Redneck New Year's Resolution List!

[digitalphoenix]

1. Stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by;

2. Give thanks that your Momma had "ammo" on her Christmas list;

3. Play with your Christmas stocking full of ammo;

4. Give thanks for your favorite Christmas present - a painting on black velvet;

5. Sign the neighbour’s petition over your Christmas lights;

6. Kiss your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party;

7. Siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck;

8. Icing - what you do to your front steps before your mother-in-law comes over;

9. Drink gas because you can run two and a half miles per hour faster;

10. Try to drown a fish;

11. Buy your jewelry at the hardware store;

12. Drink Labatt 50;

13. Knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom;

14. Go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home;

15. Yell to your Momma, "Hey, Aunt Betty!";

16. Create a hairstyle called "The Hat Line";

17. Have another can of your favourite meal – Spam;

18. Barbecue Spam on the grill;

19. Drive your pickup truck which has a bigger turning radius than your house;

20. Send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk;

21. Appreciate your wife howling at the moon more than your huntin' dogs;

22. Wear the same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations - and they're only twenty years old;

23. Go swimmin’ in the drainage ditch behind your house;

24. Cuss and refer to your wife, Mamma, aunt, and sister with one word;

25. Have your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner;

26. Be thankful that you have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend;

27. Mistake the offering plate for a spit can;

28. Go to church to pick up women;

29. Bring your dog with you to church;

30. Give thanks that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar;

31. Have some of that Franklin Mint breath freshener;

32. Wear your only tie - made of leather, silver and turquoise;

33. Buy a can of Mountain Dew to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in;

34. Have your house picked up every week;

35. Make bar-b-que a daily thing;

36. Visit your favourite room in your house - the Dark Side;

37. Practice doctorin' with Mamma's sewing kit and a jug;

38. Hold a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio;

39. Show ‘em your new breed of horse – your Ford Mustang;

40. Start a preference to sleep in the truck than in your house;

41. Stand in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature;

42. Break wind in public and blame it on your kid;

43. Valet park a snowplow;

44. Vacuum the sheets instead of washing them;

45. Get an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company;

46. Take reading material into an airplane restroom;

47. Pay for a 6-pack of beer with pennies;

48. Hang up some beautiful hubcap wind chimes for your neighbours;

49. Hang a Bud Light pool table light over your dining room table;

50. Make the strongest smell in your house butane;

51. Have your dog pass gas and claim it for yourself;

52. Try not to mistake your Aunt Betty for a man;

53. Find out where that Third World country “paprika†is;

54. Ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?";

55. Go to a stock car race without a program;

56. Make a bumper sticker that says, "My Momma's an honor student at the local junior highâ€;

57. Bake one of your favourite hors d'oeuvres - potted meat on a saltine;

58. Play the banjo in your high school band;

59. Show the neighbours your velvet paintings, bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway;

60. Buy some old hubcaps for your truck ‘cause you're using the new hubcaps to feed your hunting dogs;

61. Give thanks that more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general;

62. Try to find that fence around the stock market;

63. Read up on the O.J. trial that was just a big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test;

64. Take your boat for a run… it hasn’t left the driveway in 15 years;

65. Use lard in bed;

66. Buy a new telephone-cable-spool coffee table;

67. Keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table for important guests;

68. Pick your teeth from a catalog;

69. Finance a tattoo;

70. Refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in";

71. Have your hairdo ruined by a ceiling fan;

72. Have your Mamma get into a fist-fight at a high school sports event;

73. Own all the components of soap-on-a-rope except the soap;

74. Invent a new way to keep things cold - leave 'em in the shade;

75. Rake the leaves in your kitchen;

76. Have your kid calls your sister, “Mommaâ€;

77. Call up your brother-in-law - your uncle;

78. Have your entire family sit around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one;

79. Go to the family reunion to pick up women;

80. Try to determine the colour of your car – have someone remove the dirt;

81. Keep refusing to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture;

82. Buy a shirt that will cover your stomach;

83. Savor your only condiment on the dining room table - the economy size bottle of ketchup;

84. Make the rear doors on your car twice the size of your front ones;

85. Consider some deep reading – read "Outdoor Life";

86. Prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland;

87. Use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month;

88. Figure out why birds are attracted to your beard;

89. Proudly diplay the diploma hanging in your den, containing the words "Trucking Institute";

90. Borrow your Mamma’s spit cup, lying on the ironing board;

91. Be proud of your wife's job that requires her to wear an orange vest;

92. Wear a tube top to your next wedding;

93. Laugh at those bikers who back down from your Momma;

94. Be proud that you were shooting pool when your kids were born;

95. Reminisce about your favourite school fight song, "Dueling Banjos";

96. Play your favourite musical instrument – the chain saw;

97. Steal clothes from a scarecrow;

98. Support your major food groups: beef jerky and Moon Pies;

99. Shoot a deer from inside your house;

100. Have your Mamma greet your friends with "Howdy!", "HEY!", or "How Y'all Doin'?";

101. Be proud that you have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior;

102. Steal toilet paper from a public restroom;

103. Clean your nails with a stick;

104. Develop a preference for car keys to a Q-tip;

105. Figure out why people are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe;

106. Thank your father for encouraging you to quit school because Bubba has an opening on the lube rack;

107. Become a Doctor – you already know that a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy;

108. Use a toilet seat as a picture frame;

109. Be thankful that your home has more miles on it than your car;

110. Ain’t it great to have your Christmas tree still up in March!;

111. Get arrested for loitering;

112. Find the stuffed possums in your house;

113. Hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice;

114. Shoot anyone for looking at you;

115. Own a homemade fur coat;

116. Be proud that your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat;

117. Give thanks that you've totaled every car you've ever owned;

118. Make sure that there are more than five McDonald's bags on the floorboard of your car;

119. Have Momma teach you how to flip a cigarette;

120. Add some art to your living room – find a wasp nest;

121. Give thanks that the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice;

122. Give your Pappa a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday;

123. Show off the crime scene tape on your front door;

124. Burn your front yard rather than mow it;

125. Consider some high-quality entertainment - a six-pack and a bug-zapper;

126. Be proud that fewer than half of your cars run;

127. Get kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys;

128. Add some class to your car - taillight covers made of tape;

129. Add a full tank of gas to your car.

130. Give thanks that your kids were conceived in a car wash!;

131. Marvel at your Momma’s cuss fight with the principal;

132. Figure out that math problem called a subdivision;

133. Bathe with flea and tick soap;

134. Do a good deed for the month – hide your brother for a few days;

135. Show off your favorite T-shirt which is offensive in thirteen states;

136. Get involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog;

137. Become an expert on worm beds (or was that bed worms?);

138. Have the dog catcher call for a backup unit when he visits your house;

139. Be nice to your wife when she next says, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!";

140. Be proud that your family tree does not fork;

141. Display the flood history of the area on your living room walls;

142. Haul more than U-Haul;

143. Remember that day your Momma stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!";

144. Mount a gun rack on your bicycle;

145. Hold your wedding in the delivery room;

146. Double your soap on a rope as an air freshener;

147. Have your wife's hairdo attract bees;

148. Make your baby's first words, "Attention K-Mart shoppers";

149. Make the antenna on your truck a danger to low flying airplanes;

150. Have your primary source of income be the pawn shop;

151. Try to visit your relatives without getting mud on your tires;

152. Have your Mamma put on her shoes to go grocery shopping;

153. Get blacklisted by a bowling alley;

154. Purchase peroxide in a gallon container;

155. Disagree with those who think baseball players spit and scratch too much;

156. Go to a wedding reception at the Waffle House;

157. Have your dog bring home something that you cooked for dinner;

158. Owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income;

159. Catch bugs just so you can throw them in the bug zapper;

160. Get a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window;

161. Mow your lawn to find your car;

162. Spit without opening your mouth.

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