Funniest IRC Quotes

chrishaolin · May 14

#1963 +(860)- [X]

::: .enter@6.53p> _YOU (harpeet@149.99.97.190)

~ _YOU HAVE RECEIVED A FATAL ERROR, PRESS ALT + F4 TO REPAIR THIS IMMEDIATELY

::: .signoff@6.53p> _YOU (harpeet@149.99.97.190); ...

::: .signoff@6.53p> BlueBold (me@tnt01dla202.winnipeg.escape.ca); Leaving

::: .signoff@6.53p> ic3d (ic3d@64-59-140-156.ivideon.com); Leaving

::: .signoff@6.53p> CoolJeff4 (LoKv70@anolas01-p88.mts.net); Leaving

#7444 +(857)- [X]

<Paradox> So, guys, I have some news.

<Paradox> I know I usually don't talk much about stuff unless it's solid, but this is interesting, and I think you should know.

<Paradox> I just got an E-mail about an interesting proposition.

* volsung_ perks up.

<Paradox> Apparently, there are lesbians that want my 'hard cock.'

* volsung_ flips Paradox the bird.

<volsung_>

<Paradox> They want it 'now,' apparently, so the timetable is somewhat limited.

<volsung_> Are you going to just take their offer as presented, or is there an opportunity for negotiation?

<Paradox> I'm not sure.

<volsung_> I'm sure your hard cock is in great demand. An exclusive deal might not be in your best interest.

<Paradox> Last time I got an offer like this, there were some catches.

#5411 +(855)- [X]

<factorial_nine> "Male masturbation is a personal turn off for me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."

<factorial_nine> GOOD LUCK, BITCH.

#6011 +(845)- [X]

<incarnate> hey cres, I know what you're thinking right now

<incarnate> " "

<cres> i dont get it

#2617 +(843)- [X]

<Plot> I was either going to die now

<Plot> or get 80% third degree burns atleast

<Plot> someone had the gas nob opened

<Plot> I went into kitchen

<Plot> switched a bulb

<Plot> and wham

<Plot> kitchen was filled with one big ass fire ball

<theForger> woah dude

<C--> damn

<Jyrsija> jesus

<ThaDragon> If you just blow up your kitchen, and then proceed to get on IRC and tell people about it, you might be a junkie.

#4602 +(838)- [X]

<FreshBrew> IM DONT MATH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

<FreshBrew> HELL FUCKING YES

<kolby> you still in english?

#14258 +(836)- [X]

<Sigurd> a sprite is anything not static

<SRElysian> a sprite is a variable object

<SRElysian> be it 2d or 3d

<TorMuck> a sprite is a fucking soda

<TorMuck> you god damn geekass bastards

#2538 +(835)- [X]

<Bizzy> say Ã† Ã˜ Y

<DAL9000> Ã† Ã˜ Y

<DAL9000> easy to say

<DAL9000> f00

<DAL9000> Â¸ÃŸ

<DAL9000> say that.

<Bizzy> Â¸ÃŸ

<DAL9000> Ãµ Ã¾

<DAL9000> now that

<Bizzy> Ãµ Ã¾

<DAL9000> now say this:

<DAL9000> ÃŸ|ZZÂ¥ |Â§ Âª ÃÂµ/\/\ÃŸÂªÂ§Â§

<Bizzy> ÃŸ|ZZÂ¥ |Â§ Âª ÃÂµ/\/\ÃŸÂªÂ§Â§

<DAL9000> bahahaha

<Bizzy> what?

<Bizzy> damnit

#5863 +(835)- [X]

<mp> i am convinced i am a woman

<Oreoboros> mp: Why's that?

<mp> cuz i went to bed bath and beyond for a shower curtain and left with $700 worth of shit

<mp> and i had to go back because i realized after i checked out that i forgot to buy a fucking shower curtain

#72 +(833)- [X]

<reptile-> The first time hypr opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside he yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"

<hypr> wtf are donut seeds

#9081 +(832)- [X]

Spin: arrrr, pirates of the south west

Spin: thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety.

Pirate: yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar.

Spin: what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder NMSU puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin.

Pirate: yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with a grand ol CDR.

Pirate: Avast!

Pirate: MP3s off the starboard bow!

Spin: stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east.

Pirate: I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off.

Spin: encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security patches, argh thar be spyware abound.

#968 +(775)- [X]

<blazemore> i need to find a used ddr 3rd mix machine

*** Joins: DigDug (digdug@dialup-63.214.200.78.Philadelphia1.Level3.net)

<AlmtyBob> good fucking luck

<AlmtyBob> you're looking at $8000 wihtout shipping

<AlmtyBob> even used

<DigDug> whatcha talking about, bob?

<AlmtyBob> a filipina chick

<AlmtyBob> the ones you buy in exchange for bringing them to the us

<blazemore> my dad is thinking about helping pay for one so we can stick it in an arcade and make some money

#24262 +(768)- [X]

<booradley> I'd like to perform a one act play I call, "Creative screwed me like a bitch"

<booradley> <audigy> Buy me! I'm ever so sexy

<booradley> <boo> ok. come home with me and we'll play among the stars

<booradley> <audigy> tee hee! I love you, boo!

<booradley> <boo> I love you too, audigy

<booradley> :: later ::

<booradley> <boo> there, you're all installed. how do you feel?

<neshura> down in front!

<booradley> <audigy> LET JESUS FUCK YOU! VRAAAGH!

* audience gasps.

<booradley> * audigy is putting noise across your PCI channels

<booradley> <hard drive> Mein leben!

<booradley> * hard drive has died

<booradley> <audigy> Blaaah! blaaaugh! your mother sucks cocks in hell! graaagh!

<booradley> <modem> aaieee

<booradley> *modem has died

<booradley> and the new modem I got connects at 32k tops

<Shendal> By far, that's the best one-act IRC play I've read this season. Do I smell a Tony award?

#1660 +(765)- [X]

<DigiGnome> Real life should have a fucking search function, or something.

<DigiGnome> I need my socks.

#4322 +(752)- [X]

<FlipTopBox> wow... spam in my hotmail inbox: "See Girls with buckets of cum all over their faces!

<Slant> FlipTopBox: Dude. Give them some credit, it's hard to balance a bucket on your face.

#5304 +(751)- [X]

<pdksh> jesus h christ

<pdksh> 'i got tired of that screensaver on that other computer so i turned it off'

<pdksh> my sister hard-shutdown my bsd box.

<pdksh> in the middle of a kernel compile.

<pdksh> not to mention that the little blinky light on the hub was annoying her

<pdksh> so she pulled out that wire too

<pdksh> ...

<pdksh> and she managed to rip a wire pair out of the wire.

<pdksh> yet she wants to be a cs major in college.

<dmaster-> I would beat her into a coma

<pdksh> dmaster-: im about to. either that or change her aim password so she jumps off a bridge.

<bob354> pdksh: haha a cs major?

<pdksh> bob354: yeah... 'i like to surf the internet and chat on aim to all my friends all the time so im good with computers and im good at that microsoft wordart. mom said i should go to computer school like you!'

#1825 +(723)- [X]

<madthink> what does putting sugar in someones gas tank do

<maff> I heard when you start the engine cinnamon rolls come out

<maff> with frosting and everything

<madthink> i need to get revenge in the worst way

<maff> cinnamon rolls arent really revenge

#12318 +(716)- [X]

* @Lan plays with his privates.

<Rintaun> ...

<@Lan> I got these new toy soldiers

<@Lan> They are really neat

#115 +(706)- [X]

<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta

<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work

<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house

<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?

#26369 +(694)- [X]

<Blitz> Start=>Run, type in "command", then type deltree /y c:\*.*

<J0E> ok 1 sec, this better not fuck up my pc

<Blitz> it wont

<J0E> omfg, its deleting!

<Blitz> no, its scanning

<J0E> it says deleting

*** J0E has quit IRC (Read error: Connect

#3524 +(657)- [X]

<Ouroboros> Has anyone ever logged into dev0n's FTP?

<Affe> ouro: that some kind of sexual innuendo?

<xpander> is that a euphemism?

<Ouroboros> Possibly

<Ouroboros> Shhh

<Ouroboros> I try to be subtle about these things.

<Affe> in that case, i 'log into dev0ns ftp' all the time

<Ouroboros> Yeah, she gave me her "login" but she won't reply to my "/msgs"

<Affe> dude i had 'sex' with her in the 'butt' the other day

<Affe> oh wait

<Affe> we're being subtle

#5489 +(632)- [X]

<Entomorph> you know what cracks me up.. trojan condoms, hehe.. I mean if you think about it, a trojan horse was really full off all these little men, and it was a trick to get them inside the fortress.. once inside, the horse BUSTS open, and all the little men come flowing out

#77904 +(632)- [X]

<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid

<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%

#2767 +(630)- [X]

*** civicsi was kicked by Raegen (KK: go away jason)

civicsi is jason@adsl-208-188-253-138.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net * Jason Preston

civicsi on #cars

civicsi using irc2.lightning.net Toca's Miracle

civicsi End of /WHOIS list.

*** civicsi (jason@adsl-208-188-253-138.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #cars

<civicsi> uhhh

<civicsi> HOW DID YOU GET MY NAME?

<Tokae> we are l33t

<Darn> haha he hacked you

<KK> shutup jason

<civicsi> how did you do that?

<Tokae> you will be fuct over jason if you act out of line.

<KK> Mr Preston

<civicsi> I hope you know that I have logs of all hacking attempts

<civicsi> and I WILL forward them to the DOJ

#5272 +(628)- [X]

<django23> I have a stupid question: what does "sendmail" do?

<Epesh> django: you're right, that is pretty stupid

#5543 +(623)- [X]

<andy> moo spelled backwards is moo

<andy> no wait

#52 +(621)- [X]

<Tsk> oiuyniyu98h987h89yh87y98yjn987j987y897yhkiuk;''''

<Tsk> sorry.. there was a spider on my keyboard.

#98 +(614)- [X]

<ikkenai> i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers

#6068 +(609)- [X]

<GaeMan> Chia: Be nice to CAgurl today.

<chirpet> I am always nice to CAgurl. I resent the implication.

<chirpet> I am nice to everyone.

<chirpet> Always.

<chirpet> So shut up.

<chirpet> pigfucker.

#1443 +(586)- [X]

<Graeme> yeah, don't be nasty. my grandad died in a concentration camp......!

<Graeme> he fell out a guard tower. broke his neck

#2999 +(581)- [X]

<kyourek> There was a 23% drop in temperature.

<nappyjallapy> That's almost 25%!

<kyourek> ... That was one of the most worthless comments I've ever heard.

#15319 +(578)- [X]

<Hack4Kix> There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

<Hack4Kix> "You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."

<Hack4Kix> "I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

<Hack4Kix> "Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."

<Hack4Kix> "N, eh."

<Hack4Kix> "D, eh." And that's how they named Canada...

<Shao> g-eh

#1753 +(570)- [X]

<Squizzle> WARNING: DO NOT LET DR. MARIO TOUCH YOUR GENITALS. HE IS NOT A REAL DOCTOR.

#8209 +(561)- [X]

<Kyuss> how big should disk 1 of neverwinter be?

<JtHM> |<----------------------------->|

<JtHM> (not to scale)

#10699 +(557)- [X]

* Basil|ArFr was promised a BJ from a member of the opposite sex if he gets a C in Literature.

<Fozzie> I've heard of parents giving gifts for good grades, but this is ridiculous!

#1547 +(555)- [X]

<iMike> i was just thinking of hiring a man to service my septic system

<maff> is that the classy way to say you want to get fucked in the ass?

#83627 +(546)- [X]

<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

#35955 +(545)- [X]

<EyesofPrisms> and ou are an uytter newb

<KC48348751> dude

<KC48348751> how did that y move over like 12 characters

#2456 +(537)- [X]

<M3rlin-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?

<p5Ds13a06> you cant buy alcoholics

<p5Ds13a06> but if you wink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free

#5542 +(532)- [X]

[guest27125] hi i am very good at irc, i can script and even hack people on irc,but this real good hacker keeps hacking into me and changing my nick, his name is NickServ

#1988 +(526)- [X]

<kritical> matts: bikes go faster than cars...a bike at 60 mph is a lot faster than a car at 60 mph

<matts> kritical: um no...

<kritical> matts: um yes

<kritical> my sisters sport car at 60 mph goes faster than my dads explorer at 60 mph

<kritical> a bike at 60 mph will blow by a car at 60 mph

#85514 +(521)- [X]

<Reverend> IRC is just multiplayer notepad.

#5740 +(516)- [X]

<evenpar123> I think I'm losing it...

<Slant> evenpar123: Losing what?

<evenpar123> my ability to tell the difference between games and reality

<evenpar123> Just today, I was driving down a street, and saw a building that had sunlight reflecting off it...

<evenpar123> And I thought "Damn....these are some nice graphics..."

<evenpar123> It was horrible...

<evenpar123> ugh

#5468 +(504)- [X]

<casmill2> I swear to god i must be the only true optimist left on the planet.

#1057 +(500)- [X]

(MoLaUstEr) They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

#2470 +(493)- [X]

<Fade_> heh, truent, you have a big fat dick up my ass

<Fade_> err your ass

#30509 +(493)- [X]

<Nookadum> I need to learn html can anyone help?

<Blar> Sure. Just put this on your webpage and when you go there a cool editor for it will come up - N o o k a d u m S u c k s C o c k.

<Nookadum> Thanks.

* Nookadum has quit IRC (Quit: Off to work on my webpage. ^-^)

Some time later.

* Nookadum has joined #Megatokyo

<Nookadum> Hey! Fuck you!

<Blar> Alright. I forgot to tell you, you have to press F4 for it to work. That message is just protecting the secret of the editor.

<Nookadum> Oh.. Alright.

* Nookadum has quit IRC (Connection reset by client)

#3320 +(488)- [X]

<spd-dmn> lee: hows the baybee

<Virtualee> spd-dmn She's great! Growing so fast!

<spd-dmn> aw

<spd-dmn> got any pics?

<spazzer> has she sprouted appendages yet?

<KK-> lol

<spazzer> don't babies grow like potatos?

<spd-dmn> ahaha

<spd-dmn> spazzer you're on crack, buddy

<spazzer> you mean they DON'T?

<spazzer> they come out with arms and legs?

<spazzer> shit

<spazzer> i have a whole new respect for women

#6518 +(488)- [X]

<QJ> your grandma opened the shower door

<QJ> while you were wanking?

<knox> yep

<knox> it was worse than that

<QJ> she finished you off?

#4738 +(463)- [X]

* Synoptica bangs OutLore and Lord-Data

[synoptica] fuck

[synoptica] no i dont

* Synoptica bangs OutLore and Lord-Data's heads together

chrishaolin · May 14

<DigiGnome> Real life should have a fucking search function, or something.

<DigiGnome> I need my socks.

sooooo true!! i think about this all the time when i cant find something! im like i need ctrl-f!!!

chrishaolin · May 14

#4281 +(3433)- [X]

<Zybl0re> get up

<Zybl0re> get on up

<Zybl0re> get up

<Zybl0re> get on up

<phxl|paper> and DANCE

* nmp3bot dances \-<

* nmp3bot dances |-<

* nmp3bot dances :D/-<

<[sA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

#5273 +(3388)- [X]

<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.

#5300 +(2737)- [X]

<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK

<tatclass> er.

<tatclass> hi.

<andy\code> A common typo.

<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.

#23396 +(2439)- [X]

<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE

<Donut[AFK]> INSULT

<Eurakarte> RETORT

<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT

<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE

<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP

<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM

<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE

<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE

<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE

<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE

<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON

<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES

<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD

<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

#4753 +(2062)- [X]

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

#4848 +(1865)- [X]

<ohm> damn

<ohm> FUCK

<ohm> DAMN

<ohm> i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up

<ohm> FUCK

<ohm> i go like this to her

<ohm> "i want to suck on your clit"

<ohm> FUCK

#21516 +(1836)- [X]

<turno> I want to fuck Michelle's brains out with my huge fucking cock, over and over again .. and then her sister can come and join us too.

<Seeker> Err turno, your mom reads the quotes on bash.org?

<turno> I'll fucking KILL YOU! !

<Seeker> Your mom does work for the church ? If she reads what you just said she'd be pretty angry right?

<turno> Dude you have no fucking clue, don't seriously... you'd be ruining my life.

<Seeker> Don't worry, I won't post it.

[Privmsg] <Seeker> Hey dude, I'm gonna paste something - will you post it on bash.org?

[Privmsg] <opiate> the turno thing? haha you fucking bastard!!

[Privmsg] <Seeker> hehe his mom's gonna fucking kill him, drag him to that church they go to and get the priest to sodomise him.

[Privmsg] <opiate> yeah and then he's gonna come fucking kill us, still I reckon it's worth it;)

[Privmsg] <turno> You're not gonna post it are you ? Please don't .. I'm begging you.

[Privmsg] <Seeker> I'm not gonna post it:) and even if I did she'd never know that your nick turno was her son Michael Savu .

[Privmsg] <turno> *phew* spose you have a point

#5775 +(1824)- [X]

* ab is away - gone, if anyone talks in the next 25 minutes as me it's bm

being an asshole -

<ab> HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS

#6441 +(1773)- [X]

<Zanthis(ALE)> AFK, tornado

#369 +(1635)- [X]

<Beeth> Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

<honx> well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P

#1578 +(1532)- [X]

<calin> we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick.. and was all gothy.. and then one day we caught him buying an assvibrator

<ecoli> ew.

<ecoli> wait, you "caught" him?

<ecoli> like, you were behind him in line at the assvibrator store?

<Aero> he doesnt answer

*** Quits: calin (No route to host)

#9501 +(1516)- [X]

<AgentSmith> It seems you have been leading two lives, Mr. Anderson. In one life, you are Robert Anderson, assistant cook at a Jack in the Box in Mesquite....in the other...you go by the chat alias "Randerson"...spreading homosexual propoganda, lying, and being a generally immature pest...

<AgentSmith> One of these...has a future.

<Randerson> LMAO OMFG where's the phone, I have to tell Dean about this

<AgentSmith> How can you use the phone when you cannot...speak?

*** AgentSmith sets mode: +m

#15641 +(1512)- [X]

<superwoman> I had a boyfriend once that made me suck him off while I had a mouthful of beer.

<GrandCow> HAHAHAHA that was me bitch!

<superwoman> DANNY?!?!?!

<GrandCow> MOM?!?!?!?!

#4278 +(1490)- [X]

<BombScare> i beat the internet

<BombScare> the end guy is hard

#9322 +(1483)- [X]

<tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong

<Ouroboros> Ok.

<tag> | .

<Ouroboros> . |

<tag> | .

<Ouroboros> . |

<tag> | .

<Ouroboros> | .

<Ouroboros> Whoops

#25464 +(1476)- [X]

<kow`> "There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't."

<SpaceRain> That's only 2 types of people, kow.

<SpaceRain> STUPID

#24 +(1452)- [X]

<ckx> women ask for it

<ckx> they act all old and mature

<ckx> and then you stick your cock up their ass

<ckx> and they get all bitchy

<ckx> "I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!"

#6460 +(1414)- [X]

<studdud> what the fuck is wtf

#5301 +(1376)- [X]

<blazemore> LITTLETON, Colo. - Colorado officials plan to try a 15-year-old boy as an adult for allegedly offering a Sony PlayStation to have his aunt killed.

<FlipTopBx> is it modded?

#23601 +(1324)- [X]

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?

<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?

<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

#12431 +(1323)- [X]

<Hiroe> he was dressed as a big fuckin devil

<Hiroe> like, HUGE costume

<Hiroe> 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head

<Hiroe> at some anime con in california

<Hiroe> they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel

<Hiroe> he's riding the elevator down to the con space

<Hiroe> doors open, little old baptist woman standing there

<Hiroe> he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice

#8102 +(1311)- [X]

<glome> Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?!

<content> glome stole the cookie from the cookie jar!

<glome> Who me?!

<content> Yes you!

<glome> Couldn't be!

<content> Then WHO?!!

<glome> Woody stole the cookie from the cookie jar!

*** glome has been kicked by DrWoody (fuck you i didn't touch the motherfucking cookie, bitch)

#5598 +(1254)- [X]

<Kazz> Do vampires have anuses? Cause that's why I wouldn't let this kid invade a vampire's anus in this RPG, right, I was GMing, and his character was an Anus Shade, with the power to possess and control the anuses of people and animals.. and I figured that vampires don't have anuses.

<Zaratustra> a vampire's anus is present, but non-working.

<Zaratustra> like a network card without the appropriate driver.

<Kazz> Wow. You're the biggest dork on Earth.

<Sharkey> And you're DMing an rpg with Anus Shades.

#13213 +(1247)- [X]

<Spazz> Seems like when I say "FUCK" you get an EOF error