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10 Rules


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Looks like I'm heading this way. Oh what I'm in for when my daughter gets older. You know, reading what some of you women post, I enjoy it, but then I know that my daughter's going to mature to that point...and i freak!

anyways...these will be my thoughts:


Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be

> delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


> Rule Two:

> You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may

> glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If

> you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will

> remove them.


> Rule Three:

> I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of

> your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling

> off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of

> your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open

> minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the

> door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I

> will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in

> fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take

> my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your

> waist.


> Rule Four:

> I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without

> utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,

> when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


> Rule Five:

> It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know

> each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the

> day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an

> indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,

> and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."


> Rule Six:

> I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many

> opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is

> okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little

> girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with

> you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


> Rule Seven:

> As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to

> appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you

> want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is

> putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the

> Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do

> something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


> Rule Eight:

> The following places are not appropriate for a date with my

> daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a

> wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is

> dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature

> is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank

> tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a

> goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic

> or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are

> okay.Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


> Rule Nine:

> Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,

> balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my

> daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask

> you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the

> truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a

> shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


> Rule Ten:

> Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me

> to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in

> over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the

> voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you

> to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you

> should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter

> password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my

> daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no

> need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is

> mine.


I've got the beat...the one for your mind as well as your feet!

AIM: Phatskils2

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oh now thats funny...f'in hysterical!!! Good post...i am now going to print it and put it away for safe keeping, i have only got 9 more years before my little girl is a teenager!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i know what i want, but it took me a long time to figure it out

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