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[heretic909]

I've been telling myself, that I don't want her to ever speak to me again unless it's an apology. But then she calls this morning after I had finished DJing and I hadn't slept yet, so I wasn't in my stable mental state. She starts talking, and I completely forget about how she fucking hurt me and I conversed with her in a total relaxed manner. An hour later, I hang up the phone, and I'm not sure if I should kick myself for not remembering that she hurt me and that I don't want anything to do with her, or if I should just be content with the fact that we finally shared a pleasant conversation for the first time in weeks.

I'm still mad at her, but for some reason I can't maintain that anger. Turns out I'm happy that her and I could actually talk for once. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but maybe we'll be able to create some kind of non-romantic friendship. I dunno... I'm pissed off one minute, then somehow satisfied the next.

The human mind is seriously one of the most devilish creations. I don't think we'll ever truly understand what drives our thoughts or desires. The secret is to filter out the analytical thought and put your faith in your true feelings... Easier said than done...

[scaredgirl]

it is fine u don't have to be rude even if she hurt u ... u are a gentleman ...

if u really feel confuse try not to speak with her so u can clarify what u really fell if u answer the phone and she is there speak with her one minute and then say right away you have to go ..

u can keep doing that until u feel sure of ur feelings , maybe she will understand u really don't feel like talking with her and she will apologize or just stop calling u ....

[magellanmax]

Unless you are a glutton for pain, CUT HER LOOSE !!! Nothing good comes out of a damaged relationship but heartaches !!! Dont do it !! Let her go, for your and her sake !!

[heretic909]

I think that is part of it. As long as I can remember, I've always felt the most comfortable when I was inside the element of emotional pain. I think when I was younger, that I convinced myself that self-torture would create better art, but now I don't know how to release myself from that mindstate. I still feel most content when I'm miserable, but I think there's finally a small part of me trying to break out that wants to be happy...

Fuck it... Concentrate on the majority rather than the small fraction that wants to enjoy her. Her fucking mom just called me a few minutes ago which is really starting to piss me off. The only time her or her mom ever call me is when they want something from me. I'm tired of being used for their own personal agendas... for everyone's agendas in this fucking hellhole of a town. Time to put the gameface on and say 'fuck all this shit'. She keeps saying that I'm a fucking rich white boy that should do the right thing, no matter how many times I tell her that the artist's portrait of her when she was pregnant costs more than the mobile home I grew up in. Unfortunately, I have nothing to offer right now, but she sees the color of my skin as an escape out of her twisted life even though I'm currently worse off than her and her family. Do all Puerto Rican girls think like this? Why would she assume that I could offer her a better life even though she treats me like shit and my check for rent this month just bounced. At least she's got her family and a place to stay... I'm the only one from my family that doesn't live on the west coast, and my financial situation is seriously beyond fuct up right now. What the fuck does she want from me?

This shit is driving me crazy. We took the paternity test three weeks ago, and every day I'm searching every corner of my mailbox, I guess because I'm trying to see if there's some small letter that contains the results of the test. It's seriously starting to drive me insane, waiting for the answers. As much as I love this little baby, I really hope she's not mine, because if she is, I'll want to take her back out west with me and give her a decent chance at life. And I know if it comes down to that, her mom will fight for her and try to keep her in the projects here in Queens in her mom's apt. I don't want my child to be a project's baby, but her mother seems determined to continue her family's cycle of suffering.

It can't just be a "white family" concept like she accused me of. Why wouldn't any parent want to provide a better life for their child than what they had themselves. That's why I'm praying that this precious little girl isn't mine, because I know her mother will never allow that. Most likely she isn't mine, but I still need the evidence in my hand so I can rid myself of these doubts. I'm the only one from my family that lives on this side of the country, and I really don't want to have to try to take legal custody of this girl if she is mine because I don't have the support or resources. The only thing that is allowing me to sleep at night is that the doctors said she was conceived in January when she was still with her ex. But at the same time, this baby was born on my birthday, so every year it's going to be a constant wondering to as how she's doing.

I dunno. I really need to quit drinking for tonite because I'm just starting to get stupid and rambling. It's just driving me crazy waiting for the results for this paternity test. Please excuse my typing fingers, because they're just stating the insanity that's in my head right now thru this online bullshit. It just kind of helps getting this shit off of my chest whether you read it or not. Maybe I should find one of those online journal sites or something. Or maybe I should just quit drinking and go to bed...

[magellanmax]

First off..... By your girl being Puerto Rican has totally nothing to do with her behavior... life has changed alot. White, Black, Asian or Latin descent has nothing to do with an offsprings upbringing !!

Economics basically dictates how a couple or a single parent raises their kids these days. On some ocassions, the extended family perception of a said 'parent' clouds the court systems decisions....especially if one has some skeletons in their closets.

If I was in your shoes, I think I'd go out on a limb praying it was my kid. What is a more legitmate proof of your existence than having your own red blooded offspring living and breathing? ........Nada !! Life is precious and rewarding in a lot of ways,..dont let it slip by you. Taking your baby to the west coast doesnt necessarily guarantee it a safe and fruitful life...thats a stereotype that you need to break away from. There are people who grew up in single or divorced families that think "A fruitful life has no zip-code'... It may be true... work with your girl and her family(if it turns out she's yours) It may just turn out to be the best thing you did in your life...

just a thought...(doesnt necessarily make it rite)

[heretic909]

Yeah, I'm just sick of her saying that I only want to bring her up in a "white family" which I don't understand. I only want to give the baby the best chance at life that she can get if she is mine, but her mom seems hellbent on keeping her in this city and raising her in the projects like she was. She says it will make her "more real" whatever the hell that means.

The reason I brought up the Puerto Rican thing was because whenever she changes this baby's diapers, she makes me leave the room which I don't understand either. I was the oldest out of all of my cousins, so I've always known how to take care of little ones. But she freaks out if I even bring up the idea of changing this baby's diapers, and this one Puerto Rican girl I talked to told me to not get offended because that was a typical Puerto Rican thing, and that I shouldn't get upset if she only calls me when she needs something from me also. I really didn't think there were certain characteristics I should be aware of when I was with a certain girl, but the more I talk to people over here, the more they tell me that it's typical.

That's why I'd want to take her back to the west coast if she was my child. That kind of shit wasn't around where I grew up over there, and life was just so much more relaxing when I lived over there (although really fucking boring) and I'd want to raise my kid in a calmer environment rather than have her over here in the projects where I see all kinds of insane shit happen all the time. But her mom keeps saying that the shit over here is "more real" than my west coast "white family" upbringing, so that's why I'm really hoping that she's not mine because I don't see me and her mom agreeing on this kinda stuff anytime soon.

[magellanmax]

This is some fucken good shit !! You actually have a girl who "may" be your daughters mom who wont let you change your daughters diapers??? :eek: WTF !!! I'm dating the wrong girls !! Sign me up for some Boricua ass papi !!!...

[heretic909]

Yeah, I don't mind not having to change the diapers. It's just that I feel insulted when she makes me leave the room. I know she went thru some shit...I know her mom went thru some shit... In fact, every girl that I've hooked up with on the east coast has gone thru some shit which is so unfortunate in my eyes... But at the same time, they're sticking me in with the rest of these fucking assholes just because I have a dick. It's like, I feel sincerely awful for the shit they've gone thru, but at the same time I'm trying to conceal my feelings of how I'm insulted by their attitude towards me just because I'm a guy, but I know I have to hide that unhappiness because they've gone thru that shit and I haven't, and when it gets to that level, I don't have the right to put my feelings first.

Man, I dunno. I know she's had a harder life than me... But it's just really insulting that she would even consider looping me in with these other guys just because I'm a man. I'm really starting to believe, that I could spend the next 20 years of my life trying to convince her that I am one of the good guys... but in the end it wouldn't matter at all because she's already got her conceptions built from past experiences...

I can't decide if I should try to chip away at the wall she's built around her, or if I should just move on...