How To Be A Superstar Dj

[lruellan]

I found this fairly amusing article on a webpage. Check it out (scroll down to the article #3, or read below) ...

http://www.djrecess.co.uk/extrastuff.html

So, I've noticed a few things.

As a DJ, there seems to be a lot of ways to draw attention to yourself. One of my favorite methods is to actually be talented at what you do. Being able to mix more than two tracks at once, knowing how to use a sampler in the booth, knowing what key a song is in and having a really innovative sense of rhythm can get you gigs all over the place. There is a difference, however, between just gigging and being a really famous Superstar DJ.

I've worked with a lot of different DJs: some already famous, some just starting out who ended up getting famous. Among them, I've noticed common threads of behavior that contributed to their greatness. Be advised, however, that these steps are just suggestions. Just because they worked for some, does not mean they'll will work for you.

(Personally, I neither endorse nor understand these practices, so proceed at your own discretion. Moreover, it's only slander if it's made up, so anyone recognizing themselves should bare that in mind before suing me and, on top of that, if you drag me into court, I'm just going to end up telling more of the stupid shit you've done.) Okay, here goes. There are three general categories each with several steps.

I. DEVELOP A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR AUDIENCE

People won't come and you won't get paid the big bucks unless everybody thinks you're cool.

1. Stop playing in the middle of a set

This is best done when you have a really full house. Find something to get mad over and rip the needle off the turntable and just walk out. Popular excuses are: too many ugly people on the dance floor, you've just been told that someone else at another club is playing a bootleg re-mix you did, someone has been sleeping with your girlfriend, you're coming down off your drugs and your dealer is the in that bathroom with someone else or your bodyguard is drunk again and won't go on stage.

2. Play the worst music when the most people are there

Never mind that you've packed the place with $30-a-head customers. They don't understand music anyway and who cares if they're funding your gig? If you're not in the mood to perform step one, this is the next best thing. Rip out a set of the most dissonant, obscure, scratching, skipping vinyl you can find. If you don't want to deal with all that mixing and choosing, just play a 45-minute loop of the "Theme From Mission Impossible." People love this and will just think you're being brilliant.

3. Embarrass people by shining a spotlight on them

This trick requires an elevated booth above the crowd. Don't worry, though. Once you're famous, club owners will build this for you. They already know they have to do it, so it's just one of the cool things you're going to get if you follow my advice. You will also need a victim. This is easier than you think. Simply identify someone with whom you have an illogical grudge. If you don't want to be bothered by this, just pick a random person who's looks you don't like and shine a really strong spotlight in their face all night. The person will either be flattered or annoyed. Either way, you're golden. If they try to come into your booth to either meet you or kick your ass, don't let them in. This trick is also a good setup for step one, above. Make sure you hurl this light from your booth into the middle of the crowd before you storm out. In the event you hurt someone, I suggest you have someone else ready to blame.

4. Don't spin, play a DAT

Get all sorts of complexities going at your station: three turn tables, a CD, a sampler and a drum pad. Work f*****shly over all this, but make sure there's a mixed DAT someone else did running through the mixer. You're probably going to have to pull a 12-hour set, so these little breaks keep you fresh. This is also a good time to throw everybody out of the booth and go do a rain dance in your private bathroom with the dizzy blonde of the evening.

II. DO REMIXES AND GET IN GOOD WITH THE LABELS

This is absolutely paramount. Spinning records is not enough. Unless you're putting things out with your name on it, you'll never be a Superstar.

1. Charge $40k for a re-mix and get some kid to do it for you for $800.

This is used by some of the best in the business and can help you out a lot if you are not really a producer. Since you are going to be expected to re-mix, you'd better start finding someone to do it for you now. They should know what kind of music you spin and should be able to imitate this. You get to keep the big markup, and the kid won't bitch if you give him work on a steady basis. Don't give him too much, though. If he can actually eat regularly, he might start doing stuff on his own and leave you. Also make sure his name appears nowhere on the actual record. This could backfire on you in a hurry.

2. If you really like something, bootleg it.

Pretend you're Jonathan Peters and pretend you see a label owner in a club. You can pretend it's me if you want. Go up to him and tell him you really like one of his unreleased tracks -- hypothetically, say, Rickie Lee Jones. Ask him if you can give it a test spin on your radio mix show. This is important because it gives you credibility, and he will be less likely to suspect something sneaky. When he agrees, get over to his apartment the very next day and burn a DAT. When you get back to your house, make a mixed tape and sell it all over the place. If you want to press up some vinyl, call Down town 121 in New York. They'll do it for you. This is a good inexpensive way to make money and burn someone's track at the same time. Just in case the label owner is not mad enough, wait until he's at your club and play the track really sped-up. Rickie will sound like a chipmunk, and the record company will love you forever. If you don't want to go this route, get your hands on some one's Nanci Griffith acapellas and give them to Julian Marsh. He'll do a cheesy remix and stick it on a gay compilation. I can't promise he'll pay you, but it might be worth a shot.

3. Start some gossip at Warner Brothers.

Do a remix for somebody and get paid for it, preferably a record they are in the process of licensing from Warner Brothers. Then go back to them and do another. This time, hand in some shit that's out of time and sounds like two different radio stations playing at once. Get paid for that too, but tell the label you're getting evicted (and get a check made out directly to your landlord) promising to redo the record you just fucked up. Now, here's the most important part: don't redo the record. Right? You've already been paid. This puts you in a really cool position, because you can call Warner Brothers and say you never got paid for the first mix and are going to sue them if they issue the license to the dance label. If you don't want to use your own name, say you're Jerome Farley. If you don't know who to call at Warner Brothers, try Steve Lau at Kinetic Records. He's in the phone book, and I hear he'll make sure the word gets around.

4. Run an ad that Dolly Parton is going to be at your club.

This is best done before the re-mix is even finished. It will draw a lot of people and it's surely to get back to Dolly. That way she'll think the label is fucking with her and won't come when she really should.

5. Play the shit out of a track as soon as you're done re-mixing it.

Realize that release dates are sometimes months after recording is completed. This is important for a label because PR campaigns have to be coordinated. Magazines have long lead times. Artists might want to tour, so that also has to be considered. If you put a track on heavy rotation the minute you leave the studio, everybody will be sick to death of it by the time they can actually buy it.

6. Start rumors about the label owner so other DJs won't like him.

A good way to do this is put the word out that the label owner said "Danny Tenaglia looks like a goat" when all they really said was they had a dream he was guarding a gate from goats. While you're picking on Danny, have him tossed out if he comes to hear your set. It's much easier to pick a childish rivalry than to consider that he might just want to hear you spin. It also contributes to making yourself look important, which I shall address later.

7. Show up at label owner's apartment at meal time.

Dinner is best. Chances are he'll be going out to eat and will invite you because he wants you to do a re-mix. It's also good to bring a lot of people with you. If you don't know anyone who's hungry, give Roger Sanchez a call. He usually has a entourage and loves to eat. This also puts the label in a good mood for when you tell them you're going to need $20k up front to start the mix and another $20k upon completion.

III. MAKE YOURSELF FEEL IMPORTANT

This is good for everybody, even if you're not a DJ.

1. Start your own label.

After you get famous on the stuff everybody else has paid for, take some of that money and start a label. It doesn't matter if you have no distribution or never release anything. You can sign other people's material and never release it. It ties up their track and makes sure they'll never be any competition to you. Also, you can raise the price of your own remixes because you've now got an exclusive contract with your own phony label.

2. Threaten to have people beat up.

This starts a lot of talk on the streets and makes it look like you have Mafia connections. It will also keep other nosey DJs out of your club and from stealing your secrets.

3. Inform your answering service, "If Madonna Calls, I'm Not Here."

This is pretty safe because you haven't worked with her in years; she's not speaking to you anymore and she won't be calling anyway. What the hell? You can also leave a bunch of her paraphernalia strewn around your booth so people will think the two of you are best buds. It's a big name, so might as well exploit it and go sell some records.

Okay, this should get you started. In no way is this a complete list of everything you have to do to be a Superstar DJ. Like I said before, be careful. Know too, how to do a lot of other things like:

* HOW TO RUN A RECORD LABEL INTO THE GROUND

* HOW TO BE A NIGHT CLUB OWNER AND NOT SPEND TOO MUCH TIME IN JAIL

* HOW TO EAT ENOUGH JELLY BABIES TO HALLUCINATE or "POKEMON: FRIEND OR FOE?"

* HOW TO REINVENT CHER AFTER MORE THAN A DECADE OF MUSICAL OBSCURITY

* HOW TO BE A BITCH DIVA

* HOW TO WASTE A LOT OF MONEY YOU'LL NEVER RECOUP

* HOW SEXUAL FAVORS CAN GET YOU A GOOD WRITE UP IN BILLBOARD

* HOW TO SNEAK INTO THE ARISTA GRAMMY PARTY

* HOW TO DEVELOP A HORNY FOLLOWING OF CLUB SLUTS

* HOW TO THROW A CELEBRITY PARTY AND GET YOUR DESIGNER CLOTHES STOLEN

Tell everyone your opinion!

[BKDJ]

Ol Skewl

[djkevinj]

i found that amusing