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Guest LeVeL

A Joke to brighten your day

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Guest LeVeL

superman.jpg

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party.

He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off

happily.Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said, "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass sure hurts like hell!"

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Guest endymion

I have heard that joke but this is much funnier with the visuals you included!

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Guest Clarisa

On the first day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to

live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay,"

said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the frontporch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

***** ENJOY!*****

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Guest LeVeL

condom.jpg

Two Old Ladies Were Outside Their Nursing Home, Having A Smoke, When It Started To Rain.

One Of The Ladies Pulled Out A Condom, Cut Off The End, Put it Over Her Cigarette, And Continued Smoking.

Lady 1: What's That?

Lady 2: A Condom. This Way My Cigarette Doesn't Get Wet.

Lady 1: Where Did You Get It?

Lady 2: You Can Get Them At Any Drugstore.

The Next Day, Lady 1 Hobbles Herself Into The Local Drugstore And Announces To The Pharmacist That She Wants A Box Of Condoms.

The Guy, Obviously Embarrassed, Looks At Her Kind Of Strangely (She Is, After All, Over 80 Years Of Age), But Very Delicately Asks What Brand She Prefers.

"Doesn't Matter, Son, As Long As It Fits A Camel."

The Pharmacist Fainted......

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Guest web_norah

Employees Handbook - Post Something Funny Thread

DRESS CODE:-

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be, therefore you do not need a raise.

__________________________________________________ __________________

SICK DAYS:-

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

__________________________________________________ __________________

PERSONAL DAYS:-

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

__________________________________________________ __________________

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:-

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

__________________________________________________ __________________

RESTROOM USE:-

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

__________________________________________________ __________________

LUNCH BREAK:-

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, bitching, and input should be directed elsewhere.

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Guest web_norah

RESTROOM USAGE REVISED:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with **A** will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with **B** will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees supervisors, in writing, must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

__________________________________________________ __________________

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 | Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma | AM tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 | Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union | $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 | Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 air $20.00 | Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09

Net Take Home Pay $0.52 (This is for your payphone call to a psychiatrist.)

__________________________________________________ __________________

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

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Guest web_norah

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing at the nursing home.

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Guest miamimonk

condom.jpg

Two Old Ladies Were Outside Their Nursing Home, Having A Smoke, When It Started To Rain.

One Of The Ladies Pulled Out A Condom, Cut Off The End, Put it Over Her Cigarette, And Continued Smoking.

Lady 1: What's That?

Lady 2: A Condom. This Way My Cigarette Doesn't Get Wet.

Lady 1: Where Did You Get It?

Lady 2: You Can Get Them At Any Drugstore.

The Next Day, Lady 1 Hobbles Herself Into The Local Drugstore And Announces To The Pharmacist That She Wants A Box Of Condoms.

The Guy, Obviously Embarrassed, Looks At Her Kind Of Strangely (She Is, After All, Over 80 Years Of Age), But Very Delicately Asks What Brand She Prefers.

"Doesn't Matter, Son, As Long As It Fits A Camel."

The Pharmacist Fainted......

LOL

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