Something Nice about Chanukah

[sassa]

HOLIDAY DISTINCTIONS FINALLY EXPLAINED

>

>1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also

>love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and

>out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts

>the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one

>is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when

>Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look

>like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a

>donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher,

>or the local Memorial Chapel or other Jewish funeral home.

>

>2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the

>same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived,

>let's eat.

>

>3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,

>stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the

>collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

>

>4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to

>spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.

>

>5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.

>Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that

>burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

>

>6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for

>Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get

>to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

>

>8. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful....

>Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and

>dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the

>beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And

>don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

>

>9. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of

>cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in

>festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes,

>and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at

>once.

>

>

>10. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and

>cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on

>Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

>

>11. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents

>have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

>

>12. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such

>as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story

>are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it

>or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and

>they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

>13. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph,

>Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with

>her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here's the number of my shrink".

>

>14. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.

>The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a

>minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such

>as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come

>to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your

>dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed

>good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.

>

>Better stick with Chanukah!

>