I need a hug

[mrdick]

My life is shit. I am finding out that a lot of things that I thought I was handling ok I was in fact not handling at all. Karma has come to pay me a visit and it has not been kind. In general my life is all gone to shit and I am sad.

To top it all off I think that I just lost a friend who meant a lot to me. It was all my fault - trust me. I not only did something stupid but I really had not been offering much to the friendship. Sometimes we are takers without realizing it. So I don't really want anyone to feel sorry for me because everything is self-inflicted.

At this point I'm pretty alone up here in frozen Canadian Capital so I'm hoping that one of my board buddies can say something, anything to cheer me up. What I really need is a big hug and someone to tell me it will all be OK eventually. But since that is not gonna happen some virtual sympathy will have to do.

[dee_licious]

awwww cheer up sweetie, itll be ok!! ::::::::::: MUAH!

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AIM: DeeLicious8P

Even if we never talk again after tonight, please remember that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you meant to me.

The future is uncertain, but the end is always near- Jim Morrison

Long you live and high you fly, smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry, all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be

[mrdick]

Thanks Dee - you're the best

[orchid21]

hi ( i still dont know your name ) and i feel funny say mrdick in this situation

well here it goes, first of all if you feel like you are losing your close friend.....DONT GIVE UP!!!!... you havent lost her/him yet. do whatever you can to keep that friend otherwise you will always wonder what if.... now, take it one day at a time, dont overwhelm yourself with things, you know eventually it always always works out for the better. i would give you a hug, but you are too far a way... keep your head up dont let it bring you down. you will be fine!!!!! we all have shit happening to us but eventually one fine day it all changes be strong xoxoxo orchid

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"Luna, thank you so much!"

[clubkat]

MRDICK! I love you mucho mucho!!!

ooooo child, things are gonna get easier....ooooo child, things are gonna get brighter!!!!!

smooches

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MEOW!

[djmoonshine]

awww dick... i'm so upset to hear that you're down... i'm kinda down to myself... but this isn't abour me, IT'S ABOUT YOU!!! listen to orchid... she's right. don't let your friend end the friendship without a fight... sure you may have fucked up, but we all fuck up... thats part of life. at least you know it's your fault and you arent in denial, which is always a plus... with everything else, since there are no details, all i can say is that it may be shitty now, but it'll get better... lots and lots of hugs!!

~mOOnShine

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we are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams... wILLY wONKA~

the secret of being a bore is to tell everything ~vOLTAIRE

[imnikki]

Hey honey.. ive missed you , and actually was a bit concerned when I didn't see you posting..

Happy to see your words again, but sad due to their content.

Sweetie.. Let me tell you. I have been thru so much in the past year, I dont know how I get up each day and function, but I do, and I stay strong..and with pride... I dont know why, but god has dealt me a hand that a professional card player couldnt make anything out of...It has been the hardest year of my life.. and belevie me,, there are times when I feel like you feel right now.. Karma is a fucked up thing.. It sneaks up on you.. BUT.. You need to realize.. that its always darkest right before it begins to get light... and sometimes things need to get worse before they get better. I try to keep this outlook, and realize that not everything in life is easy.. Sometimes fucked up things go down, etiher b/c theyre meant to go down.. or maybe god is testing our strengths and weaknesses.. I try not to focus so much on WHY.. instead i put my thoughts on what i can do to better things.. and basically.. I just deal w/ whatever is being given to me, as it comes, and I remember that no mattter what happens,.. someone out there takes it too seriously... I keep my head up, a smile on my face, and love in my heart.. and So far so good.. .. im makin it.. and you will to0.. This too shall pass honey..

Im here if ya need somone

(((((((((((((((MRDICKKKKKKK)))))))))))))

Hugs & Kisses 2 U!

MWAH!

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"I'm gone, you ain't worth tha tears

You lost tha best thing you ever had in ya life..a waste of my years"

"ouT 4 doL"

[dreamtemple]

Wish i could say something to help after you made me face facts recently. (cheers for that by the way! ~x~) But i don't know what to say to help. If only your friend could see the post and realise how much you care. but hang in there. hold on to the edge of life by your fingernails and eventually someone or something will come along to drag you back into the sunshine again. At least that's what I've found. Untill then I offer you a big cyber_kiss ~X~ and an even bigger cyber_hug ((((((((((((((mrdick))))))))))))))

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Top DJ line-ups, do not necessarily, a good party make.

Stay tuned,

Stay shiny,

Stay twisted

(C.o.t.U.C.)

[mrdick]

Thank you all so much.

My name is Wyatt, bye the way.

You guys are awesome. I was pretty bummed out and the only person I could call was not around. So in a fit of depression I put my call for help out on the board of all things. I felt kinda silly about posting afterwards - after all what can anyone on a BB really do to help me? But sometimes you need to talk to someone and it was my only outlet given that I am kind of a loner in Ottawa lately. Still I felt a little bad about posting.

Imagine my surprise when you guys really did cheer me up and make me feel better. I know that no one really knows each other, its all virtual, no one knows the circumstances, yada yada yada

But damned if reading this thread didn't make me feel a bit like I had a little virtual family. A lot of what you guys said made sense. More than that it just felt nice to have someone say nice things to and about me when you are deep into self-loathing because you have been a jerk. Thank you all so much I'll share my tale of woe and maybe you can help.

Its a weird situation where I am not sure if the friend is ignoring me permanently or temporarily. I went to a concert with her, call my friend T., and her boyfriend and some other friends. Included was a very nice girl that I had never met before, call her G. At my friends place I was kind of solitary, ignoring almost everyone and just doing one bong-hit after another. I was already in a funny mood. T. is a recent friend of mine - since June. We are very similar on an intellectual level and she understands me already better than anyone that I have ever met simply because she is almost as much of a freak as me. But since I have met her I have been slowly imploding. Partying too much, talking too much, just generally being annoying, pissing off friends and not listening to people or seeing the world the way it is. In short, already she has given me a great deal of support and been a shoulder to cry on. I have been a taker in the realtionship. And then I get to her place for the weekend (she lives in a different city and we know each other more by e-mail and phone than by meeting but have met at least 10 times)and I am not exactly personable. I kept to myself and didn't even talk to her too much. She knew I was being a bit freaky. I didn't really introduce myself to this mixed group of friends she had over (10+) and that was rude. I said about 1 word to G. in the 2-3 hours we were there.

When we went out and got to the club / rave G. started to flirt with me out of the blue and I flirted back. By the time the main DJ went on I was seriously rolling and so was everyone. But I had done more pills than everyone else and was in a weird mood to begin with. I have never, ever been someone who forgets things when I get messed up. But for some reason that night I was like in a dream. Supposedly some of the pills had E, speed, and heroin in it so maybe that is part of the problem. But I couldn't even remember like 5-10 minutes ago. By the morning I couldn't remember almost anything clealy.

So soon I'm running around like a maniac, dancing in front of the DJ booth, got my shirt off, etc... No one else is going quite as hard or crazy as I am except this G. girl. I remember giving her back rubs, dirty-dancing with her. At one point she licked my entire neck with an ice cube in her mouth. She did this to a couple of other guys we were with too. Anyways, I'm rambling now. To make a long story short I thought at the time and in the morning that everything was fine. I was even happy that this hot girl was attracted enough to want to get a little spicy with me. I remember mutual back rubs, and I kissed her neck with an ice cube in response, and some grinding into her butt and stuff. But never did I kiss her or grab tit or ass or anything. I just love to have a body to touch when I'm rolling and I thought she felt the same way. Wasn't gonna call ever her or anything.

Then I get to T's House at 8 am - I have to wait there until 11am so I can go to my buddy's house. She is watching a flick with her boyfriend and a house guest while they come down from the e(they left 2 hours before me and G. - she went home). I am still so wired. I wanna smoke herb but they say do it outside now because its the morning andtime to return the apt. to normal. Fine, I go outside twice. But I am really wired and I am just annoying them, T. in particular. She really just wants to chill and watch the flick and I'm on her computer, outside, inside, yapping. I even woke her up unwittingly when she actually managed to fall asleep on the couch. Then she got pissed and just went to her bed without saying anything. I went to my other buddy's shortly after,

Here is where it gets weird. I am thinking the whole night is awesome. But then, slowly, memories start coming back to me. I can't put them altogether but I'm getting the impression that maybe, just maybe G. did not welcome all my playing around as much as I thought. I have this little memory of T. saying that I should leave G. alone because tshe is coming down now. And another of G. and T. talking and staring at me.

So I e-mail T. she ignores me. I catch her on AIM and she says "nner" and clicks off. I assumed she meant "dinner" and forgot the "di" and had to go. So I e-mail about that. No response. 2 more e-mails, the final one 3 days ago just asking point-blank whetehr I did anything wrong and still ignoring me.

By last Tuesday I din't know what to do. I have never, ever been someone to disrespect women or touch them or paw them when they don't want to be touched. I was mortified at the thought of being like one of these juicers who just goes up behind girls at clubs.

So I sent this G. girl an e-mail. I had never met her before but I had seen her name on on a c.c. of one of T.'s joke e-mails so I found her address and sent one out of the blue. Just alittel "Hi. Had a wicked time. We will all have to do it again." I hoped that by the tone of her answer I could tell if something was remiss. But her tone was neutral. Said to call her whenever I was in town and she would love to party. But she could just have been being polite and not want to cause a stink. In my first e-mail I had said thatshe made a "welcome addition to our group". She responded to that saying that "I am glad that I was a welcome addition.... I wasn't sure if you thought so". I took that seriously and said "how could think you think that - if anything I welcomed you too much at least according to T." G. responds that T. "often protects her at clubs because she sometimes does get into trouble". But now I see that the original "I wasn't sure if you feltthat way co8uld have been sarcastic since it was sooo obvious I liked her". I am over-analysing and still confused

SO I still don't really know anything. Sounded like she wasn't bitter. But then I remembered that another friend had told me to chill out with her when we were at the club. I phone him and he says he remembers that and that I did chill after and that after that he went home so he can't say. He only said chill he said not because he thought I was necessarily uninvited but that you shouldn't roll and dirty dance with friends of friends whenever you just meet because if a misunderstanding happens its a big drama - do that on your own time he said. Wise and sage advice - too bad I didn't listen.

So I still don't know and no one can tell me. If two people had to say anything then clearly something was not right. And I remember more and more little things that make me suspicious about my behavior. But I just don't know - I still don't know. And its killing me. Last night after work I sent an e-mail, a short quick one, to G. saying that I could not remember but that I had suspicions that I was an ass and that if I was I apologize. I also said that I didn't expect to be forgiven or even replied too and I wouldn't ever bug her anymore. As of yet - no response from G. or T. and I am freaking.

A lot of words for a simple problem. I know that to many this might seem like no biggie and I am obsessing. But my pet peeve is guys who paw girls without getting the right ok verbally or from body language. Now I feel like a hypocrite and I just hate the thought of violating a chicks space like that. I am going totally mental.

I still can't really remember much. My suspicion is, if I had to guess, that at first evetrything was great. We were going up on e. This chick dug me and liked being rubbed and danced with. But that over time I kept doing it and and enough was enough. If I'd come back to the group after 30 minutes wandering I'd assume I still had permission to grab her without checking again. And as she came down and I kept touching her hand or back she got annoyed but didn't want to make a scene. Others probably noticed but it was all agrey-area and everyone was rolling and so on.... But that is only a guess. This is like my total weak point and it is bugging me. I feel dirty and ashamed and I just want to know if I should or shouldn't feel this way.

Anyways, by inarticulate rant is done. If anyone has any good advice let me know. I'm fresh out. What I am doing now is focusing on my job and life and what I can control adnd leaving everybody alone to chill figuring the ball is in their court. But I have a really bad feeling about all of this. Thanks for listening

Wyatt

[dreamtemple]

Well it's nice to know your name. And for the record, mine is Lou. (hello to all).

I can relate to the "what the fuck did i do last night syndrome" as i too did this one only a few months ago. Sadly it lost me a great friend for about a month. Basically i had a go at him in a club, called him a dirty brown head (he was a heroin addict for 5 years but was clean at the time i said this so it wasn't very nice) and ended the conversation by telling him his friendship was useless as he couldn't be open.

Like you I desperatly tried to find out what I had done but no one knew or could tell me and this friend would not speak to me.

Eventually I managed to sort it out simply by going all the way to his house unexpectedly (a long treck for me), sitting down and explaining it all. We faught a lot, we cried a lot, we laughed a lot. and now it is sorted. i don't know if this will work for you but this was my experiance. It's at times like these when i wonder what this generation is up to. We think the best night out is to get chemically insane, loose memories, act like a mental case, and feel terrible for the next three days after. I'm not preaching, i do it myself, just makes me think.

Anyways, don't know if this helps, hope so, and we all love you

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Top DJ line-ups, do not necessarily, a good party make.

Stay tuned,

Stay shiny,

Stay twisted

(C.o.t.U.C.)

[mrdick]

Thanks Lou,

Its just nice to know that I am not the only stupid one sometimes. I think that at this stage I just have wait this out and if I have to scratch these people from my lives then I do and I will be sad but wiser.

At the end of the day the real lesson here isn't so much about what happened at the club asit is about not being so self-absorbed that you fail to hear all the hints friends are giving you. I should have been a better friend to T. from the beginning by listening to her and talking about her issues and lightening things up and basically not getting so enamoured by the fact that I had met someone who understood me that I basically sucked them dry - just using them for support. It only occured to me now but I wish it had before, if T. had so much to offer me because it was nice to have someone who understood me then the flip side was that I understood her and had a lot to offer her. And sometimes, being less self-absorbed and helping others helps yourself too A virtuous circle. As for the club, I'm making a bit too much of a big deal. I should have apologized immediately upon any suspicion and then just let it lay. In the future don't get frisky and fucked up around new acquaintances that are friends of friends. It all sounds trite but these are the lessons that i am taking from it.

Thanks Lou

Luv ya