Dear Alcohol

[psychosweetie]

Dear Alcohol,

I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors

with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan

of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling

(different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.)

Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the

perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're

even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us

when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet

lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I

want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I

feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed

below for your review:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is

important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of

substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking

is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab

with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps

(washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit

Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a

bit too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to

do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the

issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely

unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30

seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often

clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are

heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian

Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable

balloon animals, traffic cones, bras

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I

most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see

if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to

the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and

should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the

phrase "Let's shag." While I may be thinking this, please

reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought

from being a statement, especially in public.

Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a

little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in

order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely

unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively

taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)

prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor

with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and

no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day,

for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you

do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and

want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the

invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and

the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the

extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this

relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above

and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later

than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions

and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank

you for your prompt attention to these matters.

Sincerely - your biggest fan

[Reeni]

:laugh: