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[trancetrax]

to all the cpers...

For those of you that read my post about the relationship crisis that i currently have, i thank you for the concern and advice that you have given me. I have been going out the past couple of days to get my mind off of things and have been having a great time. But i am def missing something in my life...i decided that i had to express a few things to my girl in order to clear my mind...i want to have fun new years and needed to get some stuff off my chest and relieve that stress that has been haunting me since last thursday...this is what i sent to her, if you have time to read it i would appreciate it and any comments i will gladly accept...thanks again clubbers....robert

Dear Morayma...

There is so much that I need to express to you so I might as well get it all out no matter how much I ramble. So where do I begin. Being without you for the past few days has been THE MOST DIFFICULT PART OF MY LIFE! I have felt every emotion in the book: lonely, scared, upset, sad, depressed, and confused.

I have been lonely because you are my soul mate. I never really believed in all that horoscope stuff but you and I have been the perfect two-some the past 6 years. I now realize that we were meant for each other and I don’t know if I can go through life without you by my side. Not having my best friend around is not very fun. Being together all of the time made me comfortable; I loved it. Things are supposed to be comfortable right? Well what is too comfortable then? That has me perplexed. It is that feeling of ultimate trust and honestly. I miss that so much. But it is not that I felt comfortable, it is that I loved you with all my heart and would do anything for you. Now that I have no control of what is going on inside your mind makes me lonely because I am on the outside looking in. I am in the dark on everything and my entire future lies in your hands. My future was supposed to be by your side forever and ever but now only you can determine whether or not my dream will come true.

I am scared because the reality of all this is that I can lose you forever, to start over, and for you and I to move on to dating other people. I don't want to ever imagine that because we always saw us being together until the end. I don't want that at all. Would you give up on us? I always thought I did the best that I could possibly do to keep you happy. Even though you say that this has nothing to do with me I have realized that I may have made some mistakes along the way but these things can be worked out. We have been through so much together. We have so many long-term goals and planned everything out. Call me selfish but I feel as though I swept you off your feet and I don't want to feel like a stepping-stone that prepared you for the real world. Everything that I did I did out of love for you. When you love somebody you will do anything and everything for that person no matter what the situation or consequences are.

I am upset because of the gut-wrenching feeling that has my stomach all twisted and my chest pounding like I have either heart disease or an ulcer. My heart has been in my throat all week anticipating the outcome of what I believe to be the single most important event in our lives. Our lives can turn completely around based on your decision. I sit here and play the waiting game while all the demons and monsters twist my mind and put me on the brink of insanity. I feel like I am going to crack from all this pressure. I don't like that feeling very much. It really makes me want to die. I asked God to strike me down because the feeling hurts so much. I am not as tough as I thought I was. You were always the emotionally strong one. You kept a lot inside and now I know why. You were the glue to our relationship. I feel like I am on the peak of a mountain and you are hanging on to me by a single thread. You control my destiny and that really disturbs me. I love you so much and want to spend the rest of my life with you and the decision of whether or not we will be together is up to you. I understand that you have to do what is best for you but at the same time I feel as though you should take a step back to analyze all that we have been through over the course of relationship.

I am sad because the only person that made me happy all the time was you and now you are on the outside. You kept my head on straight and we had so much fun, love and happiness together. Now that is all over. We have so many memories that we can cherish for the rest of our lives. We have had many great times together. I feel like all those memories will be a waste of time if you leave me. What will we have if you leave? You would have taken something from me and moved on and what did I get? A broken heart! You don’t realize how important someone is until that person is out of your life. I realize now that I should have been a better person to you and even though you say that this has nothing to do with me, I still feel somewhat responsible. I was a pressure to you although I always tried to show you the right way. I will adjust; all you have to do is say the word. Please don’t give up on our relationship and us. Let’s work it out or at least try to work it out. Give us a chance to work everything out and build the strong relationship that we have always dreamed of.

I am depressed because of the combination of everything that I already spoke about. I have been shaking, vomiting, dizzy, and many other physical conditions that make me feel as if I need a sedative to relax. I have been crying all the time and I don't know how long I can handle all of this. I am not cut out for this. Good guys always finish last right? When a good thing comes along you work with it. That is the way I feel, I would never give up on us. You deserve more than that and I feel like I deserve more than being left in the dark. You have my hands tied behind my back and I don’t know what to do. The pressure on me is that I won’t give up on you because it is your decision and I don’t want to pressure you in any way and also the fact that I can’t take all this stress anymore.

I am confused because I still can't understand what is going on. Not having an explanation makes me wonder and has all kinds of thoughts twisting my mind. The simple fact that "it is not you, it is me" doesn't work for me. It just doesn't add up. What is going to show you if "I am the right one"? How will you know? When will you know? It is disturbing to think that you do not know that I am the right one after 6 years! Are you that prepared to just move on and start over from the beginning when we have a good thing right now and you don’t want to work through any existing problems? You needed your space and you still wanted to spend the holidays with me. That confused me. We were best friends right? I always thought so but I currently feel as though I wasn’t your best friend because I always thought I could feel what you are feeling and know what you were thinking and understand where you were coming from but right now I have absolutely no idea what you are going through.

The past 6 yrs have been the happiest years of my life. With all that we have been through: the love, laughter, fun, happiness, and most of all the memories cherished. I consider myself the luckiest man alive to have such a special woman who has taught me so much about how to live my life and be the best person that I can possibly be. You have taught me how to love and care for you and most importantly how to be there for you when you need me most. I always knew how much I loved you but now I know how strong that love is for you now that you are gone. I am dependent on you. You are my glue that keeps me strong for you. I protect you as if I am your guardian angel. And you are mine! I will do anything for you and I always felt like the choices I made in life were best for you and our relationship. I always put you and our relationship before me.

You said that you need your space, and that is fine but don't jeopardize everything that we had together. Don't give up unless you are not happy and feel that I am not the right person for you to live out the rest of your life. Give us a chance to patch up any cracks in our relationship. Even though you say that I shouldn't rack my brain because this has nothing to do with me, I have realized that I need to adjust to your needs and take into account the fact that you may be unhappy with our current situation. Sometimes people say stupid things and I understand that I need to do the little things to build our relationship stronger. Anything that needs to be worked out, I will do it. Perhaps things got a bit uncomfortable for you when Aaron and Jocelyn went through the abortion. Would you like to talk about it? I want to be there for you. I have always put us first in my life and I will not give up on you. I don't think that you should give up on us either. I feel like you already have given up on us and it breaks my heart that I am in the dark with everything that has gone on since Thursday. I feel that since you asked for your space just before the holidays that it is almost guaranteed that you wouldn’t be coming home to me. I feel lost without you. I have tried to get out but I feel like time is passing me by and have lost complete focus of everything and everyone around me. At work people talk with me and I am in a trance and then just breakdown and cry. I have been in and out of my boss’s office just trying to relax and calm down. I haven’t slept in days and can barely eat. My stomach is twisted and my heart has been in my throat since Thursday.

I am so scared to lose because I love you so much and I depend on you. Some people say that I shouldn’t depend on you but that is how our relationship was different. We were always there for each other in the good times and the bad. I am lonely now and feel like I lost you forever. Please don’t do this to me. Find yourself but don’t block me out of your life. I pulled this same thing with you and I came back to you after I realized how much in love with you I was. We had a vision of a wonderful life together. We had goals and aspirations, long-term commitments.

I want you back with all my heart. Hopefully everything works out the way it is supposed to be. We can have that 50/50 relationship like it should be. We will work out all of our idiosyncrasies to build the perfect relationship. We will take what we had and build it into the bright future that we always dreamed of which are an everlasting love and happiness and a prosperous life with beautiful family and unlimited happiness. The next chapter in our life should be the one that strengthens our relationship and prepare for the final commitment. Please don’t scare me like this anymore. I don’t think my heart can handle this again. While I am sitting here waiting for you to come to a decision, I hope that you are relaxing and doing the necessary thinking to figure out what is best for you.

The reality of all of this is that you control where the rest of our lives will lead. I pray that we are headed in the same direction, side by side, hand in hand, moving towards our everlasting love and happiness. Not being able to spend the holidays with you was the absolute worst thing that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. On Christmas day, I was petrified to be in the same room as you. You had that content, relaxed look in your eyes and you seemed to be so strong. That is the first time that I probably ever felt intimidated. This big, strong, tough, Italian, guy was scared of you. I sat there a miserable, broken down, stressed out, depressed nobody, while you looked safe and proud. That was extremely difficult for me to deal with. I didn’t even want to celebrate Christmas especially since you were not with me. The best Christmas gift that I can possibly receive this year is for you to come home, embrace me, and we learn from this experience and understand that this made us more committed to one another. I am not sure if I will go out on New Years because of all this. I wish I knew what my resolution could be. I feel as though you already know whether or not you are moving on. I don’t. This is my resolution: I wish that for the New Year that my lovely girlfriend, best friend, and lover comes back to me in good health having made up her mind to spend the rest of her life with me and that we can live the life that we had always planned for.

I don’t know what is going on in your head. Where is this relationship headed? What were we doing? Why did it come to this current situation? There may be a lot on your plate and lots of pressure to feel like you haven’t accomplished anything but I know one thing, you have accomplished finding a man who would literally do anything for you and love you forever. What is it that you or we are missing? Is there any way that we can work this out together? Do you want me to be a part of your life? Everything is such a mystery and that makes this much harder to deal with. You say that we are not broken up and you won’t see other guys and that we are just kind of separated for a bit so I guess that is a good thing as long as you come back after you take your space and sort things out and figure out what you want. But at the same time you mentioned that you want to make sure that I am the right one and things have gotten too comfortable. These are the statements that are eating me away. Because it seems as though there is no guarantee that our relationship will grow from the point at which is currently standing.

I have always been prepared to take our relationship to the next level and didn’t want to pressure you but perhaps you needed that surprise. I just always figured that since we lost quite a bit of money in the market and you want to get your degree the timing was just a bit off. We always talked about these things. I am so scared thinking about what will happen when you get back and want to talk about things. It is especially hard when all of your friends and family strongly believes that things are going to be just fine. That gets my hopes up to the point that I am let down I don’t know if I can handle the fall. I think you know what you are doing and don’t think that you give up everything that we have had over the past 6 yrs. I seriously don’t think that I can handle seeing you if I cannot be a part of your life. I am not sure if I can even see you. This would be tooooo hard for me to see you face to face if you are going to tell me what I don’t want to hear. I guess that something that has been on your mind throughout this entire time has been:

ARE YOU PREPARED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH ME AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

Over the past six years you have probably thought many a times about whether or not I am the right guy for you right? You have answered this question time and time again. So why would you question yourself again at this point in your life? Are you still not sure of what you really wanted?

I would love to hear you say, “let’s grow old together”, or “love me forever”, or well I think that you get the picture. We can then patch things up and prepare to strengthen our relationship and move on from here. We will make the necessary adjustments that will prepare us for our life-long dream. I don’t want to pressure you into making a decision but rather wanted you to understand what I have been going through since Thursday. If you are not ready to make a decision that is fine but the questions that still haunt me are whether or not you want me to be involved or am I to be left in the dark and not have a clue what is going through your head. If you need your time and space take it but just come back to me and don’t give up on everything that we have had.

I have been turning myself to those awesome poetry books that I have and some are heartless and some are so full of love and many of them describe the constant confusion that I am currently experiencing. Some are mean and others are nice, I am not sure which ones to concentrate on reading but just know this we have had some wonderful times together. You have loved and received love from someone who cares about you more than you can ever imagine. Come home to me. I miss you so much.

I have no clue what you have been going through lately and I just wanted to express myself to you. There is so much more I want to tell you but at this point it all depends on where we are going from here…

Love Robert.