jokes & tidbits to brighten your day!

[lavkrap]

Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Made them cute. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says, "You know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own apartment."

-- Cathy Ladman

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It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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If my parents lived with me now, I'd get even. I'd make them sleep in separate bedrooms. My mother would say, "What? Are

you crazy? I've been sleeping with this man for years." I'd say, "Look, I don't care what you do on the outside. But when you're in my house..."

-- Elayne Boosler

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Between the ages of 30 and 70, you nose may lengthen and widen by as much as half an inch. That explains that old saying, "you're not getting older, you're getting nosier."

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things to see, people to do... hehe

[shadowchaser]

Thanks Lavkrap

I've got some too:

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have

produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is

produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

4. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a

pig!)

5. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still

not over that pig thing!)

6. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(You mean the pigs don't enjoy it?)

7. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

8. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

9. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

10. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

11. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

(Lucky we don't have to do that much anymore.)

12. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a

poisonous spider.

13. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than

left-handed people do.

14. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies,

including their eyebrows and eyelashes. (Too much time on their hands)

15. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

16. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own

weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

17. Polar bears are left handed.

18. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds; that makes the catfish rank

#1 for animal having the most taste buds.

19. The flea can jump 350 times its body length, it's like a human

jumping the length of a football field.

20. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves

to death. (Creepy!)

21. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached

to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

(Honey, I'm home.. what the...)

22. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want

to be a pig...quality over quantity!)

23. Butterflies taste with their feet.

24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

25. A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

26. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

27. Starfishes haven't got brains.

28. After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

What I've learned..................

I've learned - that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned - that no matter how much I care, some people are just

assholes.

I've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are

more fucked up than you think.

I've learned - that you can keep puking long after you think you 're

finished.

I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when

you're down, will be the ones who do.

I've learned - that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their

dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children, they

will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned - that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a

matter of hours.

I've learned - that the people you care most about in life are taken from

you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

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"Dance to the beat, jump from my feet."

shadowchaser076@aol.com

[lavkrap]

4. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a

pig!)

WoW!!

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things to see, people to do... hehe