The Inexperienced Chili Judge

[naomi1]

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER (Notes from an inexperienced chili taster

named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast).

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. The

original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be

standing at the judges' table asking directions for the beer wagon when

the call came. The other two judges (native Texans) assured me that the

chili would not be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have

free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards

from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

Judge 1 - A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 - Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Frank - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried

paint from our driveway. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. Hope

that is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno kick.

Judge 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Frank - Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush me in more beer when

they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge 1 - Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge 2 - A bean less chili. A bit salty good use of red peppers.

Frank - Call the EPA I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me in the back: now my backbone is

in the front of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointed.

Judge 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods.

Frank - I felt something scraping across my tongue. But was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds. Sally the bar maid was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 LB beast is starting to

look hot. Just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge 1 - Meaty strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground peppers

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 - Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Frank - My ears are ringing. Sweat is pouring off my forehead. I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people need paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her the chili had given me brain

damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by poring beer directly on it

from a

pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning off my lips. It really pisses me off

that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge 1- Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice and

peppers.

Judge 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

(This one is great.)

Frank - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric

flames. I crapped myself when I farted. I am worried that it will eat

right through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally, she must be

kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my

butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge 1- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2- Tastes as if the chef threw in a can of chili peppers at the last

moment I should note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be

in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Frank - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I

wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world

sounds like rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like crap to

match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it I'm not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it through the

4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 HELEN'S MOUNT PST CHILI

Judge 1 - A perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili, safe for all.

Not to bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge 2 - This final entry is good, is balanced chili, neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,

fell over and pulled the pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is

going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd reacted to a really hot

chili.