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Our Two Dads

Life imitating art is a common theme in TWIS. Although we're not entirely sure if My Two Dads was ever syndicated to the former Yugoslavia, the Eighties sitcom seems to have inspired an Croatian threesome. This week, a twenty-three-year-old woman who slept with two men at the same time revealed that her seven-month-old twins have two different fathers. Medical experts say that twins who have two different biological fathers are extremely rare — but markedly more common in women who enjoy banging two dudes without condoms simultaneously. This story comes only weeks after a Greatest American Hero fan in Kenya attempted to fly from the roof of the Belgian embassy in Mombassa, killing himself and three onlookers.

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Sex-Ed Teacher Gets Spanked

This week, a forward-thinking Florida health teacher dimmed the lights in his classroom, put on Christmas carols (the only music he had on hand) and instructed a female student to put a condom on a banana. Instead of praise for his avant-garde production, Colin Nicholas now faces disciplinary action. Nicholas says the lesson was designed to show pupils how to practice safe sex. Local education officials say that Nicholas showed poor judgment and that condoms have "no place" in local public schools (as opposed to teen pregnancy and disease, both of which are seemingly encouraged). Said Nichols, in his defense: "It wasn't merely a demonstration of how to place a condom over a banana. It was a role play simulating a situation students could find themselves in." Only one student is believed to have complained. Let's hope he or she can find a babysitter on prom night.

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Open Up and Say AAARRRGGGHHH!

Things you don't need to reveal: surprise party plans, drunken indiscretions, the fact that someone looks terrible in their new sweater. Things you should reveal: your opinions on Iraq, food allergies and the fact that you're about to perform a pelvic exam. A recent survey of British medical students revealed that a quarter of vaginal examinations in England are performed on anesthetized patients without their consent. Perhaps it's a British public health campaign to encourage women to make gynecologist appointments they might otherwise avoid. Or maybe doctors consider it expedient: you've already got the patient on the operating table, why not kill two birds with one stone and take a peek downstairs? In what may be a related story, this week the British Medical Association announced the release of its new home video: Girls Gone Wild in Exam Room One.

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The Friendly, Friendly Skies

"Chicken or beef?" was a question flight attendants used to ask while jarring elbows around mealtime. But on a flight scheduled for this May, that might be a way to differentiate the physical appearance of the passengers. Castaways, a Houston travel agency specializing in clothing-optional vacations, is organizing a Miami-to-Cancun trip which it claims will include the first nude flight. Not that the company condones any hanky panky: "This is not a Mile High Club," claims owner James Bailey. "It's not a bunch of groupies or anything. It's just a fun flight." More than half the seats have been booked, said Bailey, who will enjoy the trip with his wife. The flight crew will be professionally dressed, and passengers will be required to keep their clothes on during check-in and takeoff. As an extra precaution, no hot food or beverages will be served. In response to complaints, Bailey might organize an additional flight for people who enjoy pouring boiling coffee on their genitalia.

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Black Sea, Blue Balls

While it's not uncommon for army sergeants to have trouble with their privates, one doesn't expect a private to have troubles with his privates. This week a twenty-one-year-old Romanian soldier named Adrian Busureanu collapsed and began convulsing uncontrollably at a barracks in Valcea, Romania. After carrying out exhaustive tests, doctors at a military hospital diagnosed Busureanu as suffering from an "acute case of sexual frustration." Said a befuddled army spokesman, "He became f*****sh, delusional and finally hysterical after being apart from his girlfriend for two months. Busureanu told doctors that being apart from his girlfriend for so long had been unbearable: "I haven't seen her since I came here two months ago. It is impossible.” Busureanu later admitted he had never head of this "wonderful jerking-off thing" the doctor mentioned.

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The Parent Trap

In what marks a great advance in the field of things you sort of knew already but really didn't want to think about, a team of researchers at St. Andrews University has determined that people are attracted to those who resemble their parent of the opposite sex, particularly when it comes to hair and eye color. The choice of a mate who looks like a parent has previously been observed in other species, notably monkeys. The researchers theorized that constant exposure to an image creates a sense of attraction and comfort. Researchers also theorized that this phenomenon will occur much more often when your mom is hot.

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Is That a Penis in Your Pocket …

It's a classic Bollywood tale: Parents arrange for Indian boy to meet Indian girl. Boy and girl court. Boy marries girl. Girl has affair with local teenage stud. Enraged husband and his crew pay the young interloper a visit, slice off his penis with a sword, then tuck the dismembered member in the victim's pocket. According to The Times of India, the victim, Jagdish Jeevan Baria, waited thirteen hours before showing up at the hospital. Doctors managed to reattach the organ after a nine-hour operation. We trust those thirteen hours were spent doing some deep soul searching; or maybe he was looking for his penis — ever run around the house for twenty minutes looking for your keys only to find that they were in your pocket?

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Heart and Sole

Legend has it that in New York City the (fairly common) sight of two shoes hanging from an outdoor telephone wire indicates a drug deal or murder. Alas, with little crack dealing taking place at the University of Minnesota, students have been forced find another outlet for the primal urge to hang shoes on things. Minneapolis' Star Tribune reported this week that a tree on U of M's campus is festooned with thousands of old sneakers, tossed there by jubilant undergrads after losing their virginity. Because — haven't you heard? — shoes are for virgins. The students, some quite literally left barefoot and pregnant, are participating in a ritual whose origins are shrouded in the mists of time — one careful observer noted that he could still spot the old brown-and-orange Pony sneakers upon the knotted branches. Despite concerns that the laces may ultimately choke and kill the tree, there are no immediate plans to remove the shoes. To do so would be to destroy an endless source of profound philosophical contemplation. As one student remarked, "This tree, without the shoes, we wouldn't even realize it. It would be just another tree." Okay, so maybe there are a few crack dealers at the school.

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The Sex Police

Several countries have seemingly made New Year's resolutions to limit citizens' access to smut. Authorities in Ho Chi Minh City recently made a bonfire out of thousands of pornographic videos and books as part of the city's ongoing campaign against "social evils." Meanwhile, police in Pakistan's Northwest Frontier province have burned thousands of items, including Indian and English films, posters and "sex tonics" as part of the Islamic nation's own drive against obscenity. Not to be outdone, police in Yanan, a city in northern China, have apologized this week for raiding a couple's home and arresting the husband for watching a pornographic video. Police later released the man and dropped the case, but the couple claimed that the incident traumatized the husband, who became uncharacteristically quiet after returning home from prison. Added the wife tearfully: "I will be satisfied if my husband returns to his old self again." She then picked up a copy of Hustler and waved it under his nose.