phatman Posted December 10 Report Share Posted December 10 Holiday Eating Tips1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffettable knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you seecarrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rumballs.2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-maltscotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. Youcan't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who caresthat it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going toturn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Haveone for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point ofgravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out ofyour mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk orwhole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sportscar with an automatic transmission.5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to controlyour eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eatother people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and NewYear's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling thebuffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat ofeggnog.7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, likefrosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, positionyourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can beforebecoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair ofshoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Alwayshave three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? LaborDay?9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with themandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, havesome standards.10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the partyor get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Rereadtips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deepspell Posted December 10 Report Share Posted December 10 fuckin whack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phatman Posted December 10 Author Report Share Posted December 10 ....sorry, maybe if i somehow linked it to your up and coming internet radio show it wouldve been better........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deepspell Posted December 10 Report Share Posted December 10 ....sorry, maybe if i somehow linked it to your up and coming internet radio show it wouldve been better........i would read that shit on the air :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phatman Posted December 10 Author Report Share Posted December 10 ....let's try this......CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the breweryand all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, theymight be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say tomyself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams cometrue than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."~ Henny Youngman~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~Stephen Wright ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."~ Benjamin Franklin~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind isbeer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but thewheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!~ "Unknown"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move asfast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is theslowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This naturalselection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed andhealth of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of theweakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operateas fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as weknow, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest andweakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beereliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and moreefficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a fewbeers." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.