Toooo Funny

[shlonger]

Kids are stupid. They're always running around with their sticky hands and filthy Star Wars toys, completely oblivious to their surroundings. Irresponsible, lazy, and worthless. I saw a kid on a Chex commercial today. The kid was laughing. Laughing because he likes the noise it makes when he eats cereal. The kid was trying to be cute and funny, but ended up being annoying and repulsive. The commercial gave me diarrhea.

You know.. you're pretty much a pile of shit if you're content with living your life eating cereal and laughing at the noise it makes. Why don't these worthless kids get a job? Child labor laws--my ass. We need to make new child labor laws, forcing kids into work at an early age. If their backs don't hurt, then they aren't earning their living.

I mean, kids need real jobs. None of this selling lemonade at the corner of the street bullshit that they do now. The other day, some ugly little kids were trying to sell piss-warm lemonade to people driving by. Like anyone's going to go out of their way to stop, buy some diseased sugar water with dead flies in it, just to help out a group of dirty little shits that don't have anything better to do.

Not that they know what to do with the money once they get. They usually fritter it away on legos and Britney Spears albums. Speaking of Britney Spears, she blows.

I also saw a Rice Crispies commercial the other day. It started out with some short, uncoordinated little shit trying to reach the Rice Crispies on the kitchen counter (I was hoping it was one of those commercials where a pot of boiling water scalds the kid; you know, the ones that are supposed to give irresponsible parents a guilt trip). But no. The kid got his rice crispies, then the MUSIC started playing. "Snap crackle pop... wake up call to the world! Snap crackle pop..." That whore. Then the kid snuck into his baby brother's room and placed the bowl of cereal right next to his head. The baby woke up and looked around. What the hell? The last thing you want is a baby that's awake. Babies are loud, stupid, and they shit all over everything.

Just as the baby woke up, the door cracked open. It was the mom. She looked into the room and tilted her head, as if to say "Awwe.. isn't that cute?" NO. YOU STUPID BITCH. YOUR KID COULD HAVE BEEN SCALDED BY BOILING WATER. Pay attention next time. Damned irresponsible parents. If you're not going to supervise your little brats, then don't have kids. We have enough jackasses running around as it is, we don't need more.

People tell me that I shouldn't have kids. Why? I think I'd make a great parent. My kids won't be screwed up little bastards. They'll be great, just like me. I won't tolerate failure, like all those other parents. No son of mine is going to fail. We need more winners, and less losers. If you can't cut it, then you're weak. Inferior. Worthless. A bad seed. A sour grape. What's with sour grapes anyway? Why are they considered bad? I like sour grapes, so piss off.

people think I'm an asshole for hating kids (still).

Violence Rules:

People are always bitching about violence on TV. I recently had the misfortune of watching TV (bad idea), and now I see why they're bitching: there's not enough violence on TV! Man, everything on TV sucks. It's hard to explain how bad it is. To help you get the idea, imagine a fat, blistered, zit covered ass. Now keep that image in your head for 6 hours. That's what it's like to watch TV.

Okay, that was bad, I apologize. Anyway, we need more violence on TV, because what's on now is weak. Nobody wants to watch 'Friends,' with some asshole that calls himself "Chandler" or whatever the hell his name is. That's bullshit. I say we have a show where it's just a guy that runs over people.

What's that? You say that's a lame idea? Oh.. well I say "go to hell."

So anyway, back to my car idea. This guy runs over people because he feels like he should give back to the community by cutting down its population.

If we had a few shows like Rambo on TV all the time, things would be a lot better. All those dipshits bitching about violence having an adverse affect on youth need to pull their heads out of their ass. Violence builds character, everyone needs violence every once in a while to keep them in check. We don't want to raise a nation of wimps. I'm too tired to continue this bullshit.

Jokes to play on people in the hospital!

Know someone in the hospital? Do they seem low in spirit and depressed? Why not try some of these pranks to cheer them up?!

Go up to someone on life support and distract them. Talk about anything: business, sports, any such useless subject matter will do. Then while they're not paying attention, unplug their life support unit! Twirl the cord in your hand with a nonchalant look on your face. Say "Oh.. I'm sorry, do you need this? I'm not going to plug it back in until you smile." Then plug it back in and say "Just kidding, HAHAH" Unplug it again and repeat. They'll die of laughter.

If you're in a hospital emergency room and you see a family that's distressed over the condition of someone they brought with them, try this prank to cheer them up! First, find a white doctor's jacket and a clipboard if you can. Put the jacket on and make a serious expression on your face. Then go up to the family in the emergency room and say "I'm sorry I have to tell you this, but it doesn't look like he's going to make it.." Wait a few minutes to let it to sink in (grab a bite to eat, watch some TV). Then, if you remember, go up to the family and say "Just kidding! I'm not a doctor. HAHAH" Everyone will get a good laugh.

How about some mental ward mayhem?! Try this to cheer up your insane buddies: First, stop by a gag store and buy some fake blood. Then go to see your friend in the mental ward (bring a knife). While you're talking to your friend, cover the knife in blood and drop it on the ground. Put some blood on your hand and run out into the hallway screaming "AHHH.. he slashed me!" They'll increase his supervision and won't allow him to see visitors anymore. Nobody will believe him when he says he didn't do it because he's crazy, and you two can have a good laugh together if he gets out.

Fun with the dead: make a recording of some moans and thumping, or someone saying "HELP! I'm still alive!", then put the recorder in the morgue department. Leave it on play and walk away. The hospital staff will have fun for hours tracing where the sound is coming from, and they'll all get a good laugh when they finally find the recorder.

Is someone you know anorexic? A good joke would be to tell them that they're fat. They'll laugh because anorexic people aren't fat. HAHAH

How about some baby swapping? Always a good joke to play is swapping babies in then nursery room. When the parents find out 20 years down the line, they'll all laugh.

Let me know if you try any of these pranks.

Quotes That Are Ruining The World

I hate quotes. People these days seem to take quotes by famous people, and make them their life mottos. That's bullshit. I'm talking about the following quotes in particular:

Live life to the fullest: What a crock. I hear this one time and time again, usually from some jackass that's not willing to take responsibility for his actions. I'm sure whoever said it didn't intend for people to take it literally. By the "live life to the fullest" doctrine, people have done all sorts of stupid things. Things like experimentation with drugs, animals, and sex with furniture. Sick bastards. The bottom line is that if you try to live life to the fullest, you will die. Instantly. Stop screwing around or you will get killed.

Cheaters never prosper: BULLSHIT. At least 90% of cheaters prosper. Those cheating bastards get by the system every time. There was a whore in one of my computer science classes that didn't do any assignments, failed all the exams, but still passed the class because she was sleeping around with all the TA's. It's a repeating cycle perpetuated by corrupt administration and slacker kids that aren't willing to put forth the effort it takes to pass. They should all be shot.

Be happy with what you have: Basically this is saying that people shouldn't have goals. Not that they should, but c'mon. You and I know it's bullshit. If you have nothing, or nothing that makes you happy, then what? You're supposed to be happy with nothing? Bah.. sounds like shit to me.

Hard work brings success: WRONG. Kissing ass and sleeping around brings success. Nobody cares how hard you work as long as you stimulate their ego. Hard work usually gets forgotten and goes unnoticed. There's always some sucker out there that's getting the raw deal in hopes of moving up. It's not going to happen, you might as well quit. Stop trying.

I'm not afraid of anything: Yeah, whatever. This is usually muttered by a short dipshit with a Napoleon complex. Listen you little bitch, you're a frail little coward afraid of everything. End your campaign of arrogance and admit that you're a wuss. I'm sick of people who say they're not afraid of anything. If they truly weren't, then they'd be dead. There's nothing to fear, remember? So why don't they kill themselves and confirm their theory. Worthless.

[notallthere]

Whered you cut and paist all this crap from?

[notallthere]

Whered you cut and paist al this crap from?

[shlonger]

an e-mail that was sent to me... there's a website for this guy, but i'll get it to you later. I don't know it off the top of my head.

Also, u might have received an e-mail of pictures drawn by little kids, which in turn, are critiqued by this same guy. One of the funniest e-mails i've ever read. I'll forward that to you. PM me your e-mail add.

[notallthere]

ah hhaa funny shit