jprutig Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, wecan open all our own jars."Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything onme. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"George Burns"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner -1996)"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."Sharon Stone"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Eitheryou have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do."Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the naturalenemy of a tightrope walker."Dan Rather (News anchorman)"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroidproblem?'"Arnold SchwarzeneggerHonesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."Tiger Woods"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"Patricia Arquette"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live inpoverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonmentturns the state into a gay dungeon-master."Rev. Jesse Jackson"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."Jack Nicholson"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but henever forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)"Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man'sgenitals through his wallet."Robin Williams"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the onlytime of the month that I can be myself."Roseanne"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."Billy Crystal"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressingin front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are justgrateful."Robert De Niro"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Isthat really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention towomen's breasts?"Hugh Grant"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men arehaving allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severeswelling. So what's the problem?"Dustin Hoffman"When the sun comes up, I have morals again"Elizabeth Taylor"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I knowwhat I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."Jerry Seinfield"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't likeand just give her a house."Rod Stewart"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and onlyenough blood to run one at a time."Robin Williams------------------you can judge the quality and content of one's character by the way they treat someone that can do nothing for them... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spd1980 Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 funny shit! Thanks. I like the one by Tiger Woods. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abstrakt Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 LMAO...that was great. Especially Tiger Woods and Jesse Jackson ------------------Burning...burnnnning... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmb1975 Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 nice way to start a friday!!! Funny shit!!------------------ The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachel1997 Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 TODAY'S JOKE! PENGUIN DELIVERYOne day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across adelivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver,who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him afavor.He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver atruckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driverproceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, offthey drive towards the zoo.An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and headsoff to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's drivingdown the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload ofpenguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his vanaround and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls overthem onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "Ithought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguinsto the zoo for me!""Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to thezoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to themovies!"------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unbound Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")ha ha i love this -thanks for a good laught! ------------------ UNBOUNDGettin'UNWOUND AIM: ZUinc2000 TëMA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.