Dear Alcohol ....

[Kamikaze1414779018]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge

fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be

there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a

beer at the game, and you're even around in the

holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when

we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your

intentions. While I want to believe that you have my

best interests at heart, I feel that your influence

has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that

communication is important,I question the suggestion

that any conversation of substance or necessity takes

place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those

ex's when I know for a fact they do not want to hear

from me during the day, let alone all hours of the

night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why

do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce,

along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips

(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit at

after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an

eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this

time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me

that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I

see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to

fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black

& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the

next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never

take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key

into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This

is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our

previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the

3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My

entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper

precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread

products, aspirin) prior to going to slee p/passing

out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of

popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way

interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years

now & would like to ensure that we remain on good

terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the

provocation for much laughter, and the needed

companion when I just don't know what to do with the

extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you

carefully review my grievances above & address them

immediately. I will look for an answer no later than

Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible reply

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN

DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

On that note: I feel sorry for people who don't drink.

They wake up in the morning and that's the best they

are going to feel all day.

[Guest swirlundergrounder]

Didn't Level post this a few weeks back?