Kamikaze1414779018 Posted July 14 Report Share Posted July 14 Dear Alcohol,First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a hugefan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to bethere when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, abeer at the game, and you're even around in theholidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us whenwe're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.However, lately I've been wondering about yourintentions. While I want to believe that you have mybest interests at heart, I feel that your influencehas led to some unwise consequences:1. Phone calls: While I agree with you thatcommunication is important,I question the suggestionthat any conversation of substance or necessity takesplace after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call thoseex's when I know for a fact they do not want to hearfrom me during the day, let alone all hours of thenight?2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but whydo you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce,along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit atafter a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm aneclectic eater, but I think you went too far thistime.3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell methat I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, Isee NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me tofall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously thenext day are beyond me. Similarly, it should nevertake me more than 45 seconds to get the front door keyinto the lock.4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. Thisis getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for ourprevious evening's debauchery may be in order, but the3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. Myentire day is shot. I ask that, if the properprecautions are taken (water, vitamin B, breadproducts, aspirin) prior to going to slee p/passingout face down on the kitchen floor with a bag ofpopcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no wayinterfere with my daily activities.Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some yearsnow & would like to ensure that we remain on goodterms. You've been the invoker of great stories, theprovocation for much laughter, and the neededcompanion when I just don't know what to do with theextra money in my pockets.In order to continue this friendship, I ask that youcarefully review my grievances above & address themimmediately. I will look for an answer no later thanFriday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible replyThank you,Your biggest fanP.S.THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Innovative2. Preliminary3. Proliferation4. CinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Specificity2. British Constitution3. Passive-aggressive disorderTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHENDRUNK:1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.2. Nope, no more beer for me.3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me singOn that note: I feel sorry for people who don't drink.They wake up in the morning and that's the best theyare going to feel all day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest swirlundergrounder Posted July 14 Report Share Posted July 14 Didn't Level post this a few weeks back? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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