2001 Darwin Awards

[meng]

2001 Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards this year are

classic!

Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please) ......We

proudly present the 2001 "Natural Selection" awards:...

These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that

individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most

to (Now Let's Hear a Cheer for Pure Genius at Work!!!!!!) to rid their

genes from the world's gene pool.

5th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower

at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam

pad.

22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.

The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department

said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called

Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said

Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are

used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used

the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It

has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one

with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who was apparently being disorderly in a St.

Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo

grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without

paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics

removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to

death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above

him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:

"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably

related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the 22

bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap

into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his

lips,teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting

cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.

Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was

trying to

explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show

you

how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all

his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was

listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries,

according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just

can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through

the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released

soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last

weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men

Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in

Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head,

but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the

arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have

been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor

Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow

went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear

of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.

Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his

own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he

and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel

so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine

County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under

investigation.

Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late)

John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state

of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George

Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers

between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot

fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to

the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was

100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist

his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a

30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over,

he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted

(and broken, along with his arm, as it

were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from

the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below

him.

(Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his

pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from

the tree. Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky

crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body

and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated

his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife

penetrated his thigh 3 inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his

friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and

pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to

the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken

haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence

landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the

crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead

at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they

found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his

body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts

dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win... removal of undesirable elements

from the human gene pool.