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Holiday Eating Tips ( a bit cheesey but fuck it)

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Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet

table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see

carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt

scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You

can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares

that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to

turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have

one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of

gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of

your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or

whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports

car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control

your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat

other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New

Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.

This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the

buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of


7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like

frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position

yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before

becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of

shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,

if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always

have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor


9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the

mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have

some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party

or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread

tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

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....let's try this......



"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery

and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they

might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to

myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come

true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~

Stephen Wright


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is

beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the

wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry



~ "Unknown"


Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as

fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the

slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural

selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and

health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the

weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate

as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we

know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and

weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer

eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more

efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few


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