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weyes

how was he so clueless?

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it's been a while since we broke up, but i think about it all too often, and i want some perspective on this, 'cause i still can't make sense of it.

in my last relationship, the only one i really consider "real", i guess, we had had sex once way too early in the relationship; i told him it was too early and that i'd have to wait on that because it had been really wrong for me. he said he understood and that that was fine.

so, after a little while, it was the first time that i was starting to feel ok about being with someone else, sexually. i was also actually starting to enjoy doing sexual things with another person, in general, which was huge. so i explained to him that, a few years ago, the only other person i had sex with had me for six hours and i couldn't move. i don't know exactly what i said, because i don't use the word, and i didn't go into graphic details, but i think i did talk about being so drugged that i was limp. the night i was explaining, he sort of cut me off because he saw that i was getting upset. and i was so happy to finally be able to tell someone, to have it be someone i cared about, and to have it be someone with whom i was going to be intimate. i felt like i was finally free of it; a guy in my life understood, cared, and would still be with me.

then, when i broke up with him because all he wanted out of the relationship was sex, we had a really long breakup talk where he put up a fight about me dumping him. (mind you, this is because he wanted to keep having sex with me, not because he wanted to keep me.) and in the talk, it was made clear that he hadn't understood what i was talking about, even though i had referred to it more than once while we were together. i didn't then make it clear, 'cause there was no point. but all of the recovery i had felt stemmed from a place that i suddenly knew to never have existed; there never was an understanding, so i just shot straight down to that horrible place, that other guy still having that power over me. and i think about it almost every day.

but what i don't understand is how my boyfriend could not have understood what i was talking about - how i was crying in bed, and he responded, "it's ok, you're with me, now," without knowing what i was talking about. what kind of a person would say that, not wanting to know what the problem was, just so that he could still have sex with me?

or do guys just not think that that really happens, or do they not understand how much of an impact it has?

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Originally posted by weyes

but what i don't understand is how my boyfriend could not have understood what i was talking about - how i was crying in bed, and he responded, "it's ok, you're with me, now," without knowing what i was talking about. what kind of a person would say that, not wanting to know what the problem was, just so that he could still have sex with me?

or do guys just not think that that really happens, or do they not understand how much of an impact it has?

first off, it´s not *guys*, it´s *some guys*. i mean i´m rather one of the guys you describe too but there are at least *some* nice guys, somewhere out there. they don´t get laid much but they are out there ;)! j/k guys

to your question, there is a line from a song that explains the situation exactly and is actually a general rule of interaction of mine: "just because i understand doesn´t mean i care"

you see, the way i see it (according to your description), he tried to push you to put out, which you did once but then you refused to have any more sex.

so what does he do? he adapts his strategy, suddenly he´s the caring understanding friend that you find sexually attractive. see, he worked you out and knew how to work you in order to get more sex out of you.

the guy *you* wanted had to be understanding and caring, you would have to be able to tell him everything and he had to always understand you. he *became* that guy, he SOLD you a FANTASY, an ILLUSION that you needed in order to FUCK. that´s it, nothing more to it than that.

the better you get at selling fantasies to girls the more successful with them are you gonna be, period.

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Originally posted by tastey

the better you get at selling fantasies to girls the more successful with them are you gonna be, period.

. . . You are truly a representative of all that is wrong with love and sex today . . . . Correct in calling the situation, but so very wrong in doing so . . . .

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us boys are totally clueless ----- 99% you'd have to drop an anvil on my face to get me to the see the reality of the situtaion. Girls get into our systems, and we get stupid. Can't explain it.

*Sorry to hear about your situation. :(

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Originally posted by phuturephunk

. . . You are truly a representative of all that is wrong with love and sex today . . . . Correct in calling the situation, but so very wrong in doing so . . . .

but i find he is also a representative for alot of what IS........i mean......yea .....it's 'wrong'.....but that's the way shit goes...i would rather him be completely honest ...offering what i feel is a lot of insight......then pretend to be some sweet...caring...blah blah.......honesty is always the best policy..........

tastey~~~;):heart:

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Originally posted by weyes

then, when i broke up with him because all he wanted out of the relationship was sex,

That's the problem right there. Sex is a strong way to bond 2 people together, and he might have thought that by the 2 of you having sex, all problems and worries would go... Not so ...

I think u did the right thing by dropping him. It seems like he had an ulterior motive, and didn't quite care to understand how your past affects your present and future.

I was actually involved with a girl that has been through the same sexual issues as u have. I would suggest to do what she has chosen (although, it's of course up to you :)......is to hold off full-on sex until you are FOR CERTAIN you are with someone who is there for you firstly emotionally, secondly physically.

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Originally posted by misk

but i find he is also a representative for alot of what IS........i mean......yea .....it's 'wrong'.....but that's the way shit goes...i would rather him be completely honest ...offering what i feel is a lot of insight......then pretend to be some sweet...caring...blah blah.......honesty is always the best policy..........

tastey~~~;):heart:

thx hun :half:

and i guess, though i´m not sure as i´m my point of view may be affected, that somewhere within there lies the way to get the "player".

see there are 2 kinds of women for me concerning that topic.

those who i PLAY the game with and those with which i can DISCUSS it. i don´t remember one single girl i´ve PLAYED the game with whom i develloped even only a little crush later on.

however the girls i DISCUSSED (or talked about) the game with, the girls that had at least some understanding of the game or that play the game themself, that are the ones i keep longer, and that are the ones that are more interesting to me, that are the ones i even think about connecting deeper with.

seriously, any chick that i PLAY the game with is in my mind ABSOLUTELY inferior to me. they have not more value than any exchangable, given toy i can play with at any given time.

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