Sipping Vodka

[laurie619]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied,

"When I am worried about getting nervous on the

pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to hisoffice after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior

and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say

he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and

eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[drnkdiver]

A Cuban guy walks up to this hot girl at a bar and says " can I buy Jou a drink?" So the girl tells him "your waisting your time!" The man asks why and she says " becouse I'm a lesbian" The Cuban looks puzzled then asks "what's a lesbian?" the girl points to a beautiful woman at the and of the bar and says "you see that woman over there?" "jes" "well I want to pull up her skirt, pull down her panties and burry my face between her legs." At this the Cuban grins from ear to ear, pats on his chest and tells the girl "Son of a bitch I'm a lesbian too!":tongue: