Idiot stories...

[cmb1975]

-Contact Lens Trouble -

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

- Hole -

A 64 year-old woman with colon cancer kept returning to hospital with

an infection around her stoma (the hole where the tube from her

colostomy bag is inserted). There was also a mysterious whitish ooze

emanating from it. After eventually inquiring into her private life,

the doctors found out that she led an active sex life. "And," she

told them, "When we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets his

kicks out of removing the bag and using my stomach!"

- Stupid Crook -

Gary Blantz was arrested for kidnapping a bar owner near Lancaster, Pennsylvania in 1992. Police reported later that Blantz shot himself in the foot with his .45 caliber revolver in order to show his victim what would happen if he disobeyed.

- Cigar Insurance -

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured

them against...get this...fire. After he had smoked them, he then

decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that

the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge

stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire,

they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his

claim, the company then had him arrested for...arson.

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i know what i want, but it took me a long time to figure it out