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HAZE

A Little Help For Those That Read Personal Ads...

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Here's what they really mean...

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish.............. 49

Adventurer.......... Slept with all your friends

Athletic............ No tits

Average looking..... Has a face like a basset hound

Beautiful........... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile.... Does a lot of Ecstasy

Educated............ Banged her Political Science professor

Emotionally Secure.. Medicated

Feminist............ Fat ballbuster

Free spirit......... Junkie

Friendship first.... Trying to live down reputation as a slut

Fun................. Annoying

Gentle.............. Comatose

Good Listener........Borderline Autistic

New-Age............. All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned....... Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs

Open-minded......... Desperate

Outgoing............ Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate.......... Sloppy drunk

Poet................ Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional........ Certified Bitch

Redhead............. Bad dye-job

Reubenesque......... Grossly Fat

Romantic............ Looks better by candle light

Social.............. Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray

Voluptuous.......... Very Fat

Weight proportion w/ height... Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate...... Stalker

Widow............... Drove first husband to shoot himself

Young at heart...... Old bat

MEN'S ADS

40-ish.............. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic............ Watches a lot of NASCAR

Average looking..... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated............ Will patronize the shit out of you

Free Spirit......... Banging your sister

Friendship first.... As long as friendship involves nookie

Fun................. Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking........ Arrogant

Very good looking... Dumb as a board

Honest.............. Pathological Liar

Huggable............ Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle..... Insecure mama's boy

Mature.............. Older than your father

Open-minded......... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested

Physically fit...... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls

Poet................ Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall

Sensitive........... Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive...... Gay

Spiritual........... Got laid in a cemetery once

Stable.............. Arrested for stalking, but not convicted

Thoughtful.......... Says "Excuse me" when he farts

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