A little something to make you laugh!

[bennyblanco818]

THE PERFECT SOLUTION?

By AJ Kowalski

Tired of waiting endlessly in Parkway traffic on your way down the

shore?

If you're like most of us, there's a good chance you've spent countless

hours staring at the back of the same bumper, riding your brake and have

possibly developed a minor case of whiplash from the stop-and-go that

one encounters while attempting to arrive at the New Jersey Shore.

Travelers fear no more! I have the solution.

-- THE GUIDO EXPRESS LANE --

The proposed Guido Express Lane, or G.E.L., is structured identically to

the H.O.V. lanes introduced in the late 90's across much of NJ, NY and

PA.

The following requirements for access to the G.E.L. will apply to all

vehicle occupants:

Cut-off shirts or wife beaters must be worn at all times. If the vehicle

is a convertible, no shirts are allowed.

Capri pants must be worn. Addidas pants are acceptable only with

matching jackets and a Kangol hat.

All vehicle occupants must have identical haircuts - spiked all around

(including the back) or must have shaved heads. All sideburns must be

shaved to a point.

All body hair must be completely shaven.

All vehicles in the G.E.L. must be considered "exotic" or "luxury cars,"

but must be paid for by the driver's parents.

Vehicle must contain at least 13 pounds of fake silver bracelets and

necklaces.

Necklaces may only be loose enough to allow minimal breathing.

Should any member(s) of the vehicle fail to comply with any one of the

aforementioned requirements, said member(s) will receive a two-month

suspension from Joey's in Clifton and Tempts.

In addition to the obvious ecological benefits, the proposed G.E.L.

would also provide the following free of charge:

Upon entering the G.E.L., the vehicle's radio would automatically be

tuned to a satellite feed of "What is Love" by Haddaway or "Louder Than

Love"

by TKA. (Driver preference)

The center divider would be lined with Sunburst Ultra Sun 4000 series

tanning lamps which would run 24 hours a day to ensure a perfect

pre-beach/club complexion. To become a G.E.L. member, you must be

Italian (or try really hard to look Italian) and test positive for

steroids.

So the next time you're at a dead stop at exit 143 for two hours, take a

minute and think how much you would appreciate a G.E.L. I, and all the

Tri-State area guidos, am counting on your support!