psychosweetie Posted February 23 Report Share Posted February 23 Dear Alcohol,I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factorswith you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fanof yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling(different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.)Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- theperfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you'reeven around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm uswhen we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yetlately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, Iwant to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but Ifeel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefedbelow for your review:1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication isimportant, I question the suggestion that any conversation ofsubstance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cookingis far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebabwith chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps(washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a KitKat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went abit too far this time.3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need todo yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer theissue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completelyunnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30seconds to get the front door key into the lock.4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can oftenclarify the last point below, but the following costumes areheretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: IndianWigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatableballoon animals, traffic cones, bras5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, Imost likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and seeif in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar tothe old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, andshould heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is thephrase "Let's shag." While I may be thinking this, pleasereinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thoughtfrom being a statement, especially in public.Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know alittle penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be inorder, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completelyunacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactivelytaken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floorwith a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal andno way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day,for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- youdo your part, I'll do mine.Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, andwant to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been theinvoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, andthe needed companion when we just don't know what to do with theextra money in our pockets. In order to continue thisrelationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances aboveand address them immediately. I will look for an answer no laterthan Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutionsand hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thankyou for your prompt attention to these matters.Sincerely - your biggest fan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reeni Posted February 25 Report Share Posted February 25 :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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