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Affairs of the Heart

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*The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where

they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted after passionate love making they fell asleep, awakening around

8:00 p.m.

As the man put on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside

and rub them through the grass and gravel.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He then slipped into his shoes and

drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary

and we've been having sex all afternoon.

I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,

"You lying ******!

You've been playing golf!".

*The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage


The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,

delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever


He went &n bsp;back to his wife and told her there was no way he could be

the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked,

"Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said,

"Not this time darling!"

*The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be

buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he

noticed t! he size of his manhood.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to

be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.

It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools

to remove the dead man's private bit.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife.

Opening his brief case he said:

"I have something to show you that you won't believe! "

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed,

"Schwartz is dead!"

*Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she h eard her husband opening the

front door.

"Hurry,!" she said, "stand in the corner."

Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with

talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a


"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for

us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed and went to the


He returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.

"I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days

and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

*The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a


"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man.

The bartender replied, "Yes."

So the man glances over at the menu and asks,

"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money. A whole

4 cents."

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartend! er replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says,

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing as I'm doing to his business.!"

*The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his


She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused

him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lip began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he


"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he

said in his tired voice, "

I have something! that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's all

right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace,

Becky. I ..... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend

and even your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

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