Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child

[naomi1]

Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our

own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how

things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I

could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel

the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment

when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives

to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the

office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included

the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check

it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her

mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night

football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby

move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned

to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying

to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping

around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we

rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay

her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three

in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front

seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another

at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started

having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and

hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along

the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that

she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told

her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I

finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded

her not to forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera.

My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the

one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with

double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and

framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional

studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour

documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of

video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a

twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and

put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had

five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but

I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed

it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We

swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches

were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just

in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly

bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the

living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple

of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly.

When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him

in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get

better after he stopped crying.