Jeff Foxworthy

[vixenfoxxy]

Is he still around?

Someone made a jeff foxworthy joke in my class today, that guy is fawkin hilarious. Does anyone remember the "you know you're a redneck if" things?

The kid today said the one about "...if your porch collapses and kills at least 3 dogs"

[tottallyoff]

if you mow the lawn and find your car

if you and your dad go to the same highschool

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an I.D. And you said, "Bout What?"

Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you're shur'nuff a redneck.

You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"

You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You may be a Redneck if ... You and your dog use the same tree.

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-tracks.

You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..."

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and Bring back more than you took

Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She lernt to readin'.

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

Your family tree has no forks.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You use a weedeater in your living room.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers.

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.

Down where you come from reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood

If you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint

to defend your sister's honor.

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

Your pickup has a two-tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.

You can tell your age by the Number of rings in the bathtub.

You may be a redneck if you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.

You think the stock market has fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

YOU REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS

"THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN."

The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.

You use a NASCAR credit card.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle AND your grandfather.

Your parents met at a family reunion.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE".

YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".

You couldn't learn to swim because your gene pool is too small.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos".

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.

They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32

on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

That billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

Your high school basketball game got rained out.

You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

You have a close relative named "Cletus".

You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.

You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

Last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies.

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple

get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People"

Your dog can't watch you eat without getting sick.

You think the winter olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition.

When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.

You've painted a car with house paint.

You're banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.

You ever named a child after a dog.

You have more belt-buckles than pants.

You removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

Your child's first words were "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

YOU'VE EVER COME HOME AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE AROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

[rudeboyyouth]

Why did rednecks start fucking their family to begin with? Is it because there aren't many women in redneck areas? I always wondered exactly why rednecks are considered intrafamilial- fucking retards. I suppose what I'm asking is: From the beginning of redneck time, why exactly did certain redneck men start banging their family members? Is it more than the mere fact that there aren't many women around in redneck areas? Does it have something to do with stupidity, or did the stupidity simply result from the intrafamilial banging? There had to be something within either the culture or minds of redneck men that enticed them to fuck their daughters and sisters. I just want to know what started this trend of fucking inside of the family. Perhaps it has something to do with the geographical isolation of redneck towns, which ultimately leads to an inavailability of women?

[vixenfoxxy]

thanks Totallyoff!

Rudeboy, that would take entirely too much thought to answer. You've posed the redneck version of the chicken/egg problem...