~Official Joke Thread~

[rachel1997]

~POST ONLY JOKES HERE~

I'll start:

Sex in the Dark......

There was this couple that were married for 20

years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on

shutting off the lights. Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid.

She

figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night,while they

were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the

lights. She looked down

and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets

completely upset.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me

all of these years. You had better explain yourself!" The husband looks her

straight in the

eyes and says,calmly...

"I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."

Three guys, a Canadian, a Syrian and an

Israeli are out walking together one day.

They come across a bottle and a Genie

pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile

in Canada."

> > With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POUF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

The Syrian was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Syria, so that

no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,

'POUF' there was a huge wall around

Syria.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 200 feet high, 100 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."

Izzy says, ... "Fill it up with water."

------------------

This genie grants 3 wishes... Hey I'm not sharing! He's all MINE!

[budman69]

Rachel1997 I would like to thank you for squeezing my balls.

[rachel1997]

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his

house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the

mud,

with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The

door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been

knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front

room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was

strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes

filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was

spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small

pile

of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs,

stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He

was

worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found

her

lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading

a

novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He

looked

at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled

and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me

what in the world did I do today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply.

"Well, today I didn't do it."

------------------

This genie grants 3 wishes... Hey I'm not sharing! He's all MINE!

[budman69]

Rachel1997 I would like to thank you for squeezing my balls.

[quanto_magnus]

Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became

frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear,

turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

------------------

Hugh

a.k.a. ibhugh, Bryan Adams

email: ibhugh@yahoo.com

aolim: hugesk8r

[rachel1997]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and

engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them

ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized

when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I

come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and

pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this

country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend

howa to spella Mississippi."

------------------

This genie grants 3 wishes... Hey I'm not sharing! He's all MINE!

[quanto_magnus]

HOLY WATER

3 nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior tells

the 3 nuns before they can receive their saint name, they had one

final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not

have urges to be bad...

After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says, "Did you commit

your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first 2 nuns are

crying, the 3rd is giggling. The mother superior says to the first

one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first nun answers with

tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from

someone's garden." The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water

and it will be all right."

The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter.

The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole body is shaking and

she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The mother superior says,

"My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven."

The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing.

The mother superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing

at?" The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of

laughter, "I peed in the Holy water."

------------------

Hugh

a.k.a. ibhugh, Bryan Adams

email: ibhugh@yahoo.com

aolim: hugesk8r

[quanto_magnus]

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it

home and return the next day with a sample.

The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened.

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, both with and without her teeth... and still

nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but...still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

------------------

Hugh

a.k.a. ibhugh, Bryan Adams

email: ibhugh@yahoo.com

aolim: hugesk8r

[rachel1997]

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a checkup.

> The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three

times

> a week.

> She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."

> The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband

> that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. The 80 year old

husband

> replies, "Which days?" The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday

and

> Friday." The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but

on

> Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

------------------

This genie grants 3 wishes... Hey I'm not sharing! He's all MINE!

[NJMIKE]

A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a women in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who kep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard sittin' on your knee.!"

[quanto_magnus]

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are

on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing,"says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out.

It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him

what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its

because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's

because you're twenty-three"

------------------

Hugh

a.k.a. ibhugh, Bryan Adams

email: ibhugh@yahoo.com

aolim: hugesk8r

[quanto_magnus]

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to

herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she

had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the

time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited

to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her

and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still

affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like

a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded

her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air

a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologising for taking so long,

he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and was she surprised!!! There were twelve dinner

guests around the table to wish her a happy birthday!!

------------------

Hugh

a.k.a. ibhugh, Bryan Adams

email: ibhugh@yahoo.com

aolim: hugesk8r

[lolly]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

[frodo]

They asked a man from Balkan

would he rather sleap with

most beautiful girl once

or with ugliest twice?

he answered beauty is beauty

but TWICE IS TWICE

[cubano43]

Subject: The Mistress

>

>

>A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this

>absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the

>husband

>a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

>His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"

>"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last

>straw," says the wife. "I've had ?enough, I want a divorce."

>"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but ?remember, if we get a

>divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in

>Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the

>garage and no more yacht club.?But the decision is yours."

>Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on

>his

>arm.

>"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

>"That's his mistress," says her husband.

>?"Ours is prettier," she replies

[Unbound]

here's my all time fav classic

whats the best part of a blow job?

5 minutes of silence

(i claim the prize for shortest joke on the thred)

------------------

AIM: ZUinc2000

E-Mail: ZUinc99@aol.com

[shadowchaser]

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake was maintaining a vigil

by her side. He held her fragile hand; tears ran down his face. His

praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips

began to move slightly.

"My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh.... don't talk."

She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess, " replied the weeping Jake."Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"I know", answered Jake, "that's why I poisoned you, bitch" .

------------------

maybe someday is when it all stops or maybe someday always comes again...

shadowchaser076@aol.com

[mareluna]

The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from the Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of gayness." His reasoning is because the character is purple (a "gay" color), has an antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol), and he carries a purse. However, as I see it, Falwell's work is far from over.

FRED FLINTSTONE

Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-Toes," the show's theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have a gay old time," he wears a little orange dress with triangles on it, and he hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.

BUGS BUNNY

Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag, and he loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting, speaks with an obvious lisp.

VELMA (of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she sports an obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is always wearing a thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks, and she never once attempted to shag Shaggy.

POPEYE

Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though he hasn't been on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor dances, dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl, and his best friend is named Wimpy.

BATMAN & ROBIN

Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder," Batman's real name is "Bruce," they both wear tights, and they both in great shape.

PEPPERMINT PATTY

Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants and not dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls, she plays a mean game of football, she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie, she always wears comfortable shoes, and her nickname is "Sir."

PINK PANTHER:

Enough said.

------------------

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."

[su]

warning: completely tasteless

it's april 1st. a man is carrying around a beeper because his wife is pregnant and expecting a baby any time now. the man's at work when all of the sudden, he gets beeped. it's his wife and she's in labor and going to the hospital. overcome with excitement, the man dropped everything at work and rushed to the hospital. he bursted through the doors looking for his wife. the nurses pointed him to the delivery room. he walks in and sees his wife sleeping. a nurse is standing in the corner of the room holding a baby.

"he's your baby mr. smith, it's a girl" said the nurse.

overcome with enjoyment, mr. smith went to hold his newborn baby but with all the adrenaline pumping through his body, he dropped the baby immediately, right on her head.

"oh my god, oh my god" mr. smith exclaimed.

he goes down to pick up the baby and notices that she's not breathing.

"oh my god, i killed the baby, my newborn is dead"

the nurse takes the baby from mr. smith, puts her hand on his shoulder, and says: "ha ha, april fools. she was already dead!"

------------------

su

be good - or else, be good at it...

[rachel1997]

Joke for Tuesday, December 12th

YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T WANT TO HEAR THIS...

- Submitted by Larry Orosco

____________________________________________

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you

will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the

wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that

a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the

wing will remain attached to the fuselage.

If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is

flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are

your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself.

This has been a recorded announcement."

------------------

This genie grants 3 wishes... Hey I'm not sharing! He's all MINE!

[rachel1997]

A blonde was staring dumbfounded at a rushing

river blocking her path. As she wondered how to cross,

she saw another blonde on the other side. She yelled "Hey,

can you help me get to the other side?" The other blonde

replied, "You ARE on the other side!!!!"

------------------

This genie grants 3 wishes... Hey I'm not sharing! He's all MINE!

[gravity]

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a Case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, Sir, I got a suit. I wear it to Church on Sundays."

The attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up about 4:30."

The attorney then said, "Well is she a big nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal. But our last child was a nagger, and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office for some tests.

The doctor comes back and says, "Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Frank is devastated. "Doc, what

can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in

hotsauce,10 jalapenos peppers, 40 walnuts, 1 box of Grapenuts, and top it off with a

gallon of prune juice".

Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it will teach you what your ass is for."

------------------

"The world is a better place because of those who refuse to believe they can't

fly."

[dontshow]

"A YOUNG BOYS VISIT TO THE MALL SANTA...."

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I

know what

you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps

the boys

nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have

enough

toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with

every letter,

"C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I

have all

kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,

"P-U-S-S-Y,

and don't tell me you don't have any because I can

smell it on

your finger!"

[XTC1001]

A pregnant woman walked into a doctor's office

>to have an ultrasound. The doctor told her

>that she is going to have a little girl. He

>then asked her what she will name her daughter.

>She said, Shenequa. He asked her, 'Do you have

>any other children?' She said, 'Five other

>daughters, and their names are also Shenequa.

>At that point the doctor asked, 'How do you

>call them all home for dinner?' She replied,

>'That's easy I just yell, 'Shenequa, supper!'

>and they all come home.' He then asked, 'What

>if your going somewhere?' She said, 'That's

>easy too, I just say 'Shenequa lets go!' and they

>all come running.' He questioned her again,

>'What if you only want to speak with one

>of them?' 'Well then I just call them by their

>last name.'

------------------

Howz Ya BOX?

Like a Biskit....

All Gone The chemical molecules that make up Ectasy

[str8upme]

Q. How do you piss your girlfriend off twice?

A. Fuck her up the ass, and wipe it on the curtains.

Q. What do you call a hundred black people fucking eachother up the ass?

A. Soul Train!!!