the state of ESPN

[bxbomb]

pretty good and spot on read about espn

little long but worth it

Chapter One: Take Me to Your Leader

From slo-pitch softball to Monday Night Football: a brief history and the Disneyfication of The Leader.

Here's the thing about ESPN: for a sports fan, it's still the greatest thing since the invention of the inflatable ball, and, no, I don't think that's overstating it. ESPN changed almost everything about sports- not all for the better, but I think the sum total of the Worldwide Leader's contributions is overwhelmingly positive. That's why it's so frustrating to watch what has happened (and is still happening) to it since being acquired by Disney in 1996 as a part of its purchase of ABC (ABC acquired ESPN from it's original investors, Getty Oil, in 1984).

Now, I don't want to get into the full history of ESPN. If you care about that shit, there are several mediocre books about it. However, I think a little background info is important to the point. So in this chapter of the mammoth ESPN Vicious Beating, I want to look at what made ESPN great, and where it all went wrong.

In 1979, the only place to get sports highlights was the two-minute sports update crammed between the mind numbing asshole-parade that is the local news. If you had the constitution to sit through stories about obese widows who collect sewing machines or wind chimes, you were treated to thirty-seconds of your local team's highlights, a minute of some asshole with nice hair reading the day's trade rumors, and maybe another thirty-seconds of a scoreboard graphic before they teased the weather and went to a commercial for the new Plymouth Horizon. In the morning, you could get a more comprehensive wrap up of the prior day's events, as well as "expert" commentary from sports writers, on the sports page of your newspaper. If you were on the East Coast and wanted a score from out West late on a Friday night, you cooled your heels until the Sunday paper showed up on the doorstep. Saturdays were for ABC's Wide World of Sports, where you didn't get scores and highlights from last night's West Coast games, but you did get plenty of South African men dragging Renaults.

In September of that year, Scott Rasmussen and his father Bill, launched a little cable network called ESPN. At the time, most people thought a 24-hour sports network was a joke, and initially it was. Their flagship sports news program, "SportsCenter," was surrounded by decidedly low interest events like bowling, women's slo-pitch softball, Davis Cup tennis, sailing, and even highly questionable "sports" like cockfighting and professional wrestling.

In 1980, ESPN began showing the opening-round games of the NCAA Tournament. The Tourney, not then the eagerly-anticipated spectacle it is now, was looking for a nationwide cable platform on which to showcase its expanded 48-team field. The Network was just looking for programming. If it was a marriage of convenience at first, it blossomed into true love soon enough. Thanks to the lens of ESPN, cable audiences were introduced to the supreme drama of the Tournament's opening weekend, and a new term was coined in the sports lexicon- March Madness.

Seven years later, with the help of their new parent company ABC, ESPN made a deal with the NFL, and Sunday Night Football was born. If the pact with the NCAA Tournament signaled ESPN as an up-and-comer, the agreement with the NFL meant arrival in the establishment. This was the deal that took them from special interest network to cable powerhouse. At that same time, program director John Walsh (not the "America's Most Wanted" Guy) was working to make ESPN respected journalistically.

From 1987 to 1996 ESPN could do no wrong. Far from the cockfights and slo-pitch softball of the fledgling years, the network now carried virtually all of the major sports- college football and basketball, Major League Baseball, the NHL, and the National Football League. And they there was "SportsCenter." With Dan Patrick and Keith Oberman (more on the SC anchors next time) acting as the go to anchors, the Da-na-na. Da-na-na. of the jingle made every sports fan's heart race. It was during this Golden Age that the exact mix of reverence and fun was perfected in the tone of their coverage. While diehard sports fans love sports and take it very seriously, it's still a game, and it's supposed to be fun. ESPN, and SportsCenter specifically, got it right. The little cable network out of Bristol, Connecticut, was now every sports fan's dream come true.

Better times...

But in 1996, a terrible thing happened: the Walt Disney Company purchased ABC. Then CEO Michael Eisner called ESPN "the crown jewel" of the ABC deal.

At first, the decline wasn't particularly noticeable. There were little things: they started bleeping non-swear words like "God" and "ass" from interviews and press conferences, more "uplifting" human interest stories about handicapped kids playing soccer crept into SportsCenter. Then the network in general became increasingly, and at times painfully, concerned with political correctness. It began to undermine the formerly perfect character of The Leader.

Apparently, someone at Disney forgot that people watch sports to escape from the annoying bullshit in real life, not to have race issues, gender bias, homophobia, and fake media outrage thrust in their faces. Do those things deserve attention? Of course, but not as much as is given, and certainly not on the sports channel. These are issues for the real news, real news people on a serious platform. How are we supposed to take Stewart Scott seriously when does a piece about a female college football player getting sexually assaulted and the ramifications of sexism in college sports when two minutes prior he was quoting Wu-Tang Clan lyrics? It's absurd.

And speaking of unwatchable hacks, the expansion of ESPN from one network to four (plus ESPNU, Deportes, the Magazine, ESPN.com, and more) caused an extreme dilution of talent, not to mention that recent years have seen the departure of Craig Kilborn and Keith Oberman, the semi-retirement of Dan Patrick and Kenny Mayne, and the early onset dementia of Chris Berman. But, I'll get more into the decline in talent next time...

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Chapter Two: A Firm Anchor in Nonsense

From Dan Patrick to Stewart Scott: the catastrophic decline in talent.

There was a time when you could turn on ESPN and see sports coverage without mindless idiots waxing moronic with overused, annoying, nonsensical catch phrases and sensationalistic, ill-informed contrarianism, or worse- mumble-mouthed former pros who can't even read from a goddamn teleprompter. There was a time when the on air "talent" was actually talented- or at least competent.

Dan Patrick, Keith Olbermann, Craig Kilborn, Rich Eisen, and Charley Steiner- the literal and figurative anchors during The Golden Age- are gone. Of that mid-90s powerhouse staff, only Kenny Mayne (who just recently returned and is only signed on to do 50 shows in '07), Rece Davis, Steve Levy, Karl Ravech, Linda Cohen and Chris Berman remain in regular rotation. It's like how John and George are dead, and we are left with Paul and Ringo. It's proof that God, and in this case Disney, hates us.

Here's the real issue: Patrick, Olbermann, Kilborn, and to a lesser extend Kenny Mayne made names for themselves on SportsCenter with their personalities. They were funny, knowledgeable, and charismatic. They made "SportsCenter" fun, and they made it look easy. What they didn't do was make themselves more important than the coverage. The catch phrases were funny and new. You felt like they were trying to one up each other, make the other guy laugh. It felt organic. The "personalities" that have followed poorly ape what those guys did, and it sucks. New flash Stu: no one tunes in to see you or hear your terrible jokes. A 40-year-old Cyclops in a suit saying "Boo-yeah" isn't clever. It's fucking obnoxious- especially the 100,000th time you hear it.

I literally think a pair of dice could have made better talent choices than ESPN has made over the past ten years. With all the channels, seasonal programs, panel shows, and "expert" commentary, I could spend a dozen columns looking at each of the "personalities" on The Leader, but I'm going to limit myself to the worst of the worst.

Stuart Scott

Let's get this one out of the way. Stuart Scott is the personification of everything that is wrong with ESPN and with Disney in general. He's a pompous, arrogant, obnoxious, self-righteous, shameless, soulless corporate shill, a third-rate plagiarist of original, talented men who came before him, a sell-out pillaging his own culture for credibility and profit, an absolutely despicable whore whose only skill is entertaining the lowest common denominator with hack attempts at comedy, thinly veiled moral posturing, and his proximity to real talent.

Dick Vitale

Dick Vitale is an embarrassment. He is a cartoon character. Between his unbearable catch phrases, constant yelling, shamless Duke/ACC bias, I have no idea how he's stuck around for almost 30 years. Despite an almost universal hatred for Dickie V and Duke outside of Durham, ESPN has extended his contract through the 2012-2013 season. I guess we can just hope he dies. And soon.

Desmond Howard

Exposed as a top draft pick in the NFL, Howard was exposed again in the broadcasting game when he earnestly broke down, in his choppy, repetitive version of English, a Cal-Texas 2006 Holiday Bowl match-up that existed only in his feeble imagination. If we were UM grads, we'd be mortified that the marble-mouthed Howard is the de facto spokesman for our university on the Worldwide Leader.

Skip Bayless

I hate to even give this guy a moment's thought. Jesse has dubbed him The Professional Hater. He hates Allen Iverson, the 70's Cowboys, LeBron James, the '02 Buckeyes, the '01 Patriots, beer, candy, smiles, apple pie, and fireworks. He hates whatever will get him attention because he doesn't have an original thought in his head. He's just a sensationalistic contrarian hack. He also hates doing research as proven by endless factual distortions, errors, and ridiculous predictions. Most recently, he went on Jim Rome's terrible show and slandered former University of Illinois basketball star Eddie Johnson, confusing him for another Eddie Johnson who had been arrested on child molestation charges. Johnson later named Skippy in a lawsuit which was settled for an undisclosed amount. How he didn't get fired for that, I have no idea.

Mel Kiper Jr.

You have to have some respect for a guy who can continue to get paid for being terrible at his job. No one at ESPN is more consistently wrong than Kiper. It's remarkable really. Not to mention that he looks like an extra from the taxi stand in Goodfellas.

Jim Rome

I know this one is going to be divisive, but Jim Rome is a tool. There's no way around it. This is a guy who instigated a fight with Jim Everett, a guy who came on his show in good faith as a guest, and Rome got his shit handed to him on live television. Now he has a show with the worst name ever, "Jim Rome is Burning", that is all about his "in-your-face" moral posturing. Please. You're a scumbag, Jim. Your show is for insecure teenage pussies who mimic your tough guy attitude and repeat your idiotic "takes" verbatum on sports message boards.

Ron Franklin

Owner of one of the richest Southern accents on television, Franklin, the ex-radio voice of the Houston Oilers, is so old school you'll want to break out the mint juleps, dust off the Confederate flag, and push for the re-institution of sharecropping just from hearing his mellifluous tones. He did a solid for the man's world when he patronized built-for-comfort sideline-girl Holly Rowe in 2005: in response to Rowe opining that a team's coaching staff was giving up late in a game, Franklin intoned, "Holly, it's not giving up. It's 49-21, sweetheart." Wack!

Scoop Jackson

I'll let Jason Whitlock, former Page 2 columnist and no stranger to writing about race in sports, take this one for me: "Scoop is a clown. And the publishing of his fake ghetto posturing is an insult to black intelligence, and it interferes with intelligent discussion of important racial issues." In another hilariously backwards move by The Leader, Whitlock was fired from Page 2 for that comment. Keep the race-baiting, marginally talented hack; fire the very smart, very talented guy who rightly criticized him. Brilliant.

Lou Holtz

Note to the Worldwide Leader: when hiring a college football analyst, make sure he, a.) doesn't have a speech impediment, and b.) doesn't automatically pick a team he once coached to win, no matter how lopsided the result. We're waiting for this exchange:

Rece: "USC and William & Mary. Coach?"

Lou: "Well guys... William & Mary is going to win. And I'm uh-tell you why."

Michael Irvin

Retired athletes are rarely good. Nine times out of ten they are only there for name recognition. They almost never provide any real insight, most aren't very well spoken, and some can't even seem to read at 5th grade level. Irvin is pretty well spoken, and he seems to be able to read. The problem is he's a despicable human being. Why, out of all the retired players out there, would you hire Irvin? I'm not sure Michael Irvin has ever made a good decision in his life, and you are surprised when he gets arrested with a crack pipe or makes a silly racial comment? Unbelievable. More unbelievable, he still has his job.

Joe Morgan

The Big Red Machine was a great team. We all know, Joe. You can stop bringing it up. It also might be helpful if you knew which pitches were which, had a loose grasp on the Major League strike zone, and let facts shape your opinions.

Chris Berman

I'm not sure who told Chris Berman he was funny, but whoever it was should be drawn and quartered. Here's a list of some Chris's hilarious nicknames:

Pat "Side" Burns

Jeff Conine "the Barbarian"

Steve "Detroit" Lyons

Gary Sheffield "of Dreams"

Sammy "Say it Ain't" Sosa

He's totally unwatchable at this point. All he does is make sound effects and make up the least creative nicknames of all-time. Unfortunately for us, they will never get rid of him. He's been there forever.

Nick Lachey

Need more proof that ESPN doesn't give a fuck about real sports fans? How about when Nick Lachey joined College Gameday?

John Clayton

John Clayton is actually a good football analyst, but he's terrifying. Just make him write. This falls into the same category as commentators that can't speak. There are really only three requirements for being a TV sports personality: know your beat, be able to speak on camera, and don't make babies cry with your hideous mug. It is TV, after all. I don't want to look at that guy's horrific head. I'm sorry, but every time I see him I can't help image his mother's vagina being ripped to shreds during his birth. And the hairline... Sweet Jesus.

Jeremy Schaap

Callow, afflicted with terminal head-bob, and insufferably self-righteous, Jeremy in his nepotistic background makes George W. Bush look like the model of a self-made man. Bobby Knight had it right: He has a lot to learn from his father. At this point, it's doubtful he will.

Lee Corso

Corso is ESPN's football version of Dick Vitale- the unsuccessful former coach-turned-comic relief. As a coach, he had the habit of landing at basketball schools like Louisville and Indiana; as an analyst, he has the habit of invariably going wrong in his pre-game prediction/donning of the headgear. It's bad enough that he calls other men "Sweetheart." Its worse that he's consistently wrong in pretty much everything he says.

Steven A. Smith

Steven A. Smith is Walt Disney's Uncle Remus of the 21st Century. He's the most racist stereotype on television- an ignorant, loud, obnoxious black man all dressed up so he shuck and jive. They might as well put him in a clown suit and black face. "I yell everything I say, load it with street slang, cry racism at every opportunity, and most of my opinions are either absurdly simplistic or make no fucking sense!"

*****

CHAPTER 3

Chapter Three: Synergy is Just Another Word for Greed

From NHL to NASCAR to AFL to Ali Rap: we're fans of whatever makes Disney money

I knew ahead of time that this would be the most difficult chapter to keep interesting. I don't want to turn this into a timeline of fan-screwing programming decisions, or worse, a political rant about media consolidation (as if anyone gives a shit about my opinion on economics). Suffice it to say, post-Disney-buyout ESPN has been much more concerned about synergistic (read: greedy) corporate interests than with giving their customers what they want.

So instead, I've decided to write a petition to ESPN to address this issue. Since the Mouse master seems to have no idea why ESPN became popular or what its fans want to watch, I figure our only recourse is to let them know what we, the average American sport fans, want. I know they don't care, but maybe if we can get a enough people to sign it, someone in Bristol will at least read it.

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ESPN

ESPN Plaza

Bristol, CT 06010

I am the average American Sports Fan. I love Professional Football, College Football, Major League Baseball, Professional Basketball, and the NCAA Tournament. Sometimes I enjoy Hockey, NASCAR, The Olympics, and a few other sports, but I'd trade any one of those wholesale for a single championship by the [insert favorite major sports team].

I used to love ESPN, but I have grown tired of being taken for granted. I know you are a business and I don't expect you to cater to my tastes personally, but I will no longer sit silently while you destroy the one good and fair thing in this world: sports.

I know you don't care what I think, but at least now you won't be able to say you don't know.

Stop the tabloid journalism. I know you think it's great because ratings went up when Kobe got arrested for rape, Ron Artest went into the crowd, Pacman Jones made it rain, et al., but it's irresponsible, dishonest, and it's ruining sports. These athletes aren't role models for anything other than how to play a game. You vilify twenty-year-olds for making bad choices because they are celebrities that children look up to, but the fact is you made them celebrities. You build them up so you can tear them down to the applause of the worst in us. If you would act responsibly and just cover athletic accomplishments, perhaps the kids watching could see the difference between a good player and a good man.

Sensationalism and exploitation are the lowest form of entertainment, and have no place next to the greatness that is sports. They belong in supermarket checkout lines for old, fat housewives who are too stupid and lazy to do anything aside from gestate more useless apes in their stretch-marked gunts and gossip about people who have actually accomplished something. I don't care about athletes' personal lives. I don't care about their "character issues". I don't care if they are dating Eva Longoria. I don't care if they are racist, homophobic, or illiterate. So quit being celebrity pimps and stick to covering sports.

On a related note…

Stop with the race baiting and social commentary. I know racial bigotry has been the biggest social issue of the past 70 years, and will probably continue to be for the rest of my life. It's an unfortunate, depressing reality that frustrates anyone with half a brain. It is exactly the kind of thing I watch sports to forget.

I watch sports because, unlike life, success in sports is based on merit, talent, skill, dedication, execution, and focus, not nepotism, sex, race, money, or physical beauty. Sports are fair. Sports are just. Sports are good. Stop ruining it with stories about how ignorant and hateful most of the other people on the planet are. I know. I just want a precious few moments a day where I'm not being sucked into the vacuum that is humanity's despair.

Stop covering the WNBA. I don't care about the WNBA. I never cared about the WNBA. I will never, ever, never, never, ever care about the WNBA. I would have thought that after five years of impossibly low ratings, you would get the picture. Do you think we just don't know when it's on? Trust me that is not the issue. No one wants to watch. I bet even the players would rather be left in the stable with their oat bags than trotted out on the court to further defile the game of basketball. Title IX does not apply to you. It's time to put this animal down.

Stop trying to pass off commercials as programming, or worse, news. I know the only reason you put shit like "Ali: Rap" on the air is because you are publishing the book. But that was only half as reprehensible as the John Amechi coming out (with a book) coverage. That was covered like it was news with no disclaimer about your conflict of interest being that you were also the publisher of his memoir.

I don't want to hear from Matthew McConaughey in the booth on "Monday Night Football" talking about We Are Marshall, or see a ten-minute sketch about Ron Burgundy trying out for "SportsCenter." I do not want to see Owen Wilson talking about NASCAR and his new movie, Disney & Pixer's Cars. He doesn't know shit about sports. He was the voice of a cartoon car, for Christ's sake. By that logic, we should ask Mel Gibson about American history because he voiced John Smith in Pocahontos. I guess it's a good thing Disney doesn't own The History Channel.

The Budweiser Hot Seat and Gatorade Ultimate Highlight must go. Immediately. Why is it necessary to cram advertisements into the content of "SportsCenter"? You are already burning the candle at both ends and in the middle. You charge me as a cable subscriber, you sell commercial time, and you give preferential coverage to sports you own a stake in. Is it really necessary to turn your news programming into infomercials for bad sports movies? I know Disney's has had a bad run at the box office in the last few years, but why is it your responsibility to prop them up by compromising the flagship program on your network?

Stop bitching about fights in Hockey. The disingenuous condemnations narrating clips of Hockey fights are absurd. I am not die-hard Hockey fan, but I like watching the highlights. I love the big hits, great saves, and the fights. The fights are exciting, and they are part of the game. They are one of the only part of the game the casual fan cares about. I know you recognize that because the only time hockey is in the A group on "SportsCenter" is when there is a good fight. You gladly cover Boxing, so I'm not sure what moral ground you think you have to stand on.

Stop ignoring Mixed Martial Arts. Boxing is dead. "Friday Night Fights" is a relic, and "The Contender" is a joke. The only boxing fans left are sustained by nostalgia and not any real hope that the sport will rebound. MMA is the future of prize fighting. For an audience that grew up with Bruce Lee movies and "Mortal Kombat", Boxing as a fighting style is boring. Not to mention that boxing as industry is the worst run, most corrupt organization of thugs, pimps, and criminals this side of Caracas, Venezuela.

Long removed from the days where a fighter entered the ring wearing only one boxing glove and 150lbs. man fought a 400 lbs. Sumo wrestler, the UFC is now a licensed, regulated sport with a sustainable corporate structure not unlike that of the major sports. If the UFC's live fights on Spike TV out drawing NBA games on TNT wasn't enough, their record breaking pay-per-view revenue in 2006 (over $220 million) should clearly indicate the sport's entrance into the mainstream. So why are you completely ignoring it while propping up WNBA, MLS, Arena Football, and Bowling? Oh yeah, because you don't own any broadcast rights...

Stop pushing soccer on me. I don't care about the MLS, The World Cup, or any other league of professional joggers. Forget the flopping for a second; that would be an easy thing to get rid of with some rules that wouldn't otherwise affect the game. The bigger issue is that the game in general is flawed, perhaps hopelessly so. The offsides rule as written specifically reduces the action and limits the frequency of scoring chances. It would be like making it illegal to have a fast break in basketball, a deep pass in football, or a homerun in baseball. And that's not even the worst of the anti-fan rules. The lack of a meaningful clock all but guarantees the absence of any real end of match drama, and the ridiculous three-substitution (thanks for the correction MDSPO) limit means that not only can't you use your hands in soccer, you can't use your brain either. Without substitutions and timeouts, there's no meaningful in-game strategy to compliment the physical competition—and that's the difference between a sport you want to watch and a game you like to play. Soccer is a game, and a boring, first draft of a game at that—something you realize when you watch indoor soccer, which addresses almost all of the issues above and is still terrible.

The fact that half the world watches it doesn't mean anything. Half of the world still shits into a hole they dug outside their hut, but I'm sticking with the toilet. And American Football.

Stop scheduling Poker 12-hours a day. First of all, Poker is not even close to a sport. It's a game, and it belongs on the Game Show Network. With the exception of the World Series of Poker Main Event, no other poker tournament is worthy of broadcast, and even that should be limited to a single two-hour program. I like playing poker and even like watching it from time to time, but what you're doing is ridiculous. Not to mention that the professional poker players are some of the most despicable, obnoxious "personalities" on your network—and that is truly saying something. If I am subjected to another second of Phil Hellmuth, Mike Madusow, or Sean Sheikhan I'm going kick a hole in my television.

Please go back to filling your schedule with World's Strongest Man Contests, Timbersports, and Sumo Wrestling.

Stop the East Coast bias. I, like 95% of America, do not live in New York or Boston. I don't want to hear about the Yanks and the Sox constantly. Every baseball fan who doesn't root for those teams absolutely despises them. They have an unfair financial advantage that undermines the integrity of baseball. I don't know why MLB fears parity and a sensible salary cap, but I must say, they've certainly cast great villains. New York and Boston fans are the most annoying, obnoxious, and pretentious dickheads in all of sports.

Also, Derek Jeter isn't that good. He's never been that good. And certainly isn't worthy of almost constant attention. For two weeks this spring you subjected us to a story about he and A-Rod not being best friends! This is just another in the long line of over-hyped, over-rated New York/Boston athletes and sporting events: Joe Namath's fluke Super Bowl win, Willis Reed's game 7 return, Buckner's error, the supposedly golden '50s in baseball, Jeremy Shockey, etc. etc. etc.

Stop driving me away. I love ESPN. I grew up with ESPN. That is why it pains me to see it transformed from a specialized cable channel catering to sports fans into another soulless network so worried about pleasing everyone that appeals to no one.

Please return ESPN to its roots. Go back to objectively covering the games we love, and stop trying to influence sports culture. You aren't up to the task. If you don't let the fans dictate the culture, you risk killing your golden goose and alienating the very audience you were created to serve.

Also, please rehire Doc Rivers. He must be stopped from coaching any more NBA teams.

*****

Chapter Four: Due to Time Constraints

From ESPN Classic to Cold Pizza to Poker: why filling 24 hours shouldn't be this hard.

First of all, I'd like to congratulate ESPN on their decision to finally cancel "Cold Pizza". I am a little disappointed that I didn't get to rip it apart in this chapter, but I'm glad it's gone. It's a step in the right direction.

Currently, ESPN has six separate 24-hour networks--ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN News, ESPN Classic, ESPN U, and ESPN Deportes. That's 144 hours of airtime per day, 1,008 hours per week, 367,920 hours per year. That's a lot of time to fill. Is it too much time? I don't think so. In fact, my plan would include the creation of another channel.

Personally, I like the idea of having seven channels of sports programming to choose from at any given time. The problem is what to put on the channels. So let's look at the current schedules for each of the ESPN networks, and see how they can be improved.

All times estimated EST unless otherwise noted.

ESPN

What it is: 5AM: Eight back-to-back reruns of the previous day's 60-minute SportsCenter 2:30PM: Three and a half hours of commentary and analysis--Best of Mike and Mike, 1st and 10, Outside the Lines, NFL Live, Rome is Burning, Around the Horn, and PTI 6PM: 90-minute SportsCenter I 7:30PM: Live coverage of a major sporting event in primetime 10PM: 90-minute SportsCenter II 11:30PM: Seasonal sport recap show(s)--NFL Live, NBA Fastbreak, Baseball Tonight, etc. 1AM: 60-minute SportsCenter 2AM: 60-minute SportsCenter replay 3AM: An edited replay of the primetime event

What it should be: Early morning SC replays are fine. The afternoon schedule should be blown up. Three and a half hours of commentary shows is way too much. There is no reason we should be subjected to a televised radio show (Mike and Mike), Jim Rome's juvenile ranting, or anything featuring Skip Bayless (1st and 10). If you lose those three shows and cut one of the morning SC replays, you could show an unedited replay of the prior evening's primetime event starting at 1:30PM (I know I am still short a half hour, but we'll make that up in a second). This would be particularly good when games run late like the NBA Western Conference games and West Coast MLB games always do. Cut the 6PM SportsCenter back to 60-minutes and start it at 6:30. You can cut the human interest story and one worthless segment of analysis just like you do for the late night SCs. Then you have the evening's live event, the 90-minute 10PM SC, and the seasonal sport recap show(s). The back-to-back late-night SCs are also fine, but there is no reason to edit the replay of the game at 3AM. What time constraints do you have exactly? Is there some reason it is necessary to show five SC replays instead of four? Show the whole game at 3AM.

And you can keep your East Coast bias because…

ESPN2

What it is: Total garbage.

What it should be: ESPN2 should become ESPN West. Shift everything to PST, and produce West Coast versions of all the good commentary shows--Around the Horn West, PTI West, NFL Live West, etc. Then show a West Coast event in primetime. The pre-recorded SportsCenter segments could be shared, but the coverage should be West Coast biased.

I know the fans out West would love it if the 6PM SportsCenter was actually on at 6PM instead of 3PM when they are stuck in their goddamn cubicles. Not to mention that not hearing about the Yankees and Red Sox every day would be a welcome relief. East Coast ex-pats like me would still be able to watch ESPN, and most die-hard fans would watch a lot of both (thank you TiVo).

I know ESPN tried to do this in the late '90s, but lost some key broadcast contracts to Fox Sports and had some trouble getting cable carriers to commit to the channel. Now that ESPN2 is almost ubiquitous on cable and satellite (since both are desperate for HD channels) and the 10-year contracts negotiated by Fox in '98 are expiring, it's time to make this happen.

ESPN News

What it is: A sports version of CNN Headline News. It's fine as it is.

ESPN Classic

What it is: The worst of all the ESPN channels. Original shows like Madden Nation, Top 5 Reasons, Stump the Schwab and Streetball: The And 1 Mixtape Tour make no sense on ESPN Classic. Most of the time they just show old poker tourneys, episodes of American Gladiators and boxing matches. Where exactly are the classic games? And why, when you do show something good, is it edited?!

What it should be: 24-hours of unedited, classic games put into context with a breif introduction and followed by any interesting post game interviews and a wrap up of the impact of the game.

There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to flip on ESPN Classic at any time and see a great game. Old NCAA tourney games, NBA playoff games, great NFL games, old NFL films specials, classic MLB playoffs, etc. Show old NASCAR races during the day (NASCAR fans don't have jobs anyway), and second tier sports like Tennis, Golf, and Boxing at night.

You've got 50 years of sports to choose from. You can promote the great games your scheduling on ESPN and ESPN West, and if you choose the games wisely, they should tie into what's going on right now. In the wake of the Suns-Spurs suspensions, why not run the Heat-Knicks playoff fight from '98? After hearing people talk about it for the last two days, I know I'd like to see Larry Johnson and Alonzo Mourning flail at each other again.

ESPN Classic should be the most fun channel to program, but somehow it's like a bastard child in Bristol. If they had no intention of running properly, why did they buy it?

ESPN U

What it is: Depends on the season, but it's always college athletics. SportsCenterU, a college sports version of SC is actually pretty good. I've got no problem with ESPN U except that I wish they invested a little more money in it.

ESPN Deportes

What it is: Soccer, Latino Boxing, NBA games in Spanish, some other stuff in Spanish.

What it should be: They should just call this ESPN International and run all kinds of shit on it. Certainly Spanish speaking Latinos are the largest market, so it's fine to focus on that. But why not run Cricket, Aussie Rules Football, European Basketball League, and Soccer from all over the world?

ESPN Alternative

What it is: A figment of my imagination.

What it should be: Another channel to play NCAA Tourney games in March, and a place for Arena Football, World's Strongest Man, Olympic Sports, X Games, NHRA, Timbersports, WNBA, Bowling, Poker and whatever other bullshit ESPN feels compelled to put on television.

[stymie]

ufc showed the ufc 71 weigh in LIVE... espn rocks

[bxbomb]

ufc showed the ufc 71 weigh in LIVE... espn rocks

it was riveting

[vicman]

can i get cliff notes for that post?

[bxbomb]

can i get cliff notes for that post?

so your a mexicant

[JonStephen]

it was riveting

i was there....and i agree

[JonStephen]

good read btw...

finally made it all the way through