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i need your soulseek names again


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You will find this in my folder....

Christina applegate, you gotta put me on.

Guess who’s piece of the cake is jack gone?

She broke her wishbone and wished for a sign.

I told her whispers in my heart were fine.

What did she think she could do?

I feel for her, I really do.

And I stared at the ring finger on her hand,

I wanted her to be a big pm dawn fan,

But I had to put her right back with the rest.

That’s the way it goes, I guess

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so the experience was the usual. we had fun, talked, listen to some downtempo music. i can't even remember what exactly and stupid stupid asses that we are called up andrew at 6 am and went to the city to buy 2 more. by the time we got home it was already 9 and i had to be at work at 10:30...i was still completely fucked up..shit started to go wrong, i was feeling sick and i had the worst panic attack ever. boris thought i was exagerating but i ended up hugging the toilet bowl puking my fucking brains out. i layed on the bathroom floor screaming and crying like a psycho saying shit like, " why do i keep doing this to myself?? when is this going to end? why am i a drug addict? i can't stop doing drugs..." and was so close to getting up and slitting my wrists.. i felt so fucking suicidal..i've eaten so many pills in the last 5 years...and this wasn't the first time i've flipped like this, but the first that i've gotten so sick. boris stayed with me and he went nuts too, talking and talking all this shit that this is enough and we're never ever doing drugs together again.

..and the entire night he kept saying drugs will be the downfall of our relationship and i didn't think it would be, i kept saying that everything would be ok, of course, cause i was fucked up and everything seemed so wonderful. it wasnt until we both started hysterically crying in each others arms that i realized if we continue this fucking stupid cycle were going to lose each other. we decided the only best thing to do is to go to na meetings together. i always thought that once i fell in love that this habit would go away but obviously not. he told me and i figured before that the reason i do this shit to myself is because i don't like myself, things had happened to me in my childhood that i never dealt with, pushed all this traumatizing shit aside and fed my depression over it w/ drugs.. so not only am i addicted to substances now but how to fix and deal with this hidden issues that have only gotten worse over the years? ive already figured out what they are, the situations are so rememberable (is that a word?).. my father leaving me, getting raped at fucking 13 years old, getting abused emotionally when i was a kid at school.. all leading to low self esteem that drove me to drugs. and now that i have what i want, a soul mate, a true love.. a GOOD thing, my instinct is to destroy it, because of my destructive behavior, i feel i don't deserve something pure and right..because i've never felt this way before ever in my life..i feel it's neccessary to doom everythign for the worst because that's the way it's always been.

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saturday's kind of a blur.. it's already wednesday and i got sooo fucked up that night on k, 3 pills, coke and tina soooo there arent many details for this night.. cept i finally freggin met the house dealer after going there for 6 years and the nigga hooked me up. his name is johnny and he's throwing another afterhours party since vinyl's done done done and he's working with ariel the light guy and some other dudes who were part of vinyl staff.. so anyways he tells me there's this party they always go to after at what's his faces house but we just end up going back to johnny's and hes all like sooo what do you want k e coke blah blah blah so i end up doing this pill... a number one and i hallucinated like i never have on e...where the fuck eh got the pills he wouldnt tell me but the k was cooked and fresh and everythign was excellente.

went home, took a shower, went to work, but by the time i got there damien was like youre so late, i left you a message to just stay home.. i was like motherucker so i called johnny and he put me on scoobies list.. gave me another freakin pill.. i didnt do it, i was still too retarded from the night before.. and can i just say that at 9 pm danny was aready playting the sickest most classic house tracks and i knew every person in that place.. all the all school be yourself heads.. even if i didnt know their names.. their faces.. i knew..

so OMG I bumped into elisio!!! love him.. met hima mad long time ago and he's the nastiest dancer.. i chilled with him and his friend jen.. who's another chica like me.. going to this party for mad long...MAD PEOPLE were there.. we had this sick ill crew..the music was off the hook all night, it was such a beautiful emotional thing.. left at 7 am and i did not want to to do it.. it hurt bad.. i cried when i left.. a lot of us had tears in our eyes.. we would never be able to enjoy ourselves like this again, never dance in this place, chill in the arcade..meet wonderful, friendly people you can't meet anywhere else.. and hear the incredible tracks and technique danny used.. always on point. dammit, i cant stop thinking about it still.. i took a poster they made of some flyers for the be yourself party .. and i took my sweet ass time walking down the tunnel to the front entrance..

it was pouring too.. it was so bittersweet..i just couldnt leave..but had to, so anyway i'm at the store around the corner buying newports and i see this cutie buying some shit so i knew he was up in there before so i asked him if he was going back in and he was.. but we just kept talking and talking and he ended up asking me for my number. his name is brian, hes a financial planner.. old school raver and YES god fuckign dammit he knows the crew.. brandon, richie, tom etc etc. oh well, everybody knows everyone in this fucking city, what am i gonna do? so he was like yea i'm gonna call you tonight and well go out for dinner (!!!) .. so tonight i think were doing something.. so far he seems sweet, we'll see.

oh shit and sat. this fuckign bounder i always see. .. well, i know em all pulls me aside and hes like i dont want to offend you but i have to ask you a question..you were talking to another security guard and he just wanted to know if youre a mannnnn.. and i was like noooo.. and then he asks.. were you ever.. and i was like BRO i'll show you my pussy right now dude.. hahaha.. these fucks man.. so many transvesties go in there.. which i told him i'm aware of, that you can never tell who's who.. so i told the original security guy who was asking he ows me big time now if he ever sees me waiting in a like.. motherfucker.

all in all.. another amazing night at vinyl with all the realest coolest cats with the dopest illest music.. and that was it, history in the making, final party @ vinyl. and i wa fucking there thank god. my home is gone, but in my heart this shit will ast an eternity.

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