back2basics Posted December 1 Report Share Posted December 1 A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20."The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!"The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?"The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?" ---------------------------------------------A woman was complaining about how the "time of the month" made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal," she said.This guy overhearing her said, "That's funny... usually when I have the munchies, it's home-grown-al." ---------------------------------------------A smugglers' boat was sighted by the Coast Guard. They dumped all their pot overboard, and it washed up on an island populated by sea gulls, terns and other sea birds. In a couple of days all over the island... there wasn't... a tern unstoned. --------------------------------------------A stoner called the fire department and said "Come quick my house is on fire!" The fireman asked "How do we get there?" The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!" -------------------------------------------This is a story to tell someone when they're high.Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good Friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.Late one night in the middle of the day, two dead soldiers got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, pulled out their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, got up and shot the twice dead boys. If you don't believe me, ask the blind man who saw it all, through a knothole in a wooden brick wall. -------------------------------------------Q. What do you call a fly without wings?A. A walk.Q. Have you heard about the guy who put the condom on backwards?A. He went. ---------------------------------------------Q. Why is pot better then beer?A. Because beer only made Bud wiser, but pot gave sense-t-millions. ---------------------------------------------These two stoners walk into a sports bar, and are stopped by two health nuts drinking protein shakes. One nut says "How could you smoke that filthy shit? Why not try playing some sports for a change?" The other health nut says, "Yeah!"One stoner says, "We do play sports. Ever played weed football?" The health nuts, interested in dominating any sport, say, "No, but we will beat you at it anyway." The other stoner explains the rules: "The first thing you do is take a 4-feet bong rip of weed, second thing is run across the bar and back. That is 6 points. The field goal is when you pass the pipe and pull down your pants, then blow the hit out of your ass. That's how you play. Any questions?" The health nuts agree to play.The first stoner gets up, takes a huge 4-foot bong rip, trots around the bar, and says, "Touchdown! 6 points." Pulls down his pants, farts the rip and says "7-0."The first health nut gets up and takes some baby hits, sprints the bar, and says, "Touchdown!" He then farts the hit through his spandex shorts and says "7-7, bitch!"The second stoner gets up and takes a giant hit, runs the bar, passes the 4-foot bong, pulls down his pants, and end's up shitting on the bar. The first health nut yells, "No good! 13-7!"The second health nut gets up and takes a much larger bong hit than the two stoners combined, catapults across the bar and passes the bong. He then yells, "Touchdown! 13-13!" Then he pulls down his pants to fart the hit, but has trouble farting the hit and starts to grunt. The stoners then take the bong and ram it up his ass and chant, "BLOCK THAT KICK! BLOCK THAT KICK!" --------------------------------------------There's a horny hippie on a bus which only has one other passenger on it, an elderly nun from a local parish. The hippie is so in need of some free love that he approaches the nun and propositions her. Shocked that he would even think to ask her such a question, the nun pulls the line above her head and gets off the bus. Once she is gone, the bus driver calls the hippie over to him."Hey buddy, I know how you can get the nun to have sex with you."The hippie, excited by this asks how."Every night at midnight that same sister goes to the cemetery and prays by the statue of Saint Peter. If you dress up as God and appear to her there she'll do anything you want!"So the hippie gets a nifty god costume together and goes to the cemetery at midnight. Sure enough the sister is there, praying. He hides behind the statue and jumps out, saying "Sister, I am your God and I choose you to have sex with me." The nun agrees, but asks if they can have anal sex so she can retain her virginity. The hippie, who is of the mindset that sex is sex, quickly agrees and does the deed. When he's finished he's so proud of himself that he stands up, rips off his costume and screams "HAHA! I'm the hippie from the bus!!!!"The nun stands, rips her habit from her head and screams "HAHA!!! I'm the bus driver!!!!" ---------------------------------------------Q. What do you do when you see a space man?A. Park in it man!! ---------------------------------------------Three hippies are sitting around smoking a joint. One says, "I am going to go take a bath."He goes upstairs to the bathroom, fills up the bathtub, starts to get in the bathtub and then stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Hmmmmm, am I getting in or am I getting out?" So he sits there and thinks about it.The second one says, "Well, he's been up there for awhile, I better go check on him." When he gets halfway upstairs he stops for a moment, and thinks to himself, "Am I going upstairs or am I going downstairs?" He stays there and thinks about it.The third guy says, "I hope I never get blasted as much as those two, knock on wood!" So he knocks on the table and says, "Was that the front door or the back door?" -------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copleyc Posted December 1 Report Share Posted December 1 BOOM BOOM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
back2basics Posted December 1 Author Report Share Posted December 1 Originally posted by dirtyslapper: BOOM BOOMMy hero.... talking about UYB, Basil knows something about that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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