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"Yesterday Canada's Prime Minister said that as of now, Canada will not help the United States if we decide to launch a strike on Iraq. When asked why, Canada's Prime Ministers said, 'I'd like to help, but I'm pretty sure we don't have an army.'"

"It was reported that in Florida earlier today, Janet Reno was turned away from the voting booth at least once, before she was allowed to vote. Apparently that voting clerk finally recognized Reno when she picked up the voting booth and threw it through the window."

"It was reported today that Anna Kournikova is launching her own line of cosmetics, including a deodorant. Apparently the slogan is 'The deodorant for people who smell as bad as Anna Kournikova's tennis game."

"In a new interview, Sylvester Stallone said that he wants to star in one more 'Rambo' movie. The movie's going to be called,' Rambo 4: I Need the Money.'"

"It was reported today that 'American Idol' winner Kelly Clarkson is about to sign a movie deal. In a related story, runner up Justin Guarini has gotten a job at a movie theater."

"A man in Hawaii woke up this week after seven years in a coma. Reportedly the first thing the man said was, 'George W. Bush is what?'"

"Earlier this week, the very first Starbucks opened in Iowa. Not only that, yesterday, the millionth Starbucks opened in Iowa."

"This week in Florida's race for governor, Janet Reno, who had a 30-point lead in June, has lost the democratic primary. When asked about it Reno said, 'I feel like I've been kicked in the nuts.'"

"In Florida police closed a highway because of a suspected terrorist threat and blew up a suspicious package. Experts say that up until now the only suspicious package in Florida belonged to Janet Reno."

"Former Ohio Congressman James Traficant has announced he's running for re-election despite the fact that he is serving an eight year sentence in prison. Traficant says he's already lined up votes from all 7 of his new husbands."

"Alyssa Milano says she turned down a recent request to take part in a 'Who's the Boss reunion movie. When asked why Milano said, 'Because it's a 'Who's the Boss' reunion movie."

"It's been reported that Keanu Reeves will play Superman in a new movie. In the Keanu Reeves version, villains don't use Kryptonite to stop Superman they just use big words."

Tonight on 'American Idol' the two remaining contestants will perform for the final time. The good news is they will perform for the final time."

"A German man is being accused of stalking tennis star Serena Williams. Reportedly, Serena's father is furious about this and said, 'Following Serena around wherever she goes and harassing her is my job.'" "Liza Minelli and her husband have announced that they have decided to adopt a baby. Not surprisingly, the baby said, 'Thanks, but no thanks.'"

"The new 'Lord of the Rings' movie won't be in theaters for several months but copies of the movies are already being illegally downloaded on the Internet. Authorities say they're going to hunt each of the hackers down and tell them they're dorks."

"The Russian Space Program announced they have kicked out Lance Bass because of late payments. In a related story, Greyhound has announced that they have cancelled MC Hammer's trip to Cleveland."

"According to the trade papers, 'American Idol' judge Simon Cowell is about to sign up for a second season because the producers offered him $1 million. Not only that, judge Paula Abdul is about to sign up for a second season because producers said she could live in her dressing room."

"This week, the United States Congress is going to hold their first official session in New York City in over 200 years. When asked to comment, Senator Strom Thurmond said, 'I'm anxious to see how the city's changed.'"

"The Russian space program announced that they have kicked out Lance Bass because of late payments, and in his place the Russians are sending up a cargo container. Not only that, but N'Sync has also replaced Lance Bass with a cargo container."

"The other night at the Video Music Awards, Christina Aguilera and Eminem ended their feud, which began when Eminem falsely bragged that she had once given him oral sex. Apparently, Aguilera was so happy that the feud was over that she gave Eminem oral sex."

"Last night, the Fox Network aired the finale of 'American Idol.' In case you missed it, Kelly, a former waitress, defeated Justin, a future waiter."

"Earlier tonight, the NFL kicked off its season with a concert in Times Square featuring the cast of 'Rent.' 'Cause nothing says football like songs from a Broadway musical."

"Yesterday, the president of Afghanistan survived an assassination attempt when somebody fired a gun at him. Or as the president of Afghanistan called it, 'another quiet day in the office.'"

"According to a new study by a local mass transit group, over half of the signs in New York's subways are mislabeled. In fact, it turns out the only signs in the subway that are accurate are the ones that say, 'You're currently standing in Pee.'"

"Yesterday the NFL kicked off the football season by staging a big rock concert in Times Square. Unfortunately the concert woke up all the former XFL players sleeping in Times Square."

"The other day, Liza Minelli and her husband announced that they are adopting a baby girl. They also said she's as sweet and dainty as her new Dad."

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"According to a new poll, 89% of Americans are satisfied with their jobs. Not surprisingly, the other 11% work for the New York Mets."

"Guy Richie says he's cut most of Madonna's nude scenes out of his new movie, 'cause he doesn't want everyone to see his wife naked. Unfortunately for Richie he's about 15 years too late."

Quotables for the week of August 12 - 16, 2002

"The 'New York Times' reports that President Bush has called an economic forum in Texas to get advice on how to improve the economy. Apparently, several business leaders couldn't make it to Texas, because it would have violated their parole."

"Some CBS affiliates are talking about a dumping Martha Stewart's TV show and replacing it with a different show. However, Martha has been promised a regular guest spot on HBO's 'Oz.'"

"It was reported that Prince Charles of England is going to launch his own line of men's wear. Apparently Prince Charles' fashions will be advertised as 'work clothes for the man whose never had a job."

"Yesterday, scientists brought 5 California condors to Mexico to set them free in the wild. Then today, the 5 condors were caught trying to sneak across the border in the back of a pick-up truck."

"The other night in Las Vegas, Michael Jackson went to see Seigfried and Roy's show. Afterwards, Seigfried and Roy said, 'Wow, it's the first time we weren't the weirdest people in the room."

"The heat wave continues here in New York. In fact, the only people that aren't hot in New York these days are the Mets."

"A California man has been taken to court for stalking Ann Nicole Smith. The man has been charged with invasion of privacy, illegal trespassing and having really bad taste."

"Earlier today, President Bush made a speech about homeland security in front of Mount Rushmore. There was one awkward moment when Bush looked up at the monument and said, 'Which one is President Rushmore."

"According to a new study, 70% of Chinese teenagers get their information about sex from pornography. Which explains why all of the kids in China want to be pizza deliverymen."

"The other day a librarian in Australia was fired because they found out she had been using library books as toilet paper. Even worse, They were books on tape."

"Major League baseball players announced today that unless their labor dispute gets resolved they will stop playing on August 30th. Apparently, the Mets thought the date to stop playing was April 30th."

"Earlier today, Russian and American astronauts went outside the space station to construct a shield to protect the station form getting hit by cosmic debris. Next, they hope to build a shield to protect the station from a visit by Lance Bass."

"Fox News reports that Motley Crue lead singer Vince Neil got angry at an audience and called them a bunch of losers. Afterwards, the audience admitted, 'He may have a point since we did pay to see Vince Neil.'"

"A California man has been taken to court for stalking Anna Nicole Smith. Reportedly, Anna Nicole has asked that the man be kept away from her until he turns 90."

"Yesterday in Mississippi, a man was sentenced to 18 months in prison for having sex with a hose. Reportedly, the judge told the man that neigh mean neigh."

"This weekend, Ozzy Osbourne performed for Queen Elizabeth, in honor of her 50th anniversary on the throne. Apparently the queen said to Ozzy 'It's nice to meet someone whose family is more screwed up than mine.'"

"Last week, President Bush traveled to the Vatican and had a meeting with the Pope. There was one awkward moment when the President told the Pope, 'When I was in school my teachers used to make me wear a hat just like yours.'"

"Yesterday, While Winona Ryder was on her way into court for her shoplifting trial, somebody bumped into Ryder and broke her arm. When asked about it Ryder said, 'Actually I'm really lucky because it wasn't my stealing arm.'"

"Over the past few days, a forest fire has been burning out of control in New Jersey and so far 1500 acres have been consumed. The odd part is, New Jersey actually looks better."

"Yesterday, an Ohio Senator created a scandal on Capitol Hill when he refused to attend a hearing because one of the Backstreet Boys was testifying. Even stranger, the Senator was wearing a T-shirt that said 'N 'Sync Rules'."

"In a recent interview, Kevin Costner said that he recently broke up with his longtime girlfriend. Costner said that the break-up was long, painful and disappointingÅ just like his movies."

"At a press conference this week, 63-year-old Evel Kneival said that he wants to make one more jump. Unfortunately, during the press conference, Kneival fell and broke his hip."

"Charlie Sheen announced that he's getting married next weekend. Not only that, Sheen said his bachelor party took place from 1983 to 1997."

"At a press conference yesterday, 63-year-old Evel Kneival said that he wants to make one more jump. When asked when the jump would take place, Kneival said, 'Right after Matlock and before Diagnosis Murder.'"

"This morning during the World Cup, the United States' men's soccer team accomplished a historic upset by beating Portugal. Some people say the US cheated because with 2 minutes left Donald Rumsfeld bombed Portugal's goalie."

"In a recent interview, Steven Seagal said that a Buddhist spiritual adviser told him not to make any more movies because it would be bad karma. Not surprisingly, the Buddhist spiritual adviser's name is Roger Ebert."

"This week, a woman filed a law suit in court because she claims her hairstylist made her look like Osama bin Laden. As a result, the CIA is unable to locate her."

"This week, Chris Matthews, host of 'Hardball', signed a 7-year contract to remain with MSNBC. Matthews says staying with MSNBC is all part of his plan to remain completely unknown to the American public."

"According to sources in the publishing industry, Oprah Winfrey's magazine isn't doing well and sales have dropped by over 33%. Not surprisingly, the decline started right after the 'Oprah Bikini Issue'."

"The other day in Ohio, a couple who are big racing fans decided to name their newborn son 'Winston NASCAR' in honor of NASCAR and the Winston Cup. When asked why, the couple said, 'we already named his brother 'white trash.'"

"Latest on the war, the American Taliban member John Walker Lindh testified this week and said that when he was captured by US troops he was locked in a small, unheated room with only one light bulb. Folks, in Manhattan, an apartment like that would be $5,000 a month."

"This week Dan Rather, apparently, has been broadcasting the evening news from Jerusalem and yesterday had a close call when a car bomb exploded nearby. A Palestinian spokesperson said, 'We are really sorry. We thought it was Geraldo'."

"According to a new study, breast-feeding is the best way to ease a baby's pain, and for adults, it can really make their whole weekend."

"Yesterday in New York, Mayor Michael Bloomberg declared a drought emergency in effect in the city. In fact, the water shortage has gotten so bad that the Mayor has invited Halle Berry to come here and cry."

"Playgirl magazine is now offering the men of Enron a chance to pose nude. Coincidentally, the men of Enron will be getting the same offer from their cellmates."

"On Christmas morning, a TV station in New York aired a live shot of a fireplace burning for two hours and the show came in a number one in it's time slot. In a related story, NBC said I'm being replaced by a Duraflame log."

"A new videotape of Osama bin Laden has surfaced and in this one, Osama reportedly looks much thinner than just a few weeks ago. Which makes sense because the new tape is called, 'Sweatin' with Osama.'"

"The number one movie this weekend was 'Lord of the Rings,' which has taken in 94 million dollars. It's especially amazing because no one who went brought a date."

"It was reported today that in the year 2001, Russian tennis player Anna Kournikova came in first as the most searched athlete on the Internet. Kournikova was very excited about the honor because it's the first time she's ever won anything."

"The FOX news channel made an official apology this week because Geraldo Rivera filed an inaccurate report. Apparently Geraldo accidentally reported that he was journalist."

"Earlier today, President Bush admitted that he has no idea where Osama bin Laden is or whether or not he's still alive. Then the President said the same thing about Al Gore."

"Yahoo reports that the person with the most buzz on the web is Britney Spears, who narrowly beat Osama bin Laden. When Osama heard this, he said, 'This is unfair, I don't lip-sync to my videos.'"

"It was reported today that a recent VH-1 rebroadcast of the 'Concert for New York' edited out the crowds booing Hillary Clinton. Not surprisingly, after the boos for Hillary were taken out, the 3 hour concert ended up being only ten minutes long."

"According to fashion experts, the latest trend for teenage girls is to show a lot of cleavage and even a little butt crack. So apparently, my Uncle Walter is a teenage girl."

"It's hard to believe it's already December 18th and Christmas is next week. Or as Winona Ryder would say, there are only 6 more shoplifting days until Christmas."

"In his latest report from Afghanistan, Geraldo Rivera says that Osama Bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan. Which means that the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera."

"According to Men's Health Magazine, Boston is the healthiest city for men in country. In fact, when questioned, the average man from Boston said he felt 'wicked pissah.'"

"According to the papers, K-Mart stock had dropped 11% because of bad reports by stock analysts. Apparently the stock is now so cheap you can only buy it at K-Mart."

"Today, the Cleveland Indians traded controversial relieve pitcher John Rocker. Rocker was traded to Texas or as he calls it, 'the place near all the Mexicans.'"

"Yesterday, NBC announced that despite all the criticism they're getting they are going ahead with their plan to air hard liquor ads. Not only that, a spokesperson for NBC said he's had a few drinks and the woman from the 'Weakest Link' is starting to look pretty good."

"After rowdy fans threw dozens of beer bottles on the field in Cleveland and New Orleans last week, the agency that runs Giants Stadium banned bottled beer. As a result the only things thrown on the field this Sunday will be dozens of incomplete passes by the Giants."

"In Miami, a luxury cruise boat has been asked to leave after it was discovered to be a 'floating strip club.' A spokesperson for the city said, 'Boats are not to be used as strip clubs in Miami, they are to be used for smuggling cocaine."

"The Defense Department says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama Bin laden speaking with his followers. And apparently if you order the whole set right now they'll throw in 'Talibans' Wet & Wild Spring Break.'"

"The other day in Philadelphia, a woman walked into a theater showing 'Harry Potter' and she stripped off all her clothes. Not surprisingly, all the boys in the theater liked the movie much better than the book."

"Entertainment Weekly reports that Michael Jackson used digital technology in his recent television special to eliminate sweat stains. Jackson denies this and says that if he were going to eliminate anything it would have been Tito."

"According to a survey by Durex Condoms, Americans have sex 97 times a year. Unfortunately that means I still have 97 things on my 'To Do' list."

"Earlier tonight was the annual lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. First Lady Laura Bush was there to flip the switch on and 10,000 New Yorkers were there to flip each other off."

"This year the tree is 81 feet tall. When she arrived, Laura Bush said, 'I haven't seen that much wood since I met Bob Dole.'"

"The government is warning journalists not to go into Kandahar, because the Taliban might try to use them as hostages. In a related story, the government has asked Geraldo to go to Kandahar."

"A man in Texas named Harry Potter is complaining because his phone is ringing constantly since the release of the Harry Potter movie. Apparently, the man wants to be left alone so he's changing his last name to 'Glitter.'"

"A Texas court has upheld a law that makes it illegal for two men to have sex together in their home. Which explains why gay men all over Texas are having sex on their front lawns."

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