no respect...who's better than dangerfield

[vision]

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born...the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father..."I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he still pulled through."

My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father...He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him..."Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said..."I don't know kid...there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

If it weren't for pick-pockets I'ld have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing

to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I aid to the guy "Hey Buddy...why are you doing that? He aid..."because you came home early!”

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster

and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger T my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said. "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect".

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him. "if you don't mind I'd like a second opinion". He said "Alright, you're ugly to!"

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face turned me over and said "look , twins!”