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Beer Scooters...

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How many times have you woken up in the morning after

a hard night drinking

and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as

you try, you cannot

piece together your return journey from the pub to

your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer

Scooter. The Beer Scooter

is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to

the drunk by Bacchus

the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since

the decrease in the

worship of the Roman Pantheon and has bought a large

batch of these magical


The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness

and the "slurring

gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one

of his many

sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down

a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them

in their bedroom via a

Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so

a large portion of

the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This answers the second question after a night out

'How did I spend so much

money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor

safety record and are

thought be responsible for over 90% of all UDI

(Unidentified Drinking


An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the

destruction of time

segments during the trip. The nature of

Trans-Dimensional Portals

dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted

for. This answers

a third question after a night out 'What the hell


With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT

(Removal of Embarrassing

Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes,

in descending order,

those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one

person's REMIT is not

necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost

time is regained in

discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles

often cause the

scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus

sending the passenger to the

wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With

recent models

including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a

scooter drive-thru chain

specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.

Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with

flowers picked from

other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent

Pending). These boots

are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly

you tip-toe up the

stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into

every wall in the

house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance

System) explains the

bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some

scooters is the TAS

(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one

person can apparently get

through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you

to comfortably get

home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing

just a T-shirt.

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