Jotd -- Let's Restart This Baby!

[~surreal~]

A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney, Texas suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two cowboys at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller? asked one of the cowboys.

The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'

With that, the first cowboy walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again.

The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his Lone Star beer.

His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

[weyes]

rock on with the "joke of the day"! you know i'm all about a daily ! can anyone provide the day's joke or is it your pleasure (and responsibility ) ?

p.s. ~surreal~ - you never answered my "ferry corsten at spundae" thread; what did you think? and welcome back !

http://bbs.clubplanet.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=1432298#post1432298

[~surreal~]

Now, now, don't hold me to this...keeping up w/ the JOTD thread comes w/ a lot of responsibility...I'm not sure I can take that on right now. But I definitely welcome submissions.

[~surreal~]

Courtesy of Vaughnblue (I know you're lurking )

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the

early morning

hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was

drunker the night

before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying,

“I drove

straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got

through the door, I

blew chunks.

The second said, You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into

my car and

wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have

insurance!

The third proclaimed, Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I

got home, I

got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and

burned the

whole house down!

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out

again, Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my

dog.

[weyes]

disturbing one, ~surreal~ . rock on .

[~surreal~]

[weyes]

all my jokes are hella stale, ~surreal~, but since there isn't one up for today, i'll put this one up .

Q. what can't you eat for breakfast?

A. lunch and dinner!

[~surreal~]

hee hee

since i double posted at the inception of this thread, i figured i had a grace period of one day before my next post.

[weyes]

Originally posted by ~surreal~

hee hee

since i double posted at the inception of this thread, i figured i had a grace period of one day before my next post.

sorry - i didn't mean to press or anything . it's all good .

[~surreal~]

Originally posted by weyes

sorry - i didn't mean to press or anything . it's all good .

hee hee, i didn't think you were pressing. i was joking about the one day grace period.

[~surreal~]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back

and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssombody stole my car" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

It wasss at the end of thiss key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's unit is hanging out of

his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without

missing a beat, blurts out-

"SON OF A BITCH ----- THEY GOT MY GIRLFRIEND, TOO!

[weyes]

[cubbie78]

Three guys die and are trying to get into heaven. St. Peter tells them that since heaven is getting a little crowded, the only way tey can get in is if they died a horrible death.

The first guy tells St. Peter:

"One day I called my wife at lunch and a guy answered the phone. Now, despite the fact that I have a bad heart, I ran all the way home and up the stairs to the 25th floor where my apartment is. I busted open the door and there was my wife, naked on the bed and I could smell the sex in the room, but I couldn't find the guy. I went out on the balconey and there hanging from the handrail was a man. So I grabbed the iron and smashed his hands. He fell down all 25 stories but landed in bushes and lived, so I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it on top of him and killed him. But then i was so excited that I had a heart-attack and here I am now."

St. Peter nodded his head and went to the second man:

"I live on the 26th floor of a building and every morning I do excercises on the balconey. Today, while doing jumping jacks, I fell over the handrail and caught onto the 25th floor handrail. Then some guy smashed my hands with an iron and I thought for sure I was dead. Luckily I landed in some bushes, but just as I thought that...BAM, a refrigerator landed on my head, and here I am."

St. Peter nodded and moved onto the third guy who said:

"Alright, picture this. I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

[bobadrinker]

Here's an old one....

A drunk runs ouf of money after drinking all day in a bar. He pleads to the bartender: " Please give me another drink. I'll do anything"

The bartender ponders for a moment and said "Alright. There are 2 things that needs to be done around here. See that room in the east wing? There's a tiger in with a bad tooth. He's been in a lot of pain and is really viscious. I want you to go in there and extract the tooth. Then in the west wing you'll find a room with a 90 year old hag. She's about to pass, but is still a virgin. I want you to go in and best sex of her life. Do those two things and I'll give you your drinks."

The drunk happily agrees, and wobbles into the east wing room. Rumble ensues, followed by growling and wreckage.

Half hour later, the drunk walks out of the room, shirt torn, bruises all over, and bloody and askes the bartender " So where's the hold hag with the bad tooth?"

[~surreal~]

hee hee

[weyes]

Originally posted by cubbie78

Three guys die and are trying to get into heaven..."Alright, picture this. I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

:laugh:

[cubbie78]

A piano player walks into an upscale bar in order to audition for a lounge act. He plays his first song for the owner and the owner was impressed.

Owner: "That was incredible! What was the name of that song?"

Piano player: "Bend the bitch over and fuck her like a dog."

The owner was surprised at the title, however since the piano player was so incredible, he asked for another song. This time the owner was even more impressed.

Owner: "That was even better. What was that song called"

Piano Player: "Suck my cock like a lollipop."

Again the owner was surprised at the title, however he decides to give the piano player the job on one condition: the piano player can't tell any of the customers the titles of his songs.

The first night the piano player worked, everything was going smoothly. Every time someone asked him the title of the song, he simply smiled back at them.

When it came time for his break, he decided to pay a visit to the men's room. As he walked out, a customer said to him:

Customer: "Hey buddy, do you know your fly is down and your dick is hanging out of your pants?"

And the piano player replied: "Know it...I wrote it!"

[weyes]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better with computers. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mails. They sent out e-mails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."

[bobadrinker]

:laugh:

Originally posted by weyes

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."

[cubbie78]

A priest is in a confessional giving confessions one Saturday afternoon when all of a sudden, he realized that he needed to take a really bad dump. So he asked the janitor to sit in for him. He told the janitor that all the sins were written in the back of the bible with the penance next to them...so all the janitor had to do was find the sin, and give out the penance.

The first person came in to the confessional and told the janitor that they stole money. The janitor looked up stealing and told the person to say 3 hail mary's.

The next person told the janitor that they lied. The janitor looked up lying, and told the person to say 5 Our Father's.

Finally a woman walked in and told the janitor that she had anal sex with someone other than her husband. the janitor searched and searched, but couldn't find anal sex in the list of sins. So he excused himself for one minute, and went up to one of the altarboys and asked:

"Hey, really quick, what does father give for anal sex?"

The altar boy responded:

"Two candy bars and a coke!"

[~surreal~]

>> A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink

>> and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The

>> monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some

>> sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs

one

>> of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's

>> amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

>>

>> The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your

monkey

>> just did?"

>>

>> The guy says "No, what?"

>>

>> He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

>>

>> "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats

>> everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue

>> ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the

>> stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

>>

>> Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with

>> him.

>>

>> He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar

>> again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a

>> maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,

>> pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and

again

>> sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

>>

>>

>>

>> The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now?"

>> he asks.

>>

>> "No, what?" replies the guy.

>>

>> "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,

>> pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

>>

>> Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still

>> eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue

>> ball, he measures everything first."

[weyes]

nice ones today, cubbie and ~surreal~ !!!

[weyes]

a man comes home and finds his wife having sex with another man.

"what are you doing????????" he yells, shocked.

"see?" the woman says to her new lover, "i told you he was stupid."

[weyes]

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.

"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has died.

"No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."

[weyes]

A man walks into a bar and hears quiet voices saying:

"Nice hat."

"Nice shirt."

"Nice tie."

"Nice coat."

After finding a seat, the man asks the bartender what that is.

"Oh," the bartender says, "those are the complimentary peanuts."

let's see some more jokes, people! you're making me resort to posting ones from my 10-year-old sister !!!