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Celebrity Secrets...

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"You'd never know it by my movies but I haven't taken a shower in seven years. I smell like an old dumpster. Take it or leave it boys."

"Halle Berry totally stole the whole crying-when-you-win-your-Oscar thing from me. Also, all that other stuff about opening the door for other black actresses, that was mine too."

"I'm superstitious. Before I start a new movie, I also kill a hobo with a hammer."

"In Shakespeare in Love, I played a woman playing a man playing a woman. In actuality, I am a man who was playing a woman, playing a man, playing a woman. My apologies to anyone who's ever whacked off to me."


"Star Trek was originally supposed to be a show about a bunch of rabbis in a synagogue. I said to the producers, 'instead of a synagogue, how about if the show is in outer space?' They said, 'okay.' That's pretty much how it happened."

"When we did TJ Hooker I used to tell my co-star Adrian Zmed that he should change his name, like I did- from William Zmed."

"I tell people I have a 34 inch waist, but it's really 35."

"How do I stay so healthy and boyishly handsome? It's simple. I drink the blood of young runaways."


"A few years ago, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a phone call. It was James Duen, Scotty on Star Trek. He'd just seen Braveheart, and needed to talk. I told him Mel Gibson sucked cause that's what I thought he wanted to hear, but really, I thought Gibson was good."

"I remember showing up drunk to rehearsal one day for Star Trek. I walked up to Leonard Nimoy (Spock), and said, 'Hey Spock, live long and prosper.'"

"One time, I took one of the Tribbles home for the weekend. They didn't want it back."

"I said a lot of bad things about Bill Shatner. I've called him arrogant, conceited, a horse's ass. But the truth of the matter is, he's an arrogant, conceited, horse's ass! Sorry, Bill."

"Originally I was the helmsman of the USS Enterprise. In Star Trek VI, I was promoted to the captain of the USS Excelsior. But each and every night I get to be admiral of my bathtub."

"In the first season, the transporter that beamed people on and off the Enterprise was just a shower, and instead of visiting other worlds we would just fly near them, shower, and then leave."

"One time during a Star Trek taping, Captain Kirk said 'Warp speed Mr. Sulu.' I replied, 'Glurp speed Mr. Bulu.' He then angrily repeated 'Warp speed Mr. Sulu!' And I said 'yorp speed sister Gululu!' My idol was Jerry Lewis."

"Once, we gave Star Trek creator Gene Rodenberry a big basket of berries that we labeled "Rodenberries". They were actually month-old cherries and he was pretty pissed off."

"My last name is pronounced Takei, it rhymes with 'okay.' I had a high school gym teacher named Mr. Henderson who refused to pronounce it right. He'd always say, "Good morning Mr. 'Tack-eye'" just to make me mad. But that didn't make me mad. Because instead of calling him Mr. Henderson, I'd just say, 'Good morning to you Mr. Ass****!'"


"I once had a heated argument with Don Knotts. He looked me dead in the eye and said that I wasn't fit to shine Andy Griffith's shoes. I stayed up all night thinking about that and I said to myself, 'My God he's right.' The next day, I quit my job as Andy Griffith's shoe shiner."

"Three's Company was originally called Three Companies about a trio of pharmaceutical companies. It was ten times funnier."

"Most people don't know that I am an accomplished dramatic actor. I have a play on Broadway now with Henry Winkler called Dinner Party. But I've performed in several Shakespeare productions including Hamlet, except in this version, Hamlet lives in an apartment with two women, and has to pretend he's gay so that the landlord won't evict him."

"Apparently there's this new scandal about how you can see my scrotum hanging out of my blue boxer shorts for a split second on episode 161 of Three's Company. Someone asked me if maybe I did that on purpose. You bet I did."

"The show CHiPs taped right next door to us. I remember going over to the set to see my friend Paul Linke who played Officer Grossman, and I was walking behind the sound stage and I saw Erik Estrada kissing Don Knotts. Two days later Don showed up to the set in tears. He told everyone his dog was sick but I knew it was because he had broken up with Erik."

"Once during a taping there was an actor who kept blowing his lines. It happened again and again. Finally Norman Fell came out- he wasn't even in that scene. But Norman came out and you know what he did? He killed the guy with a hammer."


"When I guest starred on Silver Spoons I asked Ricky Schroeder if he was the kid who cried a lot in the movie The Champ. He said yes. Then he asked me if I cried when I saw the movie. I said 'No.' I lied."

"During the filming of Rocky III whenever I did a scene with Meredith Burgess, I pretended I was Batman, and he was the Penguin, and we were filming an episode of the old Batman TV show. It was fun to pretend."

"I remember one time I tried to pity this fool. He told me his name was Jeff. He was married. He pulled out his wallet and showed me three pictures of his kids; Kelly, Robert, Brittany. Real cute kids. Don't get too close man. It's hard to pity a fool if you get too close."

"In Rocky III my character's name was Clubber Lang. I wanted him to be cutesy Mike Sunshine. The producers said no. That made me sad."

"People wonder why I call myself Mr. T. One dude asked, 'does the T stand for tough?' I said no. Another dude asked if the T stands for my last name, Tureaud. No it does not. The 'T' in Mr. T stands for tuna. T loves tuna."

"I remember when I guest-starred on 'Diff'rent Strokes.' I said to the director, 'When do I get to do my scene with Tootie?' He said, 'No man, that's a different show.' I never did get to do that scene with Tootie."


"When I first started endorsing I Can't Believe It's Not Butter I pointed out that the name was a double negative. It should be called, I Believe It's Butter."

"My name is really Fabio. It's Fabio Schwartzbaum."

"From the moment I stepped foot on the set of the movie Dude Where's My Car? I knew where the car was."

"People say 'How great to be Fabio- you have no enemies.' Well, Fabio does have one enemy...Coolio."


"I got into rock-and-roll because I wanted the chicks. The Dixie Chicks."

"I got the name Slash because I used to work in a grocery store and I was in charge of reducing prices for really big sales."

"One time we played a concert in Antwerp, Belgium. At least I thought it was Antwerp, Belgium. Turns out it was a Stop 'n Shop in Wisconsin somewhere, but it was fun man."

"If I ever go bald, I'll kill myself."

"The original name for Guns 'n Roses was Roses 'n Guns, but that just sounded stupid."

"I once asked Axl why he left the 'E' off his name. He started crying and said he thought he'd spelled it right."

"Almost every night I have a dream where one of my pet snakes eats all those boys in Hanson."

"Someone once asked me what I liked better-kittens or puppies. And I said "'It's a tie man.' They said- 'Too close to call?' I said, 'No, man, too cute to call.'"

"My original nickname was 'Splash' because I loved that movie so much."

"I guess you could say there are two Slashes. There's the crazy, rock-and-roll Slash, he's wild. And then there's the real Slash- he collects miniature soaps and treats his hookers real nice."

"An anagram of Axl Rose is oral sex. Why do I know? Because when I'm not playing music I love solving erotic jumbles."

"Originally, I wanted to call the band 'Guns 'n Robots.' I still believe that if we had just called ourselves 'Guns 'n Robots' we'd still be together."


"Before I was called 'Snoop Dog' I was called 'Snoop Doggy Dog.' Before that I was called 'Snoop Diggity Doggity Dogg.' Before that, I was just called, 'The Phantom.'"

"Last Christmas I put on a Santa Claus mask, and I said to three of my ladies, 'ho, ho, ho.' They didn't think it was funny."

"It's true, Dr. Dre is not a real doctor. I just wish he had told me that before I let him remove my pancreas."

"When I go to restaurants, the waiters always ask me if I want a doggy bag. I'm tired of that. All you waiters, stop asking me if I want a mother****** doggy bag."


"The song To All The Girls I've Loved Before was actually not written for all the girls I've loved before. It was written for all of them except one, Sue Ginsberg. I told her I loved her, but I really didn't. She was nice and all that, but she was a total rebound. She had this really weird body."

"After a show on the road sometimes I comb my hair straight down and have all the roadies call me 'Wilma.'"

"I'm happy about being a solo artist, but part of me wishes I'd never been kicked out of Devo."

"I named my dog Willie so sometimes when the phone rings and somebody asks 'Is Willie there?' I can say 'Which one do you really want to talk to?'"

"You Were Always On My Mind is actually about my house keys. You see I've never forgotten my house keys."

"Sometimes people ask me 'Willie, why didn't you pay your taxes for so many years?' Well, you see, I thought I was paying taxes. But according to my accountant, I was just receiving a lot of oral sex."


"My real name isn't John Tesh. It's Juanita Teshowitz. That's right- I'm a female Puerto Rican Jew."

"If I don't get into the rock-and-roll Hall of Fame this year- it's cool. If I don't get in next year, I'll burn the place to the ground."

"My music is my mistress that- in a sense that when it is exposed in public it brings me great shame and humiliation."

"Believe it or not, with just a tiny bit of makeup, I can look like Frankenstein."

"My last name, Tesh, is actually an acronym- it stands for Tickle Every Single Human. That's my goal in life. I want to tickle everybody on earth once."


"Tom Hanks isn't my real name. My real name is Hank Toms."

"When I agreed to make Apollo 13 I was under the impression that I would be playing Apollo Creed from Rocky. Those sons of bitches tricked me!"

I played Kip on Bosom Buddies. The funny thing is I originally tried out for the part of Henry. How crazy would that have been?"

"The best thing about being seen as the nicest guy in Hollywood is that no one searches my backyard for bodies."

"The 1998 Oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall, next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and I said 'looks like we're a couple of peeing Toms.' His angry silence is something I'll never forget."

"Thanks to the Hanks publicity machine, I've got people saying I'm the nicest guy in Hollywood. In actuality I'm the third nicest guy in Hollywood. Just behind Art Carney and Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top. Like I'm nicer than Billy Gibbons."

"I'm impotent. Wait, wait, I don't want anybody to know that."


"It's not easy being a celebrity. Once this little kid, this cute little kid asked me for an autograph. I gave it to him. He said, 'Thanks Mr. Hanks!' I took it away from him, tore it up, and told him Tom Hanks was dead."

"In the movie Witness, I played a policeman who went undercover and pretended to be Amish. I could never be Amish. For one thing they're never allowed to touch themselves down there."

"One day I called George Lucas up at three o'clock in the morning and I pretended to be Mark Hamill. He said, 'Harrison?' I said 'No, it's me Mark Hamill.' He said, 'Harrison, I know it's you.' I said, 'Well then you know wrong because it's Mark Hamill.' He sighed and said, 'okay Mark what do you want?' I really got him."

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