A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb? A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and pretend the world revolves around them. Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb? A: None, they have machines for that now. Q: How can you tell if the stage is level? A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth. Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch? A: Pay him for the pizza. Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree? A: Night manager at McDonalds. Q: Why are violas larger than violins? A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller. Q: How are trumpet players like pirates? A: They both commit murder on the high Cs.