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One Liners

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What is the similarity between a woman and laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?

The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What do rednecks do for Halloween?

Pump kin!

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to

the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?"

Why was Snow White arrested at DisneyLand?

Because she was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face saying, 'Lie Bastard....Lie!'

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

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Why doesn't Santa Clause have any kids?

Cuz he only cums once a year, and it's down a fuckin' chimney.

What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her steering wheel?

She tried to blow her horn.

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