Five stages of...

[bobadrinker]

please forgive if I've posted this. I was probably in stage 1, going on to stage 2

FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every

subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to

pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you

are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very

wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are

CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE

This is when you realize that you are the most

ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go

up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want

to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to

this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in

the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a

bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you

are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't

matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for

everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most

ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and

everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This

is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to

the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of

wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as

being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE

than they are anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point

you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a

table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in

the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same

reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can

walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one

can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the

words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the

headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have

lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate

on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for

a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom

mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become

even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you

bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so

much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately

you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave while shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are

about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last

you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no

idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the

possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point.

Alternatively, your pocket could have been picked or you might have given

the taxi driver $150 by mistake. Rationalizing that you couldn't possibly

have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to

believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night

and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE

As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem

plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel

liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS

This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately,

everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great

distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by

making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE

to hit them, too POOR to bribe them, and too UGLY to hide.