naomi1 Posted April 8 Report Share Posted April 8 INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER (Notes from an inexperienced chili tasternamed Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast).Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. Theoriginal person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to bestanding at the judges' table asking directions for the beer wagon whenthe call came. The other two judges (native Texans) assured me that thechili would not be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could havefree beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecardsfrom the event:CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILIJudge 1 - A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.Judge 2 - Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.Frank - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove driedpaint from our driveway. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. Hopethat is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.CHILI #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILIJudge 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno kick.Judge 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.Frank - Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I amsupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wantedto give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush me in more beer whenthey saw the look on my face.CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILIJudge 1 - Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.Judge 2 - A bean less chili. A bit salty good use of red peppers.Frank - Call the EPA I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels likeI've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me morebeer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me in the back: now my backbone isin the front of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all the beer.CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGICJudge 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointed.Judge 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish orother mild foods.Frank - I felt something scraping across my tongue. But was unable totaste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds. Sally the bar maid wasstanding behind me with fresh refills. That 300 LB beast is starting tolook hot. Just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili anaphrodisiac?CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVERJudge 1 - Meaty strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground peppersadding considerable kick. Very impressive.Judge 2 - Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit thecayenne peppers make a strong statement.Frank - My ears are ringing. Sweat is pouring off my forehead. I can nolonger focus my eyes. I farted and four people need paramedics. Thecontestant seemed offended when I told her the chili had given me braindamage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by poring beer directly on itfrom apitcher. I wonder if I'm burning off my lips. It really pisses me offthat the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETYJudge 1- Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice andpeppers.Judge 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.(This one is great.)Frank - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuricflames. I crapped myself when I farted. I am worried that it will eatright through the chair.No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally, she must bekinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe mybutt with a snow cone.CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILIJudge 1- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.Judge 2- Tastes as if the chef threw in a can of chili peppers at the lastmoment I should note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to bein a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.Frank - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and Iwouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the worldsounds like rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slidunnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like crap tomatch my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it I'm notgetting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it through the4-inch hole in my stomach.CHILI # 8 HELEN'S MOUNT PST CHILIJudge 1 - A perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili, safe for all.Not to bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.Judge 2 - This final entry is good, is balanced chili, neither mild norhot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,fell over and pulled the pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he isgoing to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd reacted to a really hotchili. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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