bobadrinker Posted August 11 Report Share Posted August 11 please forgive if I've posted this. I was probably in stage 1, going on to stage 2FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESSStage 1 - CLEVERThis is when you suddenly become an expert on everysubject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want topass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage youare always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is verywrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties areCLEVER.Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVEThis is when you realize that you are the mostATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can goup to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really wantto talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk tothis person about any subject under the sun.Stage 3 - RICHThis is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person inthe room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have abottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course youare still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn'tmatter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks foreveryone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the mostATTRACTIVE person present.Stage 4 - INVINCIBLEYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone andeveryone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. Thisis because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up tothe partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle ofwits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well asbeing INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVEthan they are anyway.Stage 5 - INVISIBLEThis is the final stage of drunkenness. At this pointyou can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on atable to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people inthe room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the samereason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You canwalk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no onecan see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all thewords.THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UPStage 1 - STUPIDAs you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy theheadache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you havelost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrateon anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so fora minimum of 12 hours.Stage 2 - UGLYNever entirely happy with the effects of the bathroommirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now becomeeven UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have youbloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking somuch that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunatelyyou are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave while shaking.Stage 3 - POORHaving crawled out of bed and got dressed you areabout to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to lastyou the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have noidea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow thepossibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point.Alternatively, your pocket could have been picked or you might have giventhe taxi driver $150 by mistake. Rationalizing that you couldn't possiblyhave been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come tobelieve that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all nightand start to loathe all your friends.Stage 4 - FRAGILEAs you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteemplummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feelliable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUSThis is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately,everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a greatdistance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery bymaking fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILEto hit them, too POOR to bribe them, and too UGLY to hide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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