Right wing jokes

[destruction]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.' Because I'm not a liberal Democrat.''Then,' asks the teacher, 'What are you?''Why I'm a proud conservative Republican,' boasts the little girl.The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why sheis a conservative Republican.'Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.'The teacher, now angry, loudly says, 'That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?'She pauses, and lets out a smile. 'Then,' Lucy says, 'I'd be a liberal Democrat.'

Kerry calls up Bush and says, "Hey, let's settle this Australian Style."

Bush asks, "How's that?"

Kerry says, "First you stand there, and I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can." Then it's your turn. Whoever quits first is the loser.

Bush says, "OK, stands there," and is completely knocked over by Kerry.

After 10 minutes, Bush stands up, and groans, "Alright, my turn."

Kerry then replies, "It's all right, you can be president."

"President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas." —Jay Leno

Republican Beliefs

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's drunk driving record and cocaine arrest are none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

Clinton's business interests in the 1970s in which he lost money are of vital national interest, but Bush's activities in the 1980s in which he made money under questionable circumstances is un-important.

Republican National Convention Schedule

06:00 pm - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

06:30 pm - Pledge of Allegiance

06:35 pm - Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)

06:45 pm - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

06:46 pm - Seminar #1: "Getting your kid a military deferment"

07:30 pm - First Presidential Beer Bash for Bush

07:35 pm - Serve Freedom Fries

07:40 pm - EPA Address #1: "Mercury: how to ignore the 14 states litigating against the U.S. government"

07:50 pm - William Safire on the dangers of non-Protestant religion

08:00 pm - Vote on which country to invade next

08:05 pm - Trent Lott recognizes/salutes the KKK contingent

08:10 pm - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

08:15 pm - John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos are after your children"

08:30 pm - Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)

08:50 pm - Seminar #2: "Corporations: the government of the future"

09:00 pm - Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

09:05 pm - Second Presidential Beer Bash for Bush

09:10 pm - EPA Address #2:" Trees: the real cause of forest fires"

09:15 pm - Roundtable discussion on the best way to bankrupt the federal government.

09:30 pm - Break for secret meetings

09:35 pm - Dick Cheney on why we must invade Canada and find their weapons of mass destruction.

10:00 pm - Second prayer led by Pat Robertson

10:15 pm - Lecture by Karl Rove: "Doublespeak made easy"

10:30 pm - Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho

10:35 pm - Bush demonstration of his trademark "deer in the headlights" stare

10:40 pm - John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt

10:45 pm - Clarence Thomas takes a minute to read the list of black republicans

10:46 pm - Third Presidential Beer Bash for Bush

10:50 pm - Seminar #3: "Education: a drain on our nation's economy"

11:10 pm - Hillary Clinton Piñata

11:20 pm - Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: "Evolutionists -- the dangerous new cult"

11:30 pm - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 pm - Blame Clinton

11:40 pm - Laura serves milk and cookies

11:45 pm - Pass the hat for the "Kenny Lay Defense Fund"

11:50 pm - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 am - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Leader