Giving a girl her space (lend a smurf some advice)

[georgym]

Ok, here's the deal.

I've been with this girl , nik, on and off for 2 years now. She's not the most stable of people, and sometimes came out and told me she's not ready for a commitment.

But we keep coming back together, and mending things. She has told me how much she likes me, and we do get along great.

But just this past weekend, she acted like a Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde. She invited me over to take me out for dinner for my birthday. So Great!

We decided to kill some time at a park beforehand. When we got there, we noticed park rangers at the entrance. Not knowing how to respond, i told them i lived in Mamaroneck, the next town over. She showed them her id, and they let us through.

But as soon as we pulled away, she get so upset with me that i told that little lie to the park ranger. She said "i don't want to be here right now, let's just go to dinner"

Then, 3 seconds later, she said, "No, just take me home!'' After I drove all the way from long island up to Westchester.

I was speechless. Just for this little white lie, she got so upset.

So then, when i took her home, i said i wanted to talk, but she didn't want to, and threatened to call the police on me!

I am still in a state of shock. That very day we spoke for 2 hours on the phone and she said things seemed good btw. us.

But now, i am just so upset

Any explanation would help here.

[somebitch]

damn, i didnt know you live in westchester... why havent we met??

[georgym]

Originally posted by somebitch

damn, i didnt know you live in westchester... why havent we met??

heheh, naww, im a long island boy. But i really like it up there, maybe i'll make the smart decision and skip New Rochelle next time

[georgym]

Oh, and by the way, feel free to tell me that it's not me that's wrong here, but her

I know i didn't do anything to deserve this. I guess she was just a bad catch. Funny cause i didn't know at first, but it seems her true colors came out

[nSyNcBaBy]

wow.... ummm seems like shes got some issues? regardless of whether she was actually pissed aboutt he lil white lie.. or if she was just using that as an excuse to be mad.... the way she handled things was kinda fucked up IMO... i mean.... she could be a good girl... u know? but to be with someone for 2 years or however long it was... and then to react the way she did and not even wanna speak to u? seems like theres more to it than what shes telling u. or showing u or whatever....

my advice: if shes been cool for the past couple years uve been togehter, then maybe itll be worth it to u to figure out whats wrong and try to fix it... but it could also be that the girl has issues... and may not be worth ur time tryin to figure out if this is how shes gonna react on u... so before u get even deeper into things with her, reevaluate ur relationship and do some soulsearching here.... if u think these r her tru colors, then they will probably never go away. u cant change people. good luck.

[hoke]

Originally posted by gmccookny

Oh, and by the way, feel free to tell me that it's not me that's wrong here, but her

I know i didn't do anything to deserve this. I guess she was just a bad catch. Funny cause i didn't know at first, but it seems her true colors came out

That really sucks... this situation is all too familiar to me.

It's not you.

It's her.

In my situation, it was the first girl I'd ever slept with. I ended up emotionally abused, cheated on, lost really good friends because I got caught up in her drama... you name it. Took me a while to rebuild the feelings of self-confidence and independence that she'd gradually chipped away from me. It's not worth it. Ditch her cold turkey... don't even try to be friends with her for a while, if you can. The next girl will treat you much better.

[tastyt]

Wow... that's really fucked up. And for your birthday too? I agree w/LinaBina, there's definitely something on her mind that she's not sharing with you. It might be related to you, maybe not, maybe she's stressed about something else and using you as an easy target. Regardless, there's no excuse for her flipping like that.

IDK, it sounds like she has some personal issues to deal with before she can truly devote herself to a relationship. You're going to have to decide whether or not it's worth it for you to stick around while she works through them (if she does)... you can only help someone so much before they start to drain the life out of you. Good luck sweetie.

[georgym]

I really appreciate the therapaeutic aspects of clubplanet, i feel a bit better already

Im just realizing,. after what you have all said, that there is something she's not telling me, and she really seems not ready for a relationship.

I have done so much for her. Been there when she needed me, wrote her poems, songs, etc. But there is a nagging little pit inside her that seems to pop up every now and then. And i don't think i can take it.

Im going to let her be. She is so ready for me to call her all the time, but i bet if i don't do that, she will be surprised.

And if it was for real, she wouldn't act this way with me. Even though it's gonna be hard to do this, i have to think about myself and my own well being.

Now to put this into action ... that's the tricky part

[tastey]

Originally posted by gmccookny

We decided to kill some time at a park beforehand. When we got there, we noticed park rangers at the entrance. Not knowing how to respond, i told them i lived in Mamaroneck, the next town over. She showed them her id, and they let us through.

But as soon as we pulled away, she get so upset with me that i told that little lie to the park ranger. She said "i don't want to be here right now, let's just go to dinner"

Then, 3 seconds later, she said, "No, just take me home!'' After I drove all the way from long island up to Westchester.

I was speechless. Just for this little white lie, she got so upset.

do you remember the exact wording? what you said and what she said?

cause that may be important to know

few things that *could* be:

-maybe she links very bad things with "Mamaroneck", for example death of a friend/relative. i had this one time, i chatted up a girl at a club and told her about a town in italy i went to 2 weeks ago. then she told me her father died in this town in a car crash 6 months ago. i do not have to mention that that made a BRUTAL state change in her that i was not able to fix. she was totally down in matter of seconds after i mentioned the town and was unable to get her out of the bad state. well, on to the next one

-maybe her ASD (anti-slut-defense) kicked in. meaning she put more meaning into this trip to the park that you did and bailed the last second

-maybe she knew the officier, is she still single? could he perhaps be a friend/relative of the boyfriend

-maybe you got her so ready that she was scared she´d rape you in the park or when you two would be alone

-also, maybe YOU gave her the impression that there was more to the meeting than it actually was and she was scared you´d get too attached.

i could go on and on with this, if you could give the exact wording as good as you remember it would be much clearer, like

me: i´m from blah

officer: oh really blah

her: *hands id* blah blah

[georgym]

It was pretty plain and simple, T.

Cop: where do you live

Me: I Just moved to Mamaroneck

Cop: show me your id

then he asks for her id, and he waves us through

then her: I can't believe you said that. I don't want to go to the park now. Just drive me home.

me:

I don't think there was any hidden agenda here, which makes it all the more strange. I didn't say anything inappropriate, xcept for that little white lie.

[hoke]

This isn't really just about that one incident, is it? I got the impression from your posts that this is more like a specific example to illustrate a pattern of behavior... which I (and I think others as well) were responding to...

[georgym]

Originally posted by hoke

This isn't really just about that one incident, is it? I got the impression from your posts that this is more like a specific example to illustrate a pattern of behavior... which I (and I think others as well) were responding to...

Yes, it's been happening, but we keep getting back together. (even after we dated other people for 6 months)

I think the only thing that will change now is me not pursuing her anymore, letting her go, because after what she did on saturday, threatening me w/ cops n all, i want nothing to do with her.

[bustaknut2001]

You seem like a nice sensitive guy who enjoys being in a relationship. I think you're better off finding a girl who will acknowledge that and treat you with respect. There are a lot of loving girls out there who don't come attached with all those problems. It's definitely not you.

How old is she?

[georgym]

She's only 21, and im sure that's a factor (im 23)

The more and more i look at it, it seems that she's just not ready for a relationship. We got along great. There was that immediate bond btween us. But for her, everything is an uphill climb, and i don't think she could handle a relationship and school at once.

She wouldn't call me so often

She'd forget little things i did for her

She'd get very jealous if i saw or hugged another girl

There were just these signs that i guess i should have picked up on, but was too stubborn or ignorant to realize.

It really hurts, but if she's not there for me, why should i be for her?

[wideskies]

a lover is supposed to be a friend, and if any of MY friends ever acted as inconsiderately as your on/off gf did, i would tell them to fuck off until they decided to come back and apologize.

[flying_high]

Hey pappa smurf...I'm not sure I can offer any advise as I'm rather in a state of confusion over your situation.

Don't understand it at all...the only logical explanation I can find for her behavior... the ease of your lie made her think that you do so all the time.

Sometimes people get really disappointed in another person when they realize how easy a lie can come over their lips...and maybe that's what just happened. It might made her feel really uncomfortable and then all the other times you two were together slipped into her mind and she questioned everything that you ever said to her.

sorry only my two cents....

...otherwise, I would go with the rest of cp here....the girl seems to have issues that go far deeper than you think

[hoke]

Parting thoughts:

"Never trust a woman under the age of 26."

- my dad, to me, growing up.

"If a guy ever gives you shit, kick him in the balls."

- my dad, to my sister, growing up.

Try to reconcile those two, and you'll have no problems in life.

[georgym]

Originally posted by wideskies

a lover is supposed to be a friend, and if any of MY friends ever acted as inconsiderately as your on/off gf did, i would tell them to fuck off until they decided to come back and apologize.

heehe, i was waiting for you to reply

You're absolutely right. As i told hoke, she's done this one too many times, and enough is enough!

She will be so surprised to hear nothing from my end, no calls, no letters, just this look:

[georgym]

Originally posted by flying_high

Hey pappa smurf...I'm not sure I can offer any advise as I'm rather in a state of confusion over your situation.

Don't understand it at all...the only logical explanation I can find for her behavior... the ease of your lie made her think that you do so all the time.

Sometimes people get really disappointed in another person when they realize how easy a lie can come over their lips...and maybe that's what just happened. It might made her feel really uncomfortable and then all the other times you two were together slipped into her mind and she questioned everything that you ever said to her.

sorry only my two cents....

...otherwise, I would go with the rest of cp here....the girl seems to have issues that go far deeper than you think

See, that's what scares me. That she would think that of me, which is absolute nonsense.

She really shouldn't think that, b/c it wasn't a big lie. You know what i mean>?

If i lied about something more serious, THEN she should be upset. But not over this

[hoke]

Originally posted by gmccookny

See, that's what scares me. That she would think that of me, which is absolute nonsense.

Could it be? and how do i disprove that thinking in her?

Stop that. Now.

Repeat after me:

IT. IS. NOT. ME.

SHE. IS. EMOTIONALLY. IMMATURE.

I. NEED. TIME. TO. MYSELF.

Maybe she read too much into your little lie. But seriously, dude: THINGS THAT SMALL SHOULD NOT HAVE SUCH A BIG IMPACT. It's not healthy. Imagine what will happen when something *truly* important happens!!! <-- really *really* REALLY bad memories!!!

EDIT: I see you changed your post. Good. There should be no talk of "proving yourself" to this girl, okay?

[wideskies]

Originally posted by gmccookny

heehe, i was waiting for you to reply

You're absolutely right. As i told hoke, she's done this one too many times, and enough is enough!

She will be so surprised to hear nothing from my end, no calls, no letters, just this look:

i know this sounds horrible, but if you're feeling down about it all, focus on the anger rather than the sadness or hurt. it will be a more constructive emotion in this case. she needs to learn that she can't get away with throwing tantrums.

btw, i've half-met/seen you and you seem friendly and appealing. remember that there are so many other 'potentials' out there who will act their age and be a good friend/lover to ya. :>

[georgym]

Originally posted by hoke

Stop that. Now.

Repeat after me:

IT. IS. NOT. ME.

SHE. IS. EMOTIONALLY. IMMATURE.

I. NEED. TIME. TO. MYSELF.

Maybe she read too much into your little lie. But seriously, dude: THINGS THAT SMALL SHOULD NOT HAVE SUCH A BIG IMPACT. It's not healthy. Imagine what will happen when something *truly* important happens!!!

Thank you

I really need to dig this into my brain. I have a problem thinking it was me, but seriously, such a little thing should not escalate to the drama she made it

[hoke]

Originally posted by wideskies

focus on the anger rather than the sadness or hurt. it will be a more constructive emotion in this case.

God, that's so wise it's not even funny... wideskies =

[georgym]

Originally posted by hoke

God, that's so wise it's not even funny... wideskies =

YEah, she's kool like dat

There are many situations i can recall, like when she insisted to not hold my hand at various points, to not wanting to talk every day, to asking for a break at least 4X since we've been together.

I CAN"T BELIEVE I STOOD FOR THAT ALL

[wideskies]

well, it's okay to realize you've been a doofus as long as it .. um... helps you learn how not to be a doofus in the future.

(see other thread).

it takes a long painful time to learn not to be a doofus, because there are so many ways of being one!

i am definitely still a bigtime doofus.