100 reasons its great to be a guy

[ender84]

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3) You know stuff about tanks.

4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5) Monday Night Football.

6) You dont have to monitor your friends sex lives.

7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8) You can open all your own jars.

9) Old friends dont give a crap whether youve lost or gained weight.

10) Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind.

11) When clicking through the channels, you dont have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.

13) All your orgasms are real.

14) A beer gut doesnt make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15) Guy in hockey masks dont attack you (unless you smash em into the boards).

16) You don+t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17) You understand why Stripes is funny.

18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19) Your last name stays put.

20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21) When your work is criticized, you dont have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22) You can kill your own food.

23) The garage is all yours.

24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27) You never have to clean a toilet.

28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34) You dont have to shave below your neck.

35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

36) You dont have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

37) If youre 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38) You can write your name in the snow.

39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41) Chocolate is just another snack.

42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.

44) Flowers fix everything.

45) You never have to worry about other peoples feelings.

46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50) You can say anything (-Wow, do my balls hurt!-) and not worry about what people will think.

51) Foreplay is optional.

52) Michael Bolton doesnt live in your universe.

53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55) You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter readers coming by.

56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58) You dont give a rats butt if anyone notices your new haircut.

59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.

60) The world is your urinal.

61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lovers about to leave you.

62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64) One mood, all the time

65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this ones just too skeevy.

67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what youre wearing.

69) Same work...more pay!

70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

71) You don+t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

73) You dont care if someones talking about you behind you back.

74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earths population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75) You dont mooch off others desserts.

76) If you retain water, its in a canteen.

77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78) People never glance at your chest when you+re talking to them.

79) ESPNs SportsCenter.

80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84) You neednt pretend youre -Freshening up- to go to the bathroom.

85) If you don+t call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your other friends youve changed.

86) Someday youll be a dirty old man.

87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase -Screw it.

88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

89) Princess Dis death was just another obituary.

90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because youre not in the mood.

92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93) If something mechanical doesnt work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

94) New shoes dont blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96) You dont have to remember everyones birthdays and anniversaries.

97) Not liking a person doesnt preclude having great sex with them.

98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: -So...notice anything different?

99) Baywatch

100) Theres always a game on somewhere.

[gothzane]

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

~ Not when a woman chews your ear for hours and hours

"Yes dear...thats nice....uh-huh...really....yes....sure."

2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.

"Look at the cans on her!"

3) You know stuff about tanks.

"Dont forget vilocity ranges of the ammunition."

4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

"Two suitcases if your bringing along your porn collection."

5) Monday Night Football.

"With cable tv football can be every night...whoo-hoo."

6) You dont have to monitor your friends sex lives.

"Hey Al." "Yeah?" "You get any?" "Yep." "Cool."

7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

"Excuse me sir are you going to piss there or shall I?"

8) You can open all your own jars.

~except for those damn flip lids that cunnigly decieve us.

9) Old friends dont give a crap whether youve lost or gained weight.

"Hey Al?" "Yeah?" "Does my ass look fat in these?" "Yep." "Cool."

10) Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind.

"I dont care just cut it." "How short?" "Not too damn short okay?"

11) When clicking through the channels, you dont have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

*Click* ~A woman crying~ "Damn chick flicks." *Click*

12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.

"Im sorry Al....but your just not qualified for this position."

~ Al stands up turns around and bends over slapng his ass

"As I was saying....you should be better off in a higher position.."

13) All your orgasms are real.

"Oh baby...yeah....yeah...ZZzzzzz."

14) A beer gut doesnt make you invisible to the opposite sex.

"Beer gut? Naa this is my beer reserve....in case I run out...just like a camel...right hun?" "Yes dear." "Damn straight....beer gut...whats wrong with you?"

15) Guy in hockey masks dont attack you (unless you smash em into the boards).

"Unless im staring in another crappy jason goes to pluto movie."

16) You don+t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

"Hey tools are pretty damn useful!"

17) You understand why Stripes is funny.

"lol"

18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

"Okay boys heres the plan....Al and I are going to attack the bowl from the left....while Al...Bob...you both come around to the right and ambush the toilet paper reserves...ready? break!."

19) Your last name stays put.

"damn straight woman!"

20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

"hell if you do it right everyone gets to sleep in the wet spot....i sure as hell am not going to clean up after that."

21) When your work is criticized, you dont have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

"You dont fucking like it? You do it!....asshole."

22) You can kill your own food.

"Mmm...deer...goood.....ryhmes with beer...beer....good.

23) The garage is all yours.

"Dont you dare tuch that door handle woman!"

"I dont care if you think its in there."

"Dont you dare touch that door handle!"

24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

"I thought of you today." "Really?" *thinking to himself* ~no not really..i thought of cars, beer, and that blonde at work...but shes married...and so am i....stupid-friggen-ahole...but oh well.~

"Yes hun...i coundt get you off of my mind."

25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. =P

26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

Except for them silky boys at the village.

27) You never have to clean a toilet.

BS...I keep my throne polished 24/7

28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

Naaa....perfection takes time....unless its something I want to do...then give or take 4 minutes.

29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Sex means keeping up with the reputation.

30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Not when I have to pay for it all...

31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Long as they give me beer as an apology.

32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

BS silk boxers get expensive.

33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.

Whoo-hoo!...bouncy bouncy bouncy

34) You dont have to shave below your neck.

Fuck no! thatd be like.....unmanly!

35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

But they sure have the power to piss me off!

36) You dont have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

No...just two two porcupines in the shape of legs. ahhhh!

37) If youre 34 and single, nobody even notices.

Long as your getting laid.

38) You can write your name in the snow.

J....O....H....N.....heh heh heh heh

39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

Mines bigger!

40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Makeup? you some kinda fagula friend?

41) Chocolate is just another snack.

Beer is just another snack

42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

Screw that....thats too much like work.

43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.

Long as a woman isnt driving =P

44) Flowers fix everything.

Unless shes illergic =(

45) You never have to worry about other peoples feelings.

BS...may the heavens forbid you make a woman angry.

46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

Have to think about beer, cars, and tools sometime...

47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Toga...Toga... Toga..!

48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

Shoes are for queers...Boots! now were talkin.

49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Fruit are for fruits....i snack on raw beef and beer!

50) You can say anything (-Wow, do my balls hurt!-) and not worry about what people will think.

Pssst...your balls are showing. Bumble Bee Tuna!

51) Foreplay is optional.

No its not. Nothing better then a woman ziplocked to my face.

52) Michael Bolton doesnt live in your universe.

Who?

53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

So a priest, a rabbi, and a busload of lesbian nuns walk in a bar...

54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

I do it hulk hulgan style....riiiiiip.

55) You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter readers coming by.

Just step over that okay? oh that...hey i was looking for that!

56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

Hey Al you get some? Yep. Alright gimme five!

57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

BS those fuckers try to one up everyone.

58) You dont give a rats butt if anyone notices your new haircut.

Oh Al...your new haircut looks especially lovely today. Why thank you Ted.

59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.

Uhh want a beer? Sure.

60) The world is your urinal.

I dont give a rats ass if anyones looken...i gotta go.

61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lovers about to leave you.

Uhh your going? Bring me back a beer? No? Alright then Ms. Useless...bye.

62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.

Long as its a womans ass.

63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

God damn no...oww.

64) One mood, all the time

Uless your a piseces...then your one moody bastard.

65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

Thats one badass mo'fo.

66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this ones just too skeevy.

The skeevier the better,

67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

23 now that i think about it.

68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what youre wearing.

Balls need to breathe.

69) Same work...more pay!

More pay more reasons to slack off.

70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Proud of every one....my badges of courage.

71) You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

Pardon me a sec folks....ahhh much better.

72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

Tuxedo borrowed: Free

73) You dont care if someones talking about you behind you back.

Especially when im wielding my double barrel 12 gauge shotgun.

74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earths population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

Thats a shitload of mouths to feed.

75) You dont mooch off others desserts.

Are you going to eat that?

76) If you retain water, its in a canteen.

We dont retain water...only beer...like a camel...in our gut.

77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.

What gives you the right to touch the sacred remote?

78) People never glance at your chest when youre talking to them.

Hey Al...your growing a nice pair of man-tits there...

79) ESPNs SportsCenter.

Whoo-hoo!

80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

I bring tribute ....BEER!

81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

Shake it baby.

82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

Hey ma...whens dinner?

83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

Your excited? Feel these nipples!

84) You neednt pretend youre -Freshening up- to go to the bathroom.

Hey...im going to take a crap...be right back.

85) If you dont call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your other friends youve changed.

Hey where ya been? Getting laid. Oh alright...want to go grab a beer?

86) Someday youll be a dirty old man.

Whoo-hoo!

87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase -Screw it.

"Screw it."

88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

"Hey man look at you!" "Holy shit man!" "Hey...want a beer?"

89) Princess Dis death was just another obituary.

Who?

90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

*Bllllllllllluurrrrrrrp*

91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because youre not in the mood.

"Sorry Ms. Jenna Jameson...I have a headache."

92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

"He goes for the kick...........its good!"

93) If something mechanical doesnt work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

"Get this shit outa here!"

94) New shoes dont blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

Thats right..because real men wear boots!

95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

Eeeey...I watch lesbian porn too!

96) You dont have to remember everyones birthdays and anniversaries.

"oh...errr happy birthday...leme buy you a beer."

97) Not liking a person doesnt preclude having great sex with them.

"I dont particuarly care for you.....but perhaps you would like to screw like wild minks?"

98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: -So...notice anything different?

New beer?

99) Baywatch

Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy

100) Theres always a game on somewhere.

G'bless cable tv.

*tUnder no circumstance do these comments reflect myself as a single unit or the idealogy of men as a whole. Each statemet is based upon humorous notions and should not be taken litteraly.. In no way shape or form am I responsable for these statements...its all the beers fault.*