*Stages of HANGOVERS*

[shadowchaser]

ONE-STAR HANGOVER:

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and will still be just as thirsty. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop.

TWO-STAR HANGOVER:

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try to remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rooty-tooty-fresh-and-fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can do is surf porn on the Net and write junk e-mails.

THREE-STAR HANGOVER:

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and not very productive. Any time a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples, two Gatorades and a Diet Coke-and STILL haven't taken a piss.

FOUR-STAR HANGOVER:

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing, and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that it took you three times as long to get dressed...and you missed several spots while trying to shave with one eye still closed. For girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following:

1. the clock to strike 6 p.m.;

2. the entire appetizer list from TGI Fridays; or

3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

FIVE STAR HANGOVER, aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell:

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee three cubicles away. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry, but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body and make you puke in the process. Death seemspretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even take the time to yell at you.You would have called in sick, but you used the last available sick time two weeks ago for the exact same thing. All you can manage to do is bitch about your state-which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were,what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. If you're lucky enough to be still at home, the only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a smaller hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispies treats.

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halcyon...on...on...

shadowchaser076@aol.com

[j303j]

i have the four star hangover every weekend all weekend. i have to stop being such a lush.

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And i think to myself what a wonderful world!!!!

AOL J303J

[nickijay]

ha ha!! know all of those well.....and j300300330j, you say that but it's not gonna happen. take it from a bonafide lush.....

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Boink like a bunny!!!

uknj@aol.com

[mysteriousss]

Hangovers are the worst!

[j303j]

i know it's never gonna happen. i love my guiness to much.

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And i think to myself what a wonderful world!!!!

AOL J303J