this is officially the worst day of my life

[adeliz01]

Does anyone have a really funny joke to tell me or anything?

[vicman]

have you heard the one about the chicken, the nun, and the squeezable bottle of grape jelly?

work?

[shadygroovedc]

Just think. No matter how bad it seems, it could be worse. You could be George Acosta.

[cookiegirl]

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.â€

The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!â€

The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!â€

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.â€

[crank47]

Frank goes hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices....either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept to the latter.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it took several months

before Frank finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

-----------

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.

"Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Huh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your

brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you moron, it's Tony Blair!"

[Kuro]

I'd really like to see Collin Powell call someone a "dumb cracker".

[ez-e]

Ok, so try to answer this question before looking at the answer!

What is hairy on the outside, but moist on the inside?

:) :)

A: a coconut!

Hope that made you a least smile adelis01!!!

[Guest jroo]

i hpoe things get better for ya!

hey ez-e welcome to the board, next time space out the answer, i really wanted to guess on that. oh well.

[mysteriousss]

One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about

agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm

equipment. She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture

of class?" she asks.

Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of

course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in

mind and picks Suzy. "What is this Suzy?". "Its a rake". "Very

good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points

at the next picture.

Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts up her

hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny. "That's a

pitchfork" says little Anne. "Very good, now can anyone tell me

what this is?" the teacher asks once more. Dead silence, only one

student has their hand up, and of course it's little Johnny.

Seeming as though no one else was volunteering, the teacher asked

Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?".

All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer. "UH,

UH, its a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel."

"No Johnny, this isn't a shovel. This is a hoe".

"What?!?! My sister's a hoe, and she doesn't look nutin' like

that!!"

[mysteriousss]

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb" The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says "Buckwheat is dumb"

Now spell "stupid". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla say my dictate good!"

[mysteriousss]

Yes, I was really bored today LOL..

A High School student in Oakland, California, received a homework assignment in his Ebonics Class. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what he did:

1. Rectum...I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both.

2. Hotel...I gave my girlfriend the crabs, and the hotel everybody.

3. Odyssey..I tol' my bro, you odyssey the jugs on dis hoe.

4. Stain...My mother-in-law axed if I was stain fo dinner again.

5. Seldom...My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I seldom.

6. Penis...I went to a doctor and he gave a cup and said penis.

7. Catacomb...Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, somebody give that catacomb.

8. Foreclose...If I pay alimony this month I'll have no money foreclose.

9. Undermine...There a fine lookin' hoe in the apartment undermine.

10. Disappointment...My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the bighouse.

11. Income...I jus' got in bed wit de hoe, and income my wife.

12. Honor...At the rape trial, the judge axed my bro' who be honor first?

13. Fortify...I axed the hoe how much, and she say fortify.

14. Israel...Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex; I said man, that looks fake; he say, no, Israel.

[kramadas]

Originally posted by crank47

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.

"Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Huh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your

brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you moron, it's Tony Blair!"

:laugh: :rofl:

[kramadas]

Hope you feel better Ad!

[tinybutterfli]

I'm sorry you are having a shitty day Ad!

[adeliz01]

You guys rock!!! You totally made me laugh.........I have to say that Cookie Girl's was my favorite.... I just imagined the last girl saying with a deadpan face "No...you don't understand" hahaha!

[Guest jroo]

Originally posted by adeliz01

You guys rock!!! You totally made me laugh.........I have to say that Cookie Girl's was my favorite.... I just imagined the last girl saying with a deadpan face "No...you don't understand" hahaha!

well if you liked that one, then i have one for you. i got to type it though, give me a minute.

[Guest jroo]

ok here goes

So this couple is lying in bed one Saturday morning. When the husband decides that he really wants to go hunting. He turns to his wife and says “honey, you want to go hunting with me, today?†The wife doesn’t want to go. So she says “No, honey, I don’t really feel like it today.†The old man says “Dang nabit woman, you never want to do anything I want to do, but you drag Me all over the damn place!! Alright, here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re either gonna go hunting with me, Take it in the ass, or suck my dick!!! I’m gonna go walk the dog, when I get back you better be ready to do one of those three things!!!!!†So the man gets dressed and takes the dog out for his morning walk. When he gets back, his wife is still lying in bed. The husband says “alright, so, what’s it gonna be? Hunting, ass, or my cock in your mouth?†the wife says “well, I don’t really want to go hunting, and I definitely don’t want to take it in the ass this early in the morning, so, I guess that I’ll suck your dick.†The man says “alright then†he drops drawers. His wife starts to go down on him when all of a sudden she stops. A look of pure disgust on her face, like she’s gonna puke, and says “OH MY GOD!!! YOUR DICK TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!!!!!!†her eyes are tearing, its horrible. Then the man says with a sheepish smile “well the dog didn’t want to go hunting either.â€