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Shlonger's guide for those contemplating suicide


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Thinking about suicide but you're not sure if it's the right thing to do? Here are some tips to help you decide whether or not killing yourself is a good choice:

1. Do you live at home but your parents are always making you clean your room and/or do your homework? It's a sure sign that they don't love you and that they want you to kill yourself. Why else would they make you clean your room? What are they going to do next, ground you? Make you wear braces? Don't kid yourself, the message is clear.

2. If you just got out of a bad relationship and you feel like things are never going to get better; you're right. Everyone knows that suicide is the only option, stop procrastinating. Look on the bright side, at least your ex will feel guilty for a couple of minutes--but don't count on it.

3. Depressed? Don't have any friends? I guess nobody told you, but being depressed and feeling lonely isn't normal. Everyone else is happy, and has lots of friends so there must be something wrong with you. Put the prozac away, what you need is rat poison.

4. Spill a drink at a party? Drop a plate of food in a restaurant? Nobody else has to live with that kind of embarrassment; you know what you have to do.

5. Flunked out of college? Don't know algebra? Here's a question you should know the answer to: Flunked out of college + Don't know algebra = Time for _____. Chances are you still don't know the answer, so here's a hint: it starts with an 'S' and ends in 'UICIDE'.

6. Traffic jam? Sometimes bad luck isn't a coincidence. Do you really want to sit in traffic for another half hour? Look on the bright side, if you're a viking you'll be going to Valhalla. Then again, you're probably not, but eternal damnation in hell is probably the next best thing.

7. Telemarketers keep calling? It's easier to hang yourself than to get rid of a telemarketer, am I wrong? If you're lucky, Home Depot might be having a sale on rope. After all, you don't want to die letting people think you weren't frugal.

8. Flu? You realize that there's no cure for the flu, right? Well, no cure that doesn't involve painting the wall with your brains.

9. Flat tire? Do I have to spell it out for you?

10. Do you spend your time reading every post on this site? You're a loser, and have too much free time on your hands. What's that? You're at work, and have nothing to do. This site helps you pass the time? That's because they won't give you anything to do because they recognize you are as sharp as a basketball. Sign your donor card, camp out in the corner of your garage, turn the car on, and connect a hose from the muffler to your nose.

11. College application get rejected? Take the hint.

Hope you found this post helpful... mention it in your suicide note. On second thought, why bother? Nobody will read it.

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to think this kid never touched alchohol or a drug in his life. i'm beginning to think that all the drugs never really fucked me up that much. maybe it's just the jersey air in general that causes our delusional train of thought. who knows though?..it could be the chemicals they use to make tissues and toilet paper soft. i wonder if high-ranking government officials use toilet paper to be on the safe side. someone should check that out.

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to think this kid never touched alchohol or a drug in his life. i'm beginning to think that all the drugs never really fucked me up that much. maybe it's just the jersey air in general that causes our delusional train of thought. who knows though?..it could be the chemicals they use to make tissues and toilet paper soft. i wonder if high-ranking government officials use paper towels to be on the safe side. someone should check that out.

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