Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

[nycmuzik]

I believe in making the world safe

for our children,

but not for our children's children,

because I don't think children

should be having sex.

[nycmuzik]

One thing kids like is to be tricked.

For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland,

but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.

"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down,

he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,

but it was getting pretty late.

[nycmuzik]

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone,

I do a little trick to calm myself down.

I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.

When the person comes to the door, I'm gone,

but you know what I've left on the porch?

A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side

of its head with a note that says "You."

After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

[nycmuzik]

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble

of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks,

then the guy at Marineland says,

"You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."

Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them!

Man, wise up.

[nycmuzik]

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail

on the sidewalk in front of our house.

And I thought, I too am like that snail.

I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will.

But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance.

Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.

[nycmuzik]

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.

After school we'd all go play in his cave,

and every once in a while he would eat one of us.

It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

[nycmuzik]

Anytime I see something screech across a room

and latch onto someone's neck,

and the guy screams and tries to get it off,

I have to laugh,

because what is that thing?

[nycmuzik]

Sometimes I think the world

has gone completely mad.

And then I think, "Aw, who cares?"

And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

[nycmuzik]

I bet for an Indian,

shooting an old fat

pioneer woman with an arrow,

and she fires her shotgun

into the ground as she falls over,

is like the top thing you can do.

[nycmuzik]

Children need encouragement.

If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.

That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

[dgmodel]

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner,

but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead,

put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball.

Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,

let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground.

Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

[dgmodel]

If God dwells inside us, like some people say,

I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

[dgmodel]

I wish scientists would come up with a way

to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head.

That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs,

but they wouldn't eat so much.

[dgmodel]

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle,

because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home

his face might burn up.

[dgmodel]

When the age of the Viking's came to a close,

they must have sensed it.

Probably, they gathered together one evening,

slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

[dgmodel]

I wish a robot would get elected president.

That way, when he came to town,

we could all take a shot at him

and not feel too bad.

[dgmodel]

As I bit into the nectarine,

it had a crisp juiciness about it

that was very pleasurable -

until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all,

but A HUMAN HEAD!!

[dgmodel]

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower,

just go real limp, because maybe

you'll look like a dummy and people

will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

[dgmodel]

I'd like to see a nude opera,

because when they hit those high notes,

I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

[dgmodel]

To me, boxing is like a ballet,

except there's no music, no choreography

and the dancers hit each other.

[dgmodel]

You know what would make a good story?

Something about a clown who makes people happy,

but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

[dgmodel]

I wouldn't be surprised if someday

some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open,

and there inside was a whole person.

Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark.

And in the baby shark there isn't a person,

because it would be too small.

But there's a little doll or something,

like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.

[dgmodel]

Whenever I see an old lady slip

and fall on a wet sidewalk,

my first instinct is to laugh.

But then I think,

what if I was an ant,

and she fell on me.

Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

[dgmodel]

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date,

I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

[dgmodel]

It takes a big man to cry,

but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.